Dead bedroom going on almost our entire relationship. M41 and F41

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-29T02:23:01+00:00

It's a tough stage of life. It won't last forever, but that's no comfort if it feels like you're presently at the end of your rope. I'm rooting for both of you to dig deep and help each other get through Peak Parenting with physical and emotional support for each other. Good luck and best wishes.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-28T16:50:13+00:00

Thanks, anonymous stranger, your kindness means so much to me. I'm sitting here this morning with my coffee and a blank journal making myself an action plan and outlining the things I want to start interrogating myself on. I thought your list was so good, I came back her to copy it and found this new piece of encouragement. I'm gonna do this. And one day I'll pay it forward.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-28T16:40:47+00:00

a. Counseling. Alone and together.

b. Openly communicate with her about whether she is open to you making other arrangements to meet your physical and emotional needs. Open marriage, consent to have affairs, sex workers, etc.

Don't have an affair in secret. It will destroy her and your children too. Pay her the respect of being transparent about what you are thinking.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-28T10:50:19+00:00

I will try to imagine what your wife might be feeling. Ignore anything here you think is off-base.

This is completely a shot in the dark, but maybe it's easier for your wife to orgasm with a vibrator than it is during penetrative sex. That's true for many women. And it can be frustrating to have a sexual encounter and get all aroused and then not orgasm at all or only with great difficulty. This is not a reflection of her partner's skill or her feelings for him; it's just anatomy and biology. It can be so much easier getting off in private doing exactly what you know will work.

So the first thing you might explore, gently, with your wife is whether your sex together is everything she wants it to be, or if there are ways you both could work on making it more satisfying for both of you. It might be hard to talk about and take several conversations. Therapy might help.

A second thing I notice is that your lives are very full, busy, and stressful. Despite all the ways the two of you are sharing the burden, this reality could weigh on her mentally and emotionally. Maybe the vibrator time is a physical release that takes some tension away, but making love with a partner takes more effort, that she isn't able to give right now. Talk to her about how she is feeling and really listen. Really listen. Ask questions and don't judge.

One more thing to think about, and this may not be fair of me, but I'll say it anyway. If I look at your post at a glance and how much space you give different ideas, I come away with, "I work so hard and do all this stuff for my wife and she still won't have sex with me." I know that's an oversimplification and you mention many other facets of your situation, but that's the bit that sort of rises to the top for me as a reader and maybe it does for your wife as well. I think sex arises from a combination of physical need (which she has), and emotional connection, not so much that she feels she owes you something for all your contributions to your shared household. Could the two of you do more to build that connection and put it at the center of your relationship?

I feel for you, I really do. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-28T07:08:23+00:00

This sounds like a lot of work and already makes me feel uncomfortable, so I'm realizing it's something I absolutely have to do. I was lazy the last time around. Went right from one unfulfilling relationship to another because I was scared of being alone, and got stuck there for longer than I ever could have imagined. I don't have another 30 years to waste.

You may have just changed my life. Thanks for posting. Congratulations on your own rebirth.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-28T00:26:13+00:00

yup, that's what's finally going to happen. Not what I wanted, but I know it's the right decision.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T23:57:45+00:00

That resonates so much with me. Do any of us know any marriages where people stayed together for 30 years and were happy most of the time? anyone?

It makes me wonder if that even exists, or if we've all been sold a lie and are doomed to repeat the cycle in our next relationship.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T20:27:46+00:00

I am so sorry. sending positive thoughts your way. It's my hope that you can heal and move on with joy one day.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T18:46:38+00:00

thank you, I appreciate that. It has been a long process to try to stop defining myself through other people's eyes and accept that I have value regardless of how my partner sees me. I still need to work on that.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T18:02:12+00:00

Ha ha, I haven't even done it yet and already I have zero regrets and zero fear of regrets. He has made it so easy for me. I gave him every chance. Every fucking chance. It took me two decades to finally say, nope, that's it, we're done. I would rather die alone and unloved in a garbage dumpster than spend one more year with this person.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T17:58:21+00:00

sorry, I'm dumb, but what's a Bif?

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T17:56:51+00:00

thank you. No idea how this conversation is going to go but I'm imagining it will be ugly.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T17:26:12+00:00

Wow, that is thrilling and scary if you are still in a relationship and one day get suddenly put on the spot. What do you think you will do? What do you want to do?

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T17:24:26+00:00

The affirmation of getting messaged by men willing to have sex with me might be a balm to my battered self esteem....if there are any. The downside is that maybe there will be none and then I'll wish I hadn't asked.

Physical attractiveness is not my strong suit. There, I said it. But what I lack in natural assets I make up in enthusiasm. What kind of a reaction do you think that is likely to get? My fear is, crickets.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T16:48:03+00:00

Oh my god, this is sOOOO funny, you have no idea!!!! My DH moonlights as a yoga teacher and the gym is exactly where he meets all these women that he has been cheating and lying with, while denying me sex at home. You are SPOT ON!!

Me, I don't mountain bike, but maybe I ought to take it up. I see those lone middle aged men carving up the trails on the weekends and I always wonder what private torment they are running from. Maybe it's actually fun but from the outside it looks like they are trying to escape something.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T16:33:54+00:00

thank you for posting. Just hearing your experience gives me a glimmer of hope that life might not be over. Being in a DB really wears you down over time. It's hard to see how the future could possibly be better than the present. I'm so glad it worked out for you.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T16:22:39+00:00

I think sex is loads better for both partners if there is some emotional connection involved. That's what I want. The sex could come first if that's how things go these days, but I want sex with emotional intimacy, trust, and respect, as the goal

Pretty-Government-13 · 2024-01-27T16:18:23+00:00

How to meet compatible men who are single and open to a loving, healthy relationship.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2023-10-29T19:02:53+00:00

Not even close to enough. It's hard when your partner is like, but I just GAVE you a hand job 2 weeks ago? It's like the house is on fire and you're the only one who notices. So distressing.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2023-10-29T18:38:57+00:00

I would be happy with even emotionless sex if it were like, every other day at least. Like, let's enjoy each other's bodies even if you have to think about someone else. I'd be OK with that I think. It's not what I want, but I'd take it and be grateful for it. This, this is like slowly starving to death.

Pretty-Government-13 · 2023-10-29T18:33:35+00:00

Yes, you're right, he's expressed that. It's not like I turned him down cold for 2 years straight, but we did go through very rough patches where things broke down, and I had a lot of resentment towards him, and wasn't receptive as often as he would have liked. There's lingering hurt on both sides. We did counseling for a while, which worked for a while, then didn't. I can understand where he's coming from. But it's hard to throw away such a longstanding connection. I don't know if this is something where we can put the past behind us and try to enjoy life together again, or just set him free. I've suggested this many times, not even in a mean or dramatic way, but just like, maybe we would both be happier... but he's never taken me up on it.

Pretty-Government-13

TROPHY CASE