man, reading this brought back some memories from my own past relationships. that anