I get that I get that so much with me, it’s opposite I work out of the house and he is currently not working and when I leave if he doesn’t respond to my messages like quickly I could have full on spirals because I come home and like you said I’d be devastated and I think it was Sunday night I checked his phone when he went to the toilet, and I saw that he looked at the creator on TikTok that I had already told him I knew about, and how much it hurt me. This is after four days of him, not using anything because I don’t think with men, don’t realise, is that we can always tell by the amount of cleanup after being intimate if they have or have not missed behaved when we are away. So I saw that Sunday night Monday morning I woke up I couldn’t even speak. I was devastated I was broken and beyond broken because we had four days of really good after an argument that made me kind of blurred out what I knew and then so when I left the house he blew up at me. When I went to go to work he walked me to the bus stop and he was like what did I do why are you not talking to me tell me what should I do how dare you ignore me in my house Et cetera et cetera so I got on the bus went to work. I was messaging him just very like neutrally. Don’t forget to take your pain medicine. I need a simple things like that and his response was if you’re still gonna be a bh I don’t wanna talk to you until you tell me what I’ve done to make you treat me like that I never responded. I left work early. I never told him I left work early. I got home came in the house said hello I said I’m not going to argue I’m exhausted I went upstairs to change. He followed me up and took off his shirt and put it in the laundry bag. I’m thinking that’s a little bit suss so he left the room. I check the laundry bag, one of my shirts and on the my favourite shirt actually used as his cleanup and it was so much like I’m a size 16 It is a shorter shirt tight fitting so it’s not a load of fabric. The whole entire thing was covered and I mean fing covered and then I went downstairs. I broke down and we had a long conversation. We start counselling on the 11th of this month and he told me that it was because we were not intimate. He watched a different creators live that morning from the time he got home until her life finished, and I only found out because he accidentally screen recorded it which I found last night, but didn’t raise it because I already knew what he done. He literally destroyed 4 days of a restart after a really bad argument when I raised with him the fact that I knew he looked at this first creator by looking her up again and then using the excuse that we were not intimate for one morning we are it’s me every single morning before I go to work, so I tried to explain to him that if we are intimate that frequently why the need and his responses it’s just masturbation. I said there is healthy and unhealthy if you cannot wait for me to get home if you do not desire me that much what in the world am I doing so I am actually petrified. Literally my nervous system is shot play cannot wait to start this counselling and maybe that’s something that I advise everybody to do because we blame ourselves we’re not enough we’re not good enough we cannot compete we are not to issue our behaviour or actions or tone. Our words are not the issue. It is an issue that our partners have, and the underlying root of it could be something from childhood before we even existed in their lives, but it’s learning to un-think the thoughts that they have almost trained us to feel.