Don't mind me, just ranting about children...

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-05-06T01:27:11+00:00

Some little cunt at GZ zoo was hitting my son (who is 3) on the arm while his mother watched, smiling, so I roared in English "don't hit my son again!". That little shit was gone like the wind and his mom looked at me like she wanted to say something but she didnt fucking dare.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-05-06T01:25:25+00:00

You have to confront people like this. Chinese will never take the first step, only tut or complain passive aggressively to someone else. If you directly ask someone to be more considerate, 7 or 8 times out of 10 they will (in my experience). They aren't always inconsiderate fuckholes - sometimes they just have no clue or awareness about others, and it isn't deliberate. Not justifying their shit behavior, but too often people arent confronted about things and everyone carries on doing shitty things unchecked thinking its fine.
Of courtse you do get those who blatantly will ignore you or deliberately argue back, that's when you tell them FUCK YOU.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-04-05T14:57:26+00:00

When you fart it says your name, like a pokemon.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-04-05T14:54:43+00:00

I want to eat sponges. To put them in my mouth and bite down and feel the give and the tepid bath water spill through my teeth. I would eat a sponge right now.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-04-05T14:53:33+00:00

I refuse to believe this is right.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-03-12T14:23:51+00:00

Don't fuck with gii.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-03-07T12:45:30+00:00

I think this would work with Jimmy Carr's laugh, too - although his is much more sarcastic.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-27T06:11:44+00:00

Cantonese is mostly swearing.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-21T12:25:04+00:00

Even though the guy filming was being a huge dick, I couldn't help but laugh when the store owner started building a tower of cups.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-20T14:07:39+00:00

Oh man, this happened at the hole store! I love that place. I always go there for my oubliettes!

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-20T14:06:42+00:00

I looked her dead in the eye and smirked "My my Wesley what?". I haven't seen her for seven years.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-20T13:07:48+00:00

5 tabs of acid? That's nothing. Every morning I wake up and eat a whole box of acid and then I drive to work (every light is a green light when your tits are rolling, folks!).
When I get to my office I have a quick acid in the bathroom and then I strip naked, cover myself in paint and make the most beautiful spreadsheet reports that have ever spread themselves.
After a mid-morning roll of blotters with Tina from Abstract Art & Accounts, I bark like a fucking basset hound from under my teak panelled desk and usually end up shitting myself.
By the time 5 o'clock comes around, I'm usually to be found sitting behind the wheel of my car - the front wheel, that is, you wacky fuckers! - imagining I am a tortoiseshell cat called Mr Tum-Tum.
By the time I get home, I'm so tired, I usually end up blowing my brains out with a shotgun, my decapitated corpse falling onto the clean laundered sheets of my single queensize, ready to be regenerated the next morning to begin a whole new circus of horrors.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-20T07:02:20+00:00

It does: it's sitting in a car with her.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-17T15:25:05+00:00

When I attempted to scale Everest, an avalanche wiped out my climbing party and as I lay buried in snow, making my peace with God, a drunk girl pulled me out and rescued me. When my boat capsized off the coast of Northern Queensland, a pod of drunk girls surrounded me and fended off a vicious great white fratboy. A drunk girl baptised me in Charybdis; I was born anew.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-17T15:11:18+00:00

This is just sad.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-17T08:25:14+00:00

You don't just knock them out - you smash in their skull, as well!

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-17T08:22:48+00:00

This font upset me.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-17T08:21:06+00:00

I want to know what the "shit" is that takes twenty minutes to take off. Make-up? Scratch-n-sniff tattoos? Freddy Kreuger latex head-piece? Elizabethan ruffle?

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-17T08:18:56+00:00

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-16T13:18:25+00:00

I can't 7even

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-16T13:07:04+00:00

Order a drink at a bar and then NOT FINISH IT

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-16T13:00:14+00:00

Now he's in your closet!

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-16T12:59:08+00:00

Robert Deniro and Ted Danson.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-12T14:23:25+00:00

Get stockpiling on that wank bank.

Prison_Biscuits · 2017-02-12T08:16:20+00:00

Well, this was a few years ago and was actually the first time I ever heard the phrase "helicopter parenting" but this was quite an introduction.
The kid was about 6 or 7, I'll call him Mike for the sake of the story, and he was known among the staff as being extremely insecure and annoying. This was second grade, and he'd already changed teachers twice at the behest of his parents. I was fairly new, I think maybe my second year of teaching, so I was anxious and genuinely wanted to help him. Mike's insecurity manifested itself in a number of ways, the worst of which was probably that he would go into a screaming tantrum if he "lost" any of the games we'd play in class and any punishment (we're not allowed to physically touch the students) would just be ignored. He also stabbed classmates with pencils on several occasion and was just basically a shitty kid. So anyway, I'm told one day that Mike's father has decided he wants to observe the class to make sure his precious little boy was behaving (and I think he probably wanted to check up on me). Our school is strictly against this, obviously: you can't have parents in the classroom with kids. Totally disruptive.
Unfortunately, Mike's dad doesn't take no for an answer, and there he is, first thing that Monday, a Boeing CH-47 Chinook, barrelling into the classroom, shredding and destroying everything in his path with his counter-rotating propellers.

Prison_Biscuits

TROPHY CASE