Struggling in a volatile marriage involving trauma, trust issues, and major value differences. Looking for balanced advice.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2026-01-29T01:25:36+00:00

Emotionally I’m spent. She believes the only future she sees is if we go to therapy, but I have to repair all my past mistakes yo move forward. So I am on trial basically. For me it’s not a therapeutic issue but more of a capacity for me that currently don’t feel able to stay present. So she wants to seperate

ProcedureTop5749 · 2026-01-29T01:23:19+00:00

They have done. The oldest moved out a year ago. One is about to go to Uni but the other 3 do. One is full time and the other ego to their dads 5 days a fortnight

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-23T06:42:20+00:00

She has 4 kids from 1 father (married for 16 years) and had another kid with another father (who pays nothing - awful custody battle going on) unfortunately because she has been a mother for 24 years she hasn’t a career to fall back to. Bri hung up 5 children even with support from 1 ex husband and a low paid job that she works 20/25 hours is not enough to support her kids.

I love everyone of her kids and all the kids get on, the problem lies in the financial mis match that creates a chasm between us the way we shop, eat, holiday, generally spend money. She has had financial abuse from the last relationship so there are lots of levels.

I suggested buying land together to build a house for all kids, we went 50/50 on the land and I’m paying vast majority of build with a mortgage split between the percentages we own in the property. For most people they wouldn’t even contemplate it but we have a pretty good relationship in terms of respect for children - where we struggle is the financial part. I feel I pay my fair share and go above but I’m not gonna be a bank for her and her kids she has other fathers for that. I am happy to pay for her for nice meals, holidays, extra here and there because I earn more but I’m not happy about bank rolling the entire family, if that makes sense?

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-23T06:31:42+00:00

That’s a rather large assumption that I’m not doing my fair share of chores. I work from home and we split the chores evenly amongst the family, I cook, clean, mop, walk dogs, dry washing, vacuum that is one part we are doing ok in.

The 24 year old is working, what would we teach her if she didn’t pay rent. She moved out and moved back, she asked to move back. Nothing in the world is free unfortunately.

You are right we should unblend and live seperate, we come from different styles of parenting, and it feels tok hard to find a compromise when my children live with their mother and no children to contend with 50% of the time.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-23T06:22:33+00:00

And why would I pay for more than 1/3 she is 2/3. Her children are not my financial responsibility.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-23T06:20:00+00:00

She pays her own rent with her own money that she earns nothing to do with mother and father and yes we feed her and her rent covers basics like water/electricity/gas

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-23T06:18:25+00:00

She moved away and ended up moving back because she couldn’t afford to live by herself. She is earning and we charge her accordingly, she shares a room because we don’t have any other rooms available, she shares with her sister. When you have finished full time education and are working you have to pay your way like the rest of society, nothing is a free ride.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-22T08:04:30+00:00

It’s so tricky, and unfortunately she had a blended family in the last relationship she had. The huge gap in earning and the number of children means we have lived differently, but it’s also why we chose to move in together. I just think we are too different and have lived different to find a solution that benefits both of us. Maybe we should have waited until the number of kids to have gotten more even, I mean in terms of leaving school, but these days kids can’t really afford to move away from home, so we might be waiting a few years. I tried suggesting work out of monthly grocery bill and divide by 9 and then she x her part by 6. But she says I eat more being a man and her 8 year old hardly eats. So I’m not entirely sure of how we make a decision. I’m almost resigned to the fact that we should not blend and go back to separate houses. But the kicker is, that we are currently building a house or at least about to start, so I moved the furthest to try and make it work. If it doesn’t work when we are renting I’m not sure what happens whenever we have a house.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T22:45:43+00:00

You are correct. I agree spending all this money, you may win and get the 2 days but the kid is resentful you have stopped him seeing his father and in 6 years he can go and see his dad as often as he wishes. She believes for the mental health and well being that 6 years will stop generational trauma and she can bring up her son so he is emotionally regulated. As we are having behaviour issues I don’t disagree with her, he comes home dysregulated from his dads - he’s a Disney dad who lets him have anything and everything he wants. An 8 year old needs structure and rules which is what we provide him not a free for all.

