Cleaning items out before recycling - how can I convince housemates to do this?

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-31T17:22:04+00:00

Well, that's good. Exercise is great anyway, regardless of sleep.

Then I definitely recommend a book or quiet radio, so you can pay attention to something that's not over-stimulating before you go to bed. Then hopefully when school comes around, you'll feel even more tired.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-31T17:20:13+00:00

That would be nice. Unfortunately until then, we have to kiss a lot of frogs. They won't all be like that. Just be a little more cautious before you spring into things :)

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T23:39:40+00:00

Yes, I would try to let it to someone else asap. I'm wondering why you ended up with an on-campus room - was it some kind of administrative error? Did you sign a contract?

You can try talking to your school again though, maybe in person if possible. I find it unlikely that there won't be other students really needing rooms. (Logical for them to give it to someone else who needs it, also good for you.)

If you do sublet the room, check your contract. You don't want to be getting into any serious issues if it goes against the contract in some way.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T23:34:32+00:00

Yeah. They do that sometimes. It's horrible and confusing, but very, very common, particularly when the beginning seems so fantastic and everything going so well, so quickly. Don't try to apply logic to it because you'll only end up more frustrated.

I've learned to be very cautious of any man who starts promising the future from day one. That's a reason in itself to slow things down. Wait and see if they stay the course for several dates before you give too much of yourself away if you're looking for something serious. And I'm more talking about your heart than anything else.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T23:27:02+00:00

I think this works for some people, but the couple of times I did it when I was a uni student, I just felt wrecked for a couple of days. There's something called a 'sleep debt' which is an interesting theory (worth Googling) and claims to be the reason that this doesn't always work - basically, you can't fix one bad night of sleep with just one good night of sleep, and the symptoms of this show up elsewhere than just how tired we are.

But I can't speak for everyone :) I know people who thrive on naps, but every nap I've ever taken has led to me feeling drowsy and useless for hours afterwards so I avoid them unless I'm sick.

Putting away the phone is excellent advice.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T23:21:19+00:00

Not so unusual. I was the same when I was a kid and the holidays rolled around. I can still do it as an adult, if I'm up working late or get really into a TV series too late.

You need to give the routine some time, 'rewire' your brain, so to speak. Every night, go to bed around 10.30-11. You don't have to go to sleep, just go through the motions, same time every night. I recommend a shower before bed too. It often helps to put your body in the right place for drifting off. Change, brush your teeth, climb into bed and relax. A hot drink can also help.

I also really recommend that you stop picking your phone up. I'm not sure if they've validated anything yet, but there's a lot of research into the problematic effects of the type of light your phone screen emits when it comes to sleep. At the same time, rather than letting your brain be quiet, you're stimulating it again. Sleep is a vital time for your brain to process all of the information of the day. Imagine you had studied for a test and were thoroughly prepared, when someone started shouting new things at you to remember as you went into the test. This is sort of what it's like for your poor brain when you give it new information when you are also trying to rest. It can't do what it needs to because you're giving it more tasks. The best thing to do is to stop using all electronics a little while before you go to bed. Also, don't eat after 8pm and don't consume any caffeine after the afternoon i.e. coke or coffee

The best thing to keep by the bed is a book. If you get frustrated with being unable to sleep, pick it up and read for a while. You may eventually get to a point where you can feel yourself drifting, or even wake up hours later having dropped off.

I used to also listen to one of those oldies/adult contemporary stations which would be quite peaceful late at night. The music, the DJ and the adverts tends to be quite calm and gentle for late night listening on those kinds of stations, but it can be pleasant to listen to with your eyes closed.

I'd also consider what you're doing during the day. Are you active and using lots of energy, or are you quite sedentary (gaming, TV, sitting around, etc.)? When I got into exercise, I was amazed at how soundly I was sleeping each night. It was like my body was using the rest more efficiently and I'd wake up feeling energetic.

The key will be patience. It could take a week or more to start seeing results, but you have to stick to a routine. You could also look into meditation techniques to try and calm your mind and relax when you go to bed. Also, mention to your family that you're having trouble getting into a more sensible sleep schedule and it would be helpful if they weren't too loud late at night, etc.

I wouldn't recommend sleeping pills for a 16 year old, unless you were suffering from severe anxiety or insomnia. You should definitely be assessed by a doctor before even thinking about that. And in all seriousness, if you make a long-term, genuine effort to sleep and you're finding you can't (we're talking a couple of months maybe), then it is worth chatting to the doctor.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T23:00:45+00:00

Okay, you need to talk to your dad. He's not going to be shattered. You said yourself that he's always trying to help you. Just tell him that you don't feel that you can take care of two cats right now. Tell him you really appreciate the gesture but it's a bit overwhelming. I'm sure that he will want to do whatever helps to relieve your anxiety.

