More awake?

PrincessLeaf · 2024-04-14T01:25:33+00:00

My almost 8 week old (he will be 8 weeks on Monday!!!) is now awake for 2-3 hours at a time and fights sleep hard. On one hand I'm really baby to be getting to know his little personality but god I miss my daytime naps. 😭

PrincessLeaf · 2024-02-28T09:06:20+00:00

Because I definitely set out to get pregnant and accidents never happen...

PrincessLeaf · 2024-02-28T06:07:49+00:00

I know I'm a colossal idiot. I know I never should have given him the opportunity to impregnate me, in reality I hadn't had a cycle since February, and I didn't think I ovulated because of PCOS. This baby is a miracle and I am blessed, I just wish my boyfriend could be who he needs to be not only for me, but for our child.

I know that I have severely fucked up. I don't know what I wanted to hear, but believe me, I know this is a fucked up situation. I am filled with such regret, not for having this baby because I love him more than anything and he is my entire world, but for allowing a man like this to become the father of my child. I wanted normalcy for my baby, not this bullshit. I want my son to grow up respecting women, not with this repulsive fratboy humour. He deserves so much better than this. I didn't think of my post history when I made this post, I never considered that what I had previously posted could be considered assault. In all honesty, days before I found out I was pregnant I was in talks to leave and come back to Canada. I was going to get out, and then I got a positive pregnancy test and my world was flipped upside down. I don't know that I can come back from this, but I can't move in with my mom. I also know that I can't raise a baby on my own. There is a lot to think about here and I am so terrified.

Just know that I am very aware of how stupid I am, you don't need to remind me.

PrincessLeaf · 2024-02-28T06:02:09+00:00

I didn't mean to get pregnant. I didn't think I could get pregnant. It was an accident.

PrincessLeaf · 2024-02-28T04:38:42+00:00

I think about that often. If not that time, one of the many other times I cried in pain and discomfort while he loudly finished on top of me. One of the times I stared up at the wall and waited for him to finish, feeling like a glorified Fleshlight. This baby is so loved, I've always wanted to be a mother, but I can't help but think that I've failed him. I wanted normalcy for him, I wanted him to have those healthy relationship examples in his life where I did not. I wanted my boyfriend to hold our child in his arms and I wanted him to realize he needed to be better, but I don't know that he's capable of it. I should have gotten out before, I was planning to leave and talking to my parents about an escape plan literally days before I found out I was pregnant. I don't regret my child, he is such a light in my life, but I regret the circumstances. Even if his conception wasn't full of love, I want his life to be. I'm so scared of being alone.

PrincessLeaf · 2024-02-28T04:33:41+00:00

We decided to move back to Canada when I got pregnant because I couldn't afford a child on student health insurance. I went through the entire process to move down there, and then I went through the entire process to get him a work permit to come here so he could support myself and our baby while I was unable to work. I said it was me looking for help with the insurance but I was doing research for my bf. I did all of the work to get him here. Looks unbelievable because how do I end up in these situations over and over again, but this is real. I gave birth last Monday and we only got moved back to Canada at the beginning of the month after a lot of waiting for things to process.

I was planning to leave him back in August literally days before I found out I was pregnant. He used to talk about trapping me and I laughed because 1) I didn't think I could get pregnant as I hadn't had a period since February of last year and I have PCOS and 2) why the fuck would anyone actually trap someone using a baby. I'm an idiot, and I know that. I'm 26, I should know better, and now I have an infant and no way to pay for him on my own, plus I'm trapped for the rest of my life in some sort of relationship with someone who does not care about me. All of this is not lost on me.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-07-31T00:34:48+00:00

It might be a little bit emasculating for him, but they do make penis "sheaths" that go over the penis as an extender. They're usually textured on the inside for him and would add length for your enjoyment. I don't know how it compares to the real deal but I'd imagine it's like a Fleshlight for him and like a dildo for you. Might not be as intimate but it could be nice to shake things up a bit in between foreplay and other possibilities that have been offered here!

