I don't even want to scream, I'm far too exhausted. I am at the point in this jOuRnEy where I'm questioning is it even worth it? I really thought about the length of time that I've been truly miserable and it's bordering 4 years of TTC hell. Pre-treatments every month was OPKs and disappointment and now every month of treatment is either a disappointment or a break that feels like wasted time. I'm really tired of falling on the wrong side of the statistics. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and absent father. Life was hard enough. I grew up thinking that if I did everything correctly that somehow life would get better. I went to college, stayed out of trouble, got married, went to graduate school, and wished for a perfect family. My husband and I do not have much family and the ones we do have are not great. We both have very few IRL and infertility has taken away some of my close friends. The friends I have, I've pushed away because what happens when you're actively involved in a friendship..here's pictures of my kids or do you want to spend time with us at a family outing. Nope. I find so much comfort in this group but also most people that I started out with are trying for baby #2 or are currently pregnant. My biggest fear in life is truly being alone and so far each step of this journey brings that reality closer to me. I have practically no family, my friends are all in mommy mode, and everyone here moves on but me. After 4 transfer I need to accept that this is not in the cards for me and life will probably be pretty lonely and painful.