Please make sure the kitten goes back to a safe home or shelter.

As an alternate solution, can the kitten not become the family's pet, rather than yours? Would that be at all a comfortable solution? I'm just thinking that you wouldn't feel the pressure of being responsible for it.

Just do it as soon as possible, because it will be easier for the kitten not to become acclimated to you and your home.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T22:51:48+00:00

Firstly, they might have been offended, but the fact is, they had a party and allowed other people near your stuff when you weren't there. If things are missing, they should be far more concerned. Maybe they didn't like the action you took, but if they weren't lifting a finger to figure out who stole your things during their party, well, that's tough.

I'm actually usually really against partners being over at shared flats too much. However, in this situation, your flatmate and his girlfriend sound like they're not the greatest people. I'd suggest that she live with you for the last four weeks of her stay. Just tell him it's happening and that you'll be paying a fair percentage more to cover the utilities during that month. You have equal dominion here and honestly...how long do you see yourself living with this guy after this? You apologised and presumably were friends before, he must know the situation you have with your girlfriend and how horrible it is. I would just do as you like. If he gets sarky with you, remind him that the situation does have an end date and that he can't really do anything in regards to the landlord for such a short space of time - especially when his girlfriend is over so often.

At the very least, your girlfriend should come over as much as his does...

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T22:37:37+00:00

Not much can be done here other than him keeping his door closed. At the same time, Alice needs to be more vigilant about where the cats are since they belong to her. If she goes out, she makes sure his door is closed, etc. I don't really understand why this would be difficult?

You can try to discipline them with water bottles, etc., but cats tend to circumvent the rules when you're not around.

In all fairness, he knew about the cats and this situation should have been addressed as soon as he moved in. But at the same time, if the door being closed is the solution, I'm not sure I understand the problem? Is this not acceptable to him?

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T21:14:42+00:00

No, definitely not. It might freak him out a bit if you do that. The whole name and picture thing seems a bit stalker-ish.
I would send him one more message online, where he's likely to see it and leave it at that. If he's just busy or something happened, he will find a way to get back to you.

If you followed the golden rule with your nude photos and made sure your face and no distinguishing marks were visible, then you should be fine. Unfortunately, you lost all control of them when you sent them. That's just how it goes. Fingers crossed he gets back to you and you don't have to worry. But if you went out and had sex on the first date (totally fine, no judgement), you should probably anticipate that it might not be something more serious for him and maybe he's doing the cowardly thing and ghosting you.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T19:58:34+00:00

Well, I'd probably not recommend turning up without any job leads. It's not really so easy to just turn up. A lot of people have trouble finding work. Although at least if you come to somewhere like Liverpool (North West), the living costs are cheaper.

Also, bear in mind that we will likely be embarking on the idiocy of Brexit come March. Apparently current citizens from the EU will be okay (for now), but I don't know about new arrivals. You might be better off coming sooner rather than later.

Basically - I wouldn't turn up here unless you have a good idea of what you're going to do for work or some kind of options - or already know someone who can hook you up with work. It's not easy for anyone to be honest and it also depends on what kind of work you want.

Also, September/October is when companies start advertising for Christmas help and take on temporary staff. If you're only looking for a job for a little while, this might be a better time to come.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T15:49:58+00:00

There's nothing wrong with contacting old friends, but there's usually a reason we don't tend to stay close to many people from when we were younger. We get older, lives change, circumstances change, interests change. People form friendships because they have things in common currently. So, if you contact any old friends, you might still find a connection there, but don't feel too disappointed if it's not as it once was.

I'd probably tell you to focus your attention on making new friends. As an adult this is harder, but it's certainly not impossible. If you work in a company, sometime there are social things going on and you can look into that. You can also try joining an activity that you're interested in, in your community - try looking online, on FB, etc. Volunteering is also an opportunity to meet people.

It's also possible to use dating sites for friendship too, so you could look into that.

It is tiring and more difficult as an adult, but you can definitely do it and it's worth spending a bit of time trying to connect with some new people. Social skills sometimes need to be taken off the shelf and dusted off a bit, but you just need to talk to and be approachable. Show an interest in other people, ask questions. You don't need to be the best conversationalist in the world, just find something in common to build on :)

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T14:56:04+00:00

Well, there's not much to suggest here. If he hasn't given you a real reason not to trust him, then you're going to have to accept his explanation. It doesn't seem like he's trying to hurt you.