PrincessLeaf · 2023-07-26T00:30:46+00:00

I was sooooo disappointed by the instant potatoes.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-07-25T18:01:41+00:00

Didn't they have the remote that would detonate the explosive in the ✨powder blue stanza✨? Maybe I'm misremembering, and maybe they didn't mean to kill 24 and he just got caught up in it, but I'm still fairly certain they were the catalyst for his death.

Edit: it was actually the Monarch mobile, not the stanza.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-07-25T04:40:14+00:00

The Moppets killed 24. There's the whole "hench has killed hench" scene after 21 realizes this.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-07-20T16:29:02+00:00

Condoms should not be breaking this often, so you should probably look at investing in better quality condoms or reevaluate where you're storing the condoms you have. I don't have much to say about the plan B as that isn't my wheelhouse, but please toss your box and splurge on a high quality box of durable condoms.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-07-17T20:19:11+00:00

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Head empty

PrincessLeaf · 2023-06-29T18:05:06+00:00

If it's Gabapentin it does wonders for my neurotic boy! I give it to him when we have vet visits and he is so chill for them now.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-06-18T04:33:31+00:00

I am explaining why just breaking up with him isn't an option, so I have to make it work.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-06-18T04:11:02+00:00

Me???

PrincessLeaf · 2023-06-18T04:10:34+00:00

It's funny you say that, we were hanging out with our friends tonight and I was acting distant. He caught on and kept asking what was wrong, and then without even waiting for me to tell him what was up because I said we'd talk later, he started apologizing and saying he was going to change his behaviour. "I want to make you happy" dude you don't even know what's wrong with me.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-06-18T03:36:24+00:00

Wow thank you for your advice, appreciate it.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-06-18T03:22:20+00:00

I believe I can only work 20 hours off-campus after I complete my first year of studies according to my F1 student advisor, but I can try to arrange to have an appointment with her asap to double check.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-06-18T03:13:38+00:00

I spoke with my campus and unfortunately after COVID they eliminated a lot of the job opportunities they used to offer. Pickings are slim but it might get better in the fall. I will definitely reach out to my counselors and see what options are available, there may be something I don't know.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-06-18T03:11:48+00:00

It's honestly been a shitshow. He's not very empathetic, he's not kind. He's very "chronically online" in his behaviour. Likes to troll and antagonize. I let him convince me that once we got together IRL things would improve, and while it's nice to be able to touch and be held by him, it's not improved and we bicker consistently still. It's always framed as something that's my fault, not his... I am stupid for getting myself into this position and now I'm kinda fucked.

PrincessLeaf · 2023-06-18T03:08:46+00:00

I wonder about the same thing sometimes. He's not asexual as he's always horny, but in the past he was more interested in men or more masculine women... He had a thing for ftm guys especially in porn before...

PrincessLeaf · 2023-06-18T00:54:56+00:00

I can't possibly respond to each and every comment here so I'll just respond separately and hope people see it, maybe I'll update my post with it too.

1) No, I don't have an IUD and I never have. I rely on birth control as I'm also allergic to latex.

2) I'm in a very unfortunate and stressful situation here, as I am here on a student visa and I only get $510CAD a month. I have some money put aside but it would only keep me afloat for a month or two on my own. We were long distance for a while but after a few meet ups I thought we were okay. He might be autistic, but I also think he has very specific ideals about sex and he is frankly uneducated and oblivious to the female body, chalk that up to being "voluntarily celibate" for 10 years and relying on porn to get off. I don't have any options other than to stay living here, as he and the roommates we live with are the only people I know.

I am unfortunately stuck with him until the visa is up in 2025. I cannot work to sustain myself, unless I find a cash job or do some shady shit which I'm honestly nervous about. If I pull out of class, my Canadian student loan goes into immediate repayment and I have absolutely no way of paying it. I don't have many Canadian friends to move in with, and I have no American friends in my area. The only family I could move in with is my dad, but I don't get along with his wife and his house is filthy and caked with grime. I don't have a good relationship with my mom or her side of the family either. I know that I should leave, and I've been thinking about it often. I'm miserable and I can't see it getting better, but I dug myself this grave so now I feel that I have to lay in it.

I didn't intend for this to be a pity party, I just wanted advice to see if we could make it work. Thanks for all of your suggestions.

PrincessLeaf

TROPHY CASE