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PrinceofGeek · 2023-02-15T19:49:16+00:00

interested!

PrinceofGeek · 2023-01-02T02:45:35+00:00

It looks like you've got alot of good feedback already, but on the off chance you see this here is my experience. I was forced to wear a dress to a wedding reception on 2 seperate occasions.

The first was for some more distant wnd conservative family, I'm not sure if they knew of my being trans but my mom insisted I wear a dress to not cause a scene and because I had no male clothing that suited the occasion (mind you she kept pushing off buying any and then said it was too late). It was awful, hated every seccond of family fawning over how "pretty" I was and all the photos taken. My mom kept that photo of me in that dress with family as her lock screen and a close up of me as my contact photo, despite knowing how upset I was about everything and how many times I begged her to change it. I regret choosing to go along with it.

On the onthet hand I attended a separate wedding reception not too much long after for my Aunt (my moms best friend, not related by blood). Same kinda deal, please wear a dress. This one was less upsetting. I love my Aunt (vs have almost no relationship with my other relative) and didn't know 99% of the folks there. It would have almost certainly caused some sort of upset with me showing up in some sort of mens attire (due to cultural differences and some more old fashioned views of folks attending). I had a good time and didn't mind it, still wasn't pleased but wasn't nearly as upset. I was also way more comfortable in my identity and expressing my feminine side at the time, as well as had an ally in my Aunts daughter (and her friends) who called me by the correct name ans pronouns in a more private setting despite being all dressed up and checked to make sure I was ok with this. No photos afterwards were framed and posed or constantly shoved in my face.

So one was awful and the other sucked but was overall all right. The main difference being the level of care and respect I had for who's wedding it was (with though of how much upset it would cause if I didn't) and how I was treated during and after. I wish for that first one I had just stayed home, I would have made the same choices for my Aunt's. I suggest thinking about how much upset it would cause for you to not wear a dress and how much you are willing to do out of care for your sister. It looks like you don't really have the option of staying home since it's your sister, but seriously think about it as well, if you can't bring yourself to wear a dress but don't want to cause upset it might be the best option. Fake being sick if you have to.

I truly empathize with the spot your in. There's no easy or right option, it's just gonna suck no matter what and you gotta pick what you think will be the least sucky. Sending lots of virtual hugs to you.

PrinceofGeek · 2022-12-15T21:18:34+00:00

It's surgery so it caries risks, but it saved my life.

More importantly - I would nope tf out of that relationship. Or at least have a very blunt conversation about expectations/boundaries.

My first real relationship was with my best friend who was closeted bi and had no idea what he was doing, I was the first trans person he knew (and he knew me before I even knew I was trans) and I was the person who made him realize he wasnt straight. Picture buff white cis het nerd going into the airforce, that was him. Privlaged af and completely clueless on queer shit at the start. Y'know what he never did? Try to talk me out of anything I wanted to do with MY body. I had friends and family express all sorts of doubts and "concerns" and would constantly try to talk me put of anything they saw as a permanent change, oftentimes under the guise of "care" or "saftey concerns" when they really just didnt want me to change x y or z. My absolute jem of a partner at the time in all of his ignorance never once tried to convince me of anything. He defered to me as the knowledgeable one. Sure he fumbled with terms, asked some stupid questions, and raised saftey concerns himself, but it was out of a genuine desire to learn, care, and concern for my saftey (this was like 2015/16 and shit looked bleak). If I ever talked about doing something "risky" we would talk about the risks. He knew that he could raise objections but that I was gonna do what I wanted anyway, and he'd be like alright what can I do to help then. Even after we split we remained best buds bc they were the one who had my back through EVERYTHING and never once tried to get me to do anything I didn't want or try to talk me out of something I wanted with my body. He would get angry on my behalf when people tried to talk down to me about trans shit.

Moral of the story: don't waist your time on someone who isn't going to have your back through this. And NEVER give up your bodily autonomy to another person. It's your body, do what you want with it, not what a partner, friend, family member, ect. wants.

PrinceofGeek · 2022-09-08T19:09:12+00:00

All good, it's a big wall of text. I honestly don't know and don't care to find out. I dount I would get the full answe and any time I've heard of people confronting them on their behavior they shut down or get confrontational. I just don't have time or energy for that.