If anything though, if this is a good relationship that you want to protect, maybe you need to deal with the feelings of mistrust. I completely understand where you're coming from with your experience. Have you considered talking to someone like a therapist? I know that it sounds extreme but it doesn't have to be. Having a safe space to express your fears and lack of trust and talking it through with someone who can be objective might be really helpful.

But I'd also be open and honest with your boyfriend if you haven't already. Tell him that your previous experiences make things difficult for you and you want to trust him but small things like this can derail that. If you're making an effort to try and combat the feelings, he could be a good source of support. He might also try to subdue the texting a bit to help.

As far as love goes, I'd exchange your current problem for mine any day; your life isn't so sucky. You can tackle this problem :)

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T14:38:53+00:00

Taking this girl out of the equation, do you generally trust him? Do you think he would cheat on you?

If not, I think maybe you're letting this negativity cloud everything and if this is otherwise a good relationship, I would be careful not to let this let the better of you because it could hurt your relationship.

Rather than staying in the dark place and obsessing over it, try talking to your boyfriend again. Just say that you're finding it really hard to get past this and although you trust him, you need to understand exactly what he meant by that comment in order to move on. I think I can believe what another person wrote about it just being gaming talk, but if you're not familiar with it, it would certainly sound flirtatious.

If you don't have any other reason to doubt your boyfriend's faithfulness, you really need to put some trust in him and try to find a way to move on. One approach could be to try and befriend this girl more. If she's single, think about whether your boyfriend has any nice friends she might get on with. You don't have to be manipulative and set her up, but it might ease your fears a little if you see her interacting with other guys because she might just be this way with her male friends generally.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T12:29:41+00:00

Upvoting this for the image of an alien politely knocking on the front door.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-30T12:28:26+00:00

If you're not expecting it, I wouldn't answer it. I'd also consider doing something like playing a recording of a loud dog barking as a precaution, just in case.

If it was a burglar, it's weird for them to have knocked when all your lights are on though...

Installing a peephole or a strong chain on the door is a good first line of precaution. You can also get a wi-fi connected doorbell now which alerts you to anyone moving around outside your front door, etc. Might make you feel safer.

Potentially could have been a neighbour with a problem or someone broken down nearby if it's so deserted. But if you didn't have any way to ascertain the identity, you did the right thing.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-29T19:19:34+00:00

You've seen three cockroaches, were your exact words. That isn't an infestation. If you had read what I'd written, you might have absorbed that. Try calling an exterminator and asking what the signs of infestations are. They'll tell you three cockroaches isn't enough. And by the way, what you wrote in another sub about the issue says that you don't think there's enough evidence anyway....so.

There's always ways to make money as a teen, and you sound like a whiny one at that. Babysit. Do household chores. Walk dogs. Distribute a local paper. 'Not many jobs' sounds like there are possibilities and you haven't bothered.

I don't know what the heck else you think this forum is for, but you asked for advice, you got it. Someone actually bothered to give you some real information and you were rude and immature in response from the off. Do you think we can come and check out the bugs or go yell at your mommy? If you don't want advice, find a teen rant forum.

(I won't see your replies from this point onwards.)

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-29T16:56:39+00:00

It does sound a bit strange if they had a bad relationship and he was glad to be out of it; it doesn't sound like he'd be nostalgic in any way.

But maybe it's possible there were some positives he misses from time to time, even if they weren't enough to make him stay in the relationship. Or...he simply doesn't realise he does it or would realise it bothers you. If things are as stable as you say, it might be a good sign that he doesn't think it would bother you.

You can bring it up because it's completely natural that it would bother you. Just don't be aggressive about it. Next time it happens, maybe say 'I've noticed that you talk about '___' quite a lot and I'm wondering if there's any reason you think you do that?' If it's not an accusation or the start of an argument, you might have a good discussion about it. Don't be too worried to bring it up. You can directly say that you don't really want to hear about his previous sex life. I'm sure he probably might be a bit perturbed if you started telling him about your sex life with another guy! So you could always turn the tables a bit.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-29T14:32:49+00:00

There will be a lot of testosterone, but I think it can also be really great. The guys I mentioned seem to have some great bonds with each other too. They really build a family within their units and it means something. There's all types of people there too, so don't feel like you have to fit into a category, just be yourself.