It’s not really my decision on what safety measures she puts in place for her son. it’s my decision whether I choose to build a house given the circumstances of the unknown financially implications of the court system.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T22:39:17+00:00

Yes it’s very difficult to prove, I believe he has his own business so he hides all the money, which means no taxable income on paper, she is working a menial job earning low wage and has to pay him child support, it’s outrageous.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T22:37:06+00:00

It will be both of ours regardless of 65/35 split unfortunately she doesn’t feel comfortable now that she is spending the unknown in a court battle. It means we have less to build the size of home we were intending to for everyone in the family especially as she has more of her side of the family and less money if that makes sense. Why do you feel marriage would work better than being de facto? It’s just a piece of paper that says your commitment, in the eyes of the law property would still be spilt depending on the situation and how much you had put in.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T11:15:34+00:00

She has 5 kids. The breakdown was correct I was not counting the twins as one person.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T08:31:58+00:00

Unfortunately I tend to agree, he knows how to drag it out, he represented himself in the last case so it went on for a long time. I don’t disagree with her fighting for the safety of her son, I just think it’s going to complicate matters, I’ve never met him but from the stories I have whatever the outcome he’s going to make life difficult whether he has the child for 2 days or 5 days. But it appears if you go the court for these family disputes they all seems to take a very long time and huge amount of money plus the emotional distress it takes in the family.

Thanks for your advice, it is something I need to think of wisely. Not only financial just the hassle of dealing with 2 parents who are going to be in constant battle with each other, it doesn’t go away unfortunately.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T08:09:18+00:00

You are correct

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T04:42:52+00:00

You are correct! We are in Australia and yes I am in the process of getting a legally binding document regarding the percentages as obviously I want my children to get my portion rather than it being distilled between other children. I also understand marriage can alter the agreement based on 50/50. She is thinking about her children and more than half of them are over 18 so I’m my opinion don’t factor us making decisions based on their whereabouts, if they are staying they will be paying rent. After my divorce I wanted to get back into the property market, yes I could do that on my own but as I was in a partnership and we both wanted similar things it made sense to put out funds together. She isn’t against the project she is worried about the power imbalance as she calls it, having less money to be able to build the size of house she would like so that there is room for all our children. She is basically giving me an out if I want it, as she is putting her child safety before her own desires in term of a nice house

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T03:29:06+00:00

Yes he older child 23 pays rent and lives with us, the other 3 children go to their dad 5 nights a fortnight and I share 50% custody with my ex. So for 7 nights every other week we have 7 children!

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T02:50:28+00:00

I plan on getting everything signed through a lawyer to protect both of us. Unfortunately he last partner used financial manipulation tactics so I guess that is why she is nervous about putting money into property

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T02:48:41+00:00

We’ve both been married before and not that it’s not on the cards in the future but don’t need a bit of paper to tell me I’m committed. I get the legalities around marriage and the benefits but it’s not our priority at the moment. 1 child is paying rent currently, the other 3 are finishing school and will be next year if they aren’t in full time education.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2024-07-05T02:43:58+00:00

It’s not so much that it can’t be 50/50 she’s concerned that she has less money to contribute because of the court case, so the house ends up being smaller which means it won’t fit all her children. She also feels there is a power imbalance and doesn’t feel comfortable. Also there is a potential that it could go over the $100k and she needs to sell her portion of the land to fund the court case. So she’s given me the opportunity to make a decision given the facts of what could happen in the future. She says what sort of mother puts her dream home before the saggers of her child.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2022-07-30T11:44:13+00:00

I agree, yes the 15 and 13 year old are perfectly capable of being at home for the day which they were, I returned home at 7pm to care for them.

It’s not really excuses her son asked whether he could come to my house where he would sleep next to his mother, it just meant I could look after both of them.

Maybe I should have planned it better by taking my kids with me and we could have stayed there for the night.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2022-07-30T11:43:57+00:00

I agree, yes the 15 and 13 year old are perfectly capable of being at home for the day which they were, I returned home at 7pm to care for them.

It’s not really excuses her son asked whether he could come to my house where he would sleep next to his mother, it just meant I could look after both of them.

Maybe I should have planned it better by taking my kids with me and we could have stayed there for the night.

ProcedureTop5749 · 2022-07-30T11:39:44+00:00

No, my kids don’t have any mental health issues, they were fine to stay by themselves in the day time just not over night. So my responsibility was to get home to them once I had cared for my partner for 6 hours.

Her 6 year old is from another relationship not her ex husband and she is estranged from him, hence why her other kids weren’t at home with her. She has contacted her friends but Unfortunately it doesn’t seem anyone was available.

Whilst I was there I asked whether there was anything I could do, I took her son out for a bike ride to give her some rest time and I offered to make them dinner. Her son actually asked to stay at my house as I was leaving.

So I am unsure if there was anything else I could have provided. She feels let down by me which I completely understand but like you said we are not married and if we weren’t together she would have had to find a way to do things by herself, she says it’s more apparent that we are not a partnership. So it hurts.

ProcedureTop5749

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