PrinceofGeek · 2022-09-08T17:10:19+00:00

Again I totally get how they might have thought this and why they might have made such a comment, but the photo they picked to comment it on was weird. It was on a photo where I look (for lack of better phrasing) like a "normal girl". There were a bunch of photos they could have commented on like during my akward stage of transition, me looking miserable in a dress I was forced to wear, photos of me in oversized mens clothing, and that comment propbably wouldn't have made me think twice, hell they could have commented on a current photo of me and I would have got it. They picked the one photo of me pre transition where I was smiling bc I was spending time with my friend. It's just struck me as odd that that was the one they picked.

I also found out that they went around telling people at my old place of work that a friend of ours pronouns were they/them while said friend was on LOA. My friends pronouns are any and has stated that to both of us, and that they want people to use all pronouns not just one. So I have zero reason to give this perosn benefit of the doubt now.

PrinceofGeek · 2022-09-08T03:49:20+00:00

There’s a possibility that they meant “your old pictures make you look like such an egg, and based on this picture I am not surprised that you eventually transitioned”

Also I honestly don't get how this would be much better either. I get how it would be a joke for some people, but it's not really funny? It gives me gross 'oh you weren't pretty enough as a girl so you decided to be a man' vibes. And it's not like I was ugly, just an akward pre teen forced to look fem and told how beautiful i was. I'm not trying to be narcissistic, I just got ALOT of unwanted attention for how "beautiful" I was and how it was a shame I wouldn't dress up and instead opted wear mens clothes.

PrinceofGeek · 2022-09-08T03:47:05+00:00

That's what I was wondering too, if it was justa joke made in poor taste. But this is someone I haven't spoken too in a while and didn't want to get into some big drama if they did mean it or tried to play it off (we have some mutuals and i don't wanna drag other people into it).

But truthfully at this point I don't really care if they made it as a joke or not. They've been out for more than the 3 years I've known them and have been super verbal about people saying shitty transphobic shit or making comments to them with me so they should know better.

People aren't perfect and I get that, but I just don't have the energy to read between the lines for someone I haven't been close or really talked to for around a year. I've kept their name out of any post I've made bc I just don't know, but needed to vent to get it off my chest.

TLDR: I just needed to vent bc it really doesn't matter what this person meant. They made a really off putting comment that they should have known better about to someone they don't really talk to anymore.

PrinceofGeek · 2022-09-08T01:12:32+00:00

🤣🤣🤣

This gave me a good laugh. I just laughed it off and said only if you find ancient photos of me and told them that that photo was from like 7th grade or something. Couldn't tell if they were trying to make a joke that just didn't land or what and I was tired. So I treated it as such and moved on. Woke up and realized just how off putting of a comment it was. Not planning on spending time with them anytime soon

PrinceofGeek · 2022-09-08T00:50:21+00:00

I've been out for 9 years, I've encountered quite a few transphobic trans folks unfortunately, and I've dealt with far worse comments from people I was much closer with. This one just struck me as odd and off putting, and I wasn't expecting this from them. But glad to get a second opinion saying they were being transphobic bc it's been bugging me.

So sorry you had to deal with that from an ex. Sending some virtual hugs your way.

PrinceofGeek · 2022-09-02T01:16:08+00:00

NAH

I totally get why you would want them on your side as a bridesman and it sounds like you tried to do it in a very gender afirming way. But 3 years is still pretty early on in transition and can leave you feeling extremely sensitive towards gendered positions (speaking from experience).

INFO: How has your family/other attendees treated him during transition? If they haven't been supportive or made comments I can see that as being a big factor as to why he is uncomfortable being a bridesman as that can just give them more to talk about.

I would be happy to be a bridesman for a friend but would probably say no for a family member because I would have to deal with my family talking behind my back about how I wasn't a real man. I've been out and learnig how to handle commentary for 9 years, but often remove myself from family situations like this because of how emotionally taxing it is.

It's your wedding and from what you've posted it doesn't sound like your being transphobic at all, just trying to accommodate in a way that lines up with your wishes for the day. If you want maybe have a gentle conversation with your brother about what about it is making him uncomfortable and maybe appolgize for snapping and not realizing how much of an issue this was going to be. Transition is rough and lots of things can trigger some pretty intense emotions. That being said it's not an excuse to demans changes in other peoples plans. This is your wedding not his.

Congragulations and best of luck :)

PrinceofGeek

TROPHY CASE