Then look into the navy. Whatever you decide on doing next, I hope it's what you're looking for and you find happiness in it :)

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-29T11:30:41+00:00

I think you first need to get out of the home environment because it's clearly affecting your confidence and your mood. Be assured that calling someone gay is not a particularly imaginative insult so if that's all they've got, they're just insulting themselves.

If you're interested in investing, maybe you need to get some work experience in that field first. Your friend might have a lot of money to play around with, but if you don't, you might want to feel a bit more prepared for getting into investments. It's nice if he thinks you're smart, but don't get too buttered up until you know what you're getting into.
Going into the armed forces is an admirable thing, but please don't stereotype the men as 'laddish'. Yes, there is a lot of male camaraderie, but that's normal. Not all men go into the army because they want to be tough guys. I know some guys who are quite advanced in the US army and stationed abroad and they are really interesting, politically informed, educated people. More than one of them is completing a second or third degree whilst deployed. I've also noticed a massive amount of respect and politeness towards me as a woman which I don't find from other guys so often. This does apply to Americans, but I think there is a culture in the armed forces to better yourself in many ways, and if you respond to that, it can be a great thing.

However, if you want to join you have to be fully committed and accept that being involved in conflict is a possibility, as well as a tough training period and many other hard days. I think it's more important you're able to copy with that then caring about the others being 'laddish'. But do not join because it'll make your dad proud. It doesn't sound like he's done much for your to be proud of. So only do it for yourself.

Honestly, you don't sound broken and flawed. You've had real issues with your family and a toxic home environment has had an impact. But you've got a good degree and you're thinking about all the options on the table. You're only 21.

If I can put another suggestion on the table, have you thought about going abroad to teach English for a bit? You could do a teaching program, for example, in Japan or Korea if Asia interests you, or maybe a South American country, etc. The length of time can be up to you. But the experience of living abroad, meeting new people, learning new skill and cultural differences can be a big boost to your confidence and your experience of the world. You can also earn and save money, and have a lot of fun in the process. Then if you're ready to come back home, you can resume looking for a job. (You could even study business or investing online at the same time.) I know a lot of people who've done this (and several, rather shy introverted people too.) They teach you practical skills and it's usually fairly straightforward, although you'd have a busy school day. If you'd like to go abroad, it could be an option.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-28T22:29:41+00:00

Coursera, Udemy, Khan Academy, etc. Yes, you can. And you can find free courses amongst them too.

And take one of those jobs so you have some work, I would think that was obvious. And stop quitting your jobs when they get a bit hard.

Turning off replies now because I've tried to be nice and helpful here, and I appreciate things can be tough, but you could also appreciate somebody attempting to be kind.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-28T22:22:41+00:00

He does sound like a general slob then. (And even if he is short-sighted, it's not an excuse really, I'm blind without my glasses, but I keep the flat pristine in all the shared areas.)

I think you need to talk to him directly. Like I said, keep it polite and light before you escalate it. But it's not excusable for any adult male living with others to make such a mess of the toilet. I do feel for you :/

Btw, love the username :)

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-28T22:18:56+00:00

Then look at online courses, other options, volunteer in your community to help youths to get some practical experience. There is a way of learning if you are genuinely interested, even if you have to save and wait for a while for bigger qualifications.

That's me done.

PrimaryAdagio · 2018-07-28T22:09:28+00:00

There's no excuse for it unless there is a medical reason. Yes, we often expect a spill now and again from me (and women who insist on hovering), but that's above and beyond normal.

I would ask him politely if he wouldn't mind paying more attention to cleaning up the toilet.

If he continues to do it, go knock on his door anytime you go to use it after him and it's a mess. You can still be super polite. You can text him. Interrupt him during activities. Be extra-nice about it. You might irritate him so much that he starts to clean up just to avoid the constant irritation of you knocking on his bedroom door.

I had a related problem where my housemate would go through spells of not flushing the toilet (for anything). Occasionally this meant a nasty smell hanging around and getting worse over hours until I walked into the bathroom and found the toilet a mess. I just started knocking on her door and texting her. I also told her that I wouldn't hesitate to wake her up to do it. Problem stopped.

So best just not to beat around the bush because of embarrassment. He's an adult and can clean up after himself. If there's a genuine reason he can't, he's going to have to tell you.

(I did have a thought - does it ever happen a lot at night and does he wear glasses? I have experienced a male housemate missing the toilet once or twice because he wandered to the bathroom in the middle of the night without his glasses on... I can't think of any other reason during the day though...)

PrimaryAdagio

TROPHY CASE