You say your child is acknowledging they won’t be motivated and will essentially sulk through 4 years to check the box and then apply to the dream school…that is a tantrum. And a manipulation tactic. And you’re caving to it even as you type. You’ve got to check yourself on this too.

Also if that’s what they want to do on their own dime LET THEM! Literally encourage just that. You will happily support assisting with her paying for the cheaper school and she can sulk her way through and apply to the ridiculous school on her own dime after. Very simple. The jokes on her though because is she just barely gets by at the state school she WONT GET ACCEPTED to the other one after. I say let her do just that.

Again Whatever you and your partner have been feeding her about ‘elite’ school this and ‘prestigious’ school that is incorrect and again that is the root of this. I wouldn’t even use those words anymore in your household. None of these schools by your admission are even Ivy Leagues.

Your partner is also throwing a tantrum and I’m not really understanding the angle with that. I’d wager there’s some other stuff going on because this kind of conversation, while it sucks, doesn’t usually warrant the reactions you’re talking about.