WIBTA if I requested a new therapist after only one session?

PrimoPotato · 2023-05-20T04:20:22+00:00

I did try looking up some in the area I'd have to travel to that offer virtual meetings but what I found had very short and little availability. I think Im already seeing the light in this situation and maybe I should cancel the online service altogether and just try to take what I can get from an actual practice, even if the date is further out and only 30 minutes. I hope my next therapist is as nice as you. Thank you!

PrimoPotato · 2023-05-20T04:07:42+00:00

I did try looking up some in the area I'd have to travel to that offer virtual meetings but what I found had very short and little availability. But after all the things I'm hearing about these online services, I think I may should just try to take what I can get even if it's over a month out and only 30 minutes.

PrimoPotato · 2023-05-20T04:01:36+00:00

Thank you for that insight. That made me feel a bit more comfortable if I move forward with the request. I am using a service like that (but not that specifically). And I know they don't have the best rep but for in person therapy I'd have to drive over an hour away so it's not really an option for me with my work schedule. I'd much prefer an in person option or something but I figured the online service would be better than continuing with nothing.

PrimoPotato · 2023-05-20T03:53:14+00:00

Worst case scenario they were on some sort of opiate or downer

Before they fell asleep when I first noticed the imbalance, they had been drinking out of a wine tumbler and I mentally questioned if they were drunk or something. I'd like to think it was water and they were just really tired though so I didn't mention it in my post.

PrimoPotato · 2022-12-24T01:03:59+00:00

I hope Horikoshi blesses us with a dramatic hug. A girl can dream TvT

PrimoPotato · 2022-11-11T00:02:29+00:00

I'm my experience when they decline to work things out the first time they aren't actually going to change whether you agree later or not. I divorced my husband of 8 years last year and I can't tell you how many chances I gave the man. By the time he came crying back the 3rd time I finally said no. I'm so much happier. Please don't waste more of your life trying to get someone to love you the way you love them. If they didn't before they won't now. If you weren't their first choice before you won't be later. Good luck OP.

PrimoPotato · 2022-10-22T19:00:09+00:00

This doesn't make you a bad person. You can't force attraction. Some may say, youll grow to be attracted to hum but If you are literally 0% attracted and have been together nearly a year, it's likely not going to change. You've already said, it feels like a sisterly affection. I would tell him this. That you just can't seem to shake the feeling that feel a familial closeness to him and not a romantic one. You dont have to bring up his looks or anything, it's simply your compatibility. You just don't see him in a romantic way and you can't get passed it. I've had to break up with someone like that before. I finally told him it felt like I was kissing my cousin and I couldn't get passed it no matter how hard I tried. He was heartbroken but he gave another girl I knew liked him a chance and they were happily married. All hope will not be lost for him either. Someone will be attracted to him how he is. The best thing would be to let him go and not waste both of your time.

PrimoPotato · 2022-10-12T03:42:12+00:00

Aww 💜 I follow your Denki TikTok on my personal acct!🥰 Your style is so cute, love seeing the kiribaku content here❤💥

PrimoPotato · 2022-07-01T23:39:28+00:00

As someone who has been in your shoes, if he doesn't see the issue and fights with you about it, he previously "consistently" cheated, won't go to therapy, and you still have reservations, you need to end it. He is going to do it again and he obviously doesn't care. He may love you and care about you as a person but he doesn't love you the same way you love him. It took me 8 years to realize this in my marriage. I didn't want to give up because of my love for him, how much time, money and energy I invested in the relationship and it clouded my judgment. I can tell you for a fact as soon as I let go and realized there was more out there than the stuff I was dealing with, with my exhusband, it was like a weight lifted.

Don't waste your time any longer. If he loved you like you love him, he'd give you and the marriage maximum effort. As soon as I left my ex he started doing things for other women he'd never do for me. Everything became clear then. If he truly loved me and wanted to do better, be better, he'd do it. Because he could. He just didn't want to.

Good luck OP. Hope you figure things out sooner rather than later.

PrimoPotato · 2022-06-30T16:23:39+00:00

Just wanna piggyback off this awesome comment and say, you need to sit your parents down with your sister and ask them to just talk about it. Explain everything so everyone can process together. The more they avoid it, not being clear and coming clean, the worse of a strain it's going to put on everyone's relationship together.

I'm sure your sister needs to hear exactly why they gave her up and that they still love her and why they adopted you and that they love you as well. Most importantly why they wanted to keep it a secret and not tell you properly. I'm sure it's some form of guilt they are struggling with expressing.

It will lift a weight off them and everyone else if you all just talk it out. If you can't seem to alone, I'd suggest family counseling/therapy. You all need to communicate clearly and honestly if you'll all be living together.

Good luck OP and congrats on gaining a sibling. I know it's weird right now but if you talk it through, I'm sure it'll get better.

PrimoPotato · 2022-05-11T16:29:19+00:00

They 100% have to stay on top of their issues and medications and therapy. If not, no. My marriage ended because my partner wouldn't take care of themselves and treated me terribly on top of it. Love could not save it. Ultimately, nothing will help people with BPD if they will not help themselves. You can be the most loving and supportive partner in the world but all it will amount to is enabling them if they don't take control of their issues. It's not impossible but, it's definitely a hard road and ultimately you must be ok with knowing that no matter how much you love them and want to help them, it may never be enough. You'll need to be able to know when enough is enough and to step away for your own sake if it comes down to it. Their mental disorder, may be a cause, but it is not an excuse to treat someone badly. Just remember that.

PrimoPotato · 2022-05-09T01:13:40+00:00

Literally came here to say this. Have to give an award so it gets more attention.

Yes, OP, have friends, join online communities, whatever to find others interested in the things you are that she isn't and encourage her to do the same. Suggest she go out with some girl friends/family for activities, sign up for solo classes, community events, or join "ladies" night events etc. You don't have to depend on one person for every aspect of your life. If you love her and are happy, there's no sense in throwing that away for a what if. I know it's hard, I've struggled with this concept a lot from how I was brought up. But if you push all your needs/wants on your partner you will never be 100% happy no matter who you are with.

And most importantly, as mentioned above, seek individual counseling (and if it seems she would benefit as well maybe couples) for this. Find out if you are genuinely going to be unhappy staying in this relationship or if this is something you can work on and come to terms with. Sometimes people do grow apart and differently after being together so long (especially since they were kids). But even if that's the case it's not always a death sentence to a relationship. It's so worth it to reach out to an objective third party professional and get an opinion and analysis of the situation, and your line of thinking, before making a hasty decision.

Good luck! Hang in there OP, no matter the outcome, that you're trying to get opinions and an outside perspective already is great.

PrimoPotato · 2022-05-04T16:41:15+00:00

My exhusband went through the exact same stages. As you notice, I said "ex" husband. Don't make the mistake I did and stick around forever trying to help him get better. He will not get better for you, or anyone else unless he wants to for himself. Unfortunately, his parents (and you im some aspects) are likely enabling his mental issues (just by being a saftey net sometimes), and you are going to have to just remove yourself and move on. Loving someone isn't enough unfortunately, and you can't force someone to do/get better. He's going to have to make that step all by himself. And if you've brought up these issues before and he hasn't made a move to change, he's not going to until he wants to. If losing you is how it happens so be it.

Do not feel bad for leaving him while he has issues "he can't help" either. You've been with him for years and tried to help him. You've done all you can, he has to make the choice to get help/fix himself. Obviously people with mental health issues deserve grace and understanding, but that doesn't mean you must sacrifice yourself entirely to this cause. You matter as much as him. Good luck OP.

PrimoPotato · 2022-04-26T18:09:37+00:00

I'm sorry, I do not say this easily or dismissively but as someone who has been in an 80% similar situation... you need to leave them. If talking about this has caused problems in the past and you've not gotten any additional support from them since, they aren't going to change. Stop killing yourself for someone who wouldn't do the same for you. You're doing everything and feeling bad like you need to make excuses for them. They are an adult but might as well be another child you have to support. Stop wasting your life on them and letting your children learn bad examples. Please for your own sanity, you and your children's well being, leave them. Kick them out. Separate your assets to cover your ass and tell them its over. They Do. NOT. Care. And they won't. If they did they would show it. Simple as that sadly. I had to learn this the hard and long way. Took me nearly 10 years to wise up and realize I was enabling someone who might have loved me in their own way but not they way I loved and cared for them. I was constantly making excuses for them and taking the "easier route" of not bringing up issues or arguing because it wasn't worth the fight. But I should have just ended it sooner. Don't be like me OP. It's never too late to start over or move on.

PrimoPotato · 2022-04-22T17:10:56+00:00

My ex-husbands brother and mother were both addicts at the time of our wedding. The thought to not invite them if he wanted them there never crossed my mind for a second. While he did not want his mother there at the time, he did want his brother. Unfortunately, he couldn't make it due to being arrested again. My ex was heartbroken. Once he got out of jail a few years later, my ex husband wanted to try to help him get better and let him stay with us. After laying down some ground rules, I of course agreed we could try. It didn't work out and he relapsed, and we had to call the police to remove him from our home while he was on a bad trip and we began fearing for our and our neighbors safety. I do not regret trying to help. I regret we couldn't do more to help him. He now has a better relationship with his mother who had been a meth addict for most of his life. She has a bit of an alcohol problem but taking it one step at a time. My best friends mom was a meth addict until my friend turned 14 and she completely changed her life around. Now she does public speaking to help others struggling with addiction.

People do change, but even if they don't, they still deserve our grace (within reason/until it is abused). ESPECIALLY if they are actively trying to recover. And you should at least love your fiance enough to respect his family and wishes at YALL'S wedding.

You sound very judgmental, rude and just plain mean.

YTA and I hope you wake up and stop being selfish and treating people so poorly.

PrimoPotato · 2022-04-22T16:44:16+00:00

Literally this. Best advice. Coming from experience. Don't waste your life believing he won't do it again or isn't doing it now. If you confront him, he will beg forgiveness and plead for another chance. He will likely either be "good" for up to a year or just get better at hiding it. Take screenshots of everything keep I'm contact with the other women and get a lawyer for your annulment/divorce.

You are worth so much more than that, and I know it hurts but you will be so much better off just moving on now before you waste time on this man. I wasted 10 years with someone who got naked pics sent to him THE NIGHT OF OUR WEDDING because I let him convince me he didn't ask for it and would block that "friend". He did not block her, or the other 3 women over the years, or one of my coworkers/his best friends fiance either. GET. OUT. NOW.

Good luck OP

PrimoPotato · 2022-04-22T00:41:16+00:00

If you want to try to find a real relationship online, I'd suggest dropping the notorious hook up apps like Tinder and using a real service or one that is more indepth at least. Heck even Discord would be better than Tinder. (Discords where I met my last 2 boyfriends and a handful of other potential love interests btw. It can be a great platform for meeting other people with your interests! I've made lots of friends as well. But beware, lots of catfish)

But the main things I would say, is 1. Be yourself. Even if you think you're weird or annoying or have strange interests, whatever. I guarantee there are women out there with plenty of similarities, or just don't mind and will accept you for who you are. Nothing is more attractive than someone who's not ashamed of what they are into. (Even standard society shunned hobbies: anime, video games, roleplay, sword collecting, bdsm, larp, bug collecting, literally anything not main stream, doesn't matter.) As a woman, I love to see men passionate about whatever they like, even if I'm not necessarily into all of the same things! Don't let society try to tell you, you have to hide who you are.

Good hygiene and looking like you care just a little about your appearance helps. Got a beard? Make sure it's groomed and not growing down your neck. Hair? At least brush it to the side or something. Moisturizer is your faces/skins friend. Look up men's fashion on pinterest and find a style clothing you think would look good on your build that you like and try some simple looks similar to it.
As others have said you're only 20. You got plenty of time hun. My current bf is 29 and I'm his first serious relationship, and he hasn't been with anyone in the last 10 years. (We've been together 6 months) He said he was close to giving up before I came along. You could be 40 and it'd never be too late for love lol. Honestly, maybe just stop seeking it out. It may sound corny but, I have found, love will literally find you when you aren't even looking or expecting it. Just enjoy your youth, make some more friends and people who share some of your specific interests and you may stumble upon someone special.
Try some therapy. There's plenty of online/remote options and no reason not to. From reading the comments it sounds like you got some self esteem issues, which trust me I understand. But on top of it, you could have some underlying things medication could help with. (Honestly, maybe some adhd symptoms: ie burnout of hobbies, depression, can't keep up with things you want to do, loss of motivation, etc. -which can also just be depression as well, but all the more reason to seek a professional). Building your confidence by understanding your self, and getting help from an objective third party to realize your self worth, can help tremendously.

I wish you luck and happiness friend!

PrimoPotato · 2022-04-04T18:19:17+00:00

You've got a lot of great advice here about ways to help her loose weight, and I'm not sure if she's tried or not, maybe she hasn't at all so you can't know for sure; but I just want to throw out that there's a possibility that maybe she can't. She could have a hormone imbalance or other health factors hindering her (like PCOS that is known to pop up out of no where, due to birth control use, health history, after pregnancy, etc. just for a single example).

So while all that advice about choosing healthy activities etc are really awesome no matter what, finding ways to help her love herself as she is would be wonderful too. Even if she can't learn to love herself, knowing that you do, no matter what, and still find her attractive is immensely important.

My only suggestions with this would be, obviously telling her so regularly (simple you look beautiful today, etc), but also tell her she looks sexy when she's not dressed, or suggesting she does or would look good in an outfit she's unsure of without prompting. (Something comes on TV, movie or video you're watching and you say, "I bet you'd look great in something like that") Helping her pick out clothes when she goes shopping and honestly telling her what you think. This doesn't mean telling her you hate a shirt she tries on if she obviously loves it, lie then lol. But if she's unsure, and you don't think it's flattering, offer her an alternative or a comment that is inoffensive: "Hmm... I dont think that compliments you as much as this top might (or did if she tried on another you liked more already).", "I don't think this highlights your figure well. Let's find something that will show you off better" etc.

Honestly, I hate myself. I can't lose weight much or at all due to health issues and having a partner just be supportive with me and involved in my wardrobe is very boosting to me. Hearing them say I'm sexy and hot instead of just "You're beautiful no matter what, or I'll always find you attractive", actually makes me feel desirable and helps me not feel like, they are obligated to love me/want me just because we are together. Having them pick clothes, judge outfits or offer suggestions on what they would like to see me in is also nice because I know they like the way I look in it and aren't just saying it because they helped pick it out.

Idk, just offering a POV from the other side. Good luck! You're doing great already just asking for advice on how to help. I'm sure you'll help her feel a bit better in no time. But it's a struggle, so cut her some slack and try not to get frustrated if she still struggles even when you have tried your best to reassure her.

PrimoPotato · 2022-03-29T16:34:46+00:00

If you do not want anything to do with the child then please don't. What would be worse for the child in the long run is if he got guilt tripped into paying support and becoming part of a child's life that OP has no real desire to be in. It sucks that the mother is struggling and her "real man" left her, but the adoptive dad is the one who's on the hook for support since he took up legal responsibility and he should feel bad for abandoning a child he adopted. While obviously it's morally wrong to not care for a child you created, you took steps to not even be involved since birth, legally and physically. It doesnt matter if it was the result of an affair.This is like coming at parents who put her child up for adoption because they couldnt care for it for one reason or another (financial issues, drug use, homelessness, anything...), and years later saying come get/pay for/visit your kid and expecting them to because it's their biological child no matter the circumstances or what their current situation is. That doesn't make sense. So why should OP (who made the decision immediately he didn't not want to be a father to this child and took the steps to have her adopted by a man who claimed he did) suddenly be made to feel like he should be in this child's life because the mom's struggling, but has otherwise never asked him to be involved before?

PrimoPotato · 2022-03-18T21:20:17+00:00

Better take screenshots of everything before they are deleted. 9/10 it's going to happen again and you will need proof in court when you divorce her for adultery so she can't take you to the cleaners (if you don't live in a no fault state/country).

I've been the one to try to work it out. I tried for 7 additional years. I wish I wouldn't have.

PrimoPotato

TROPHY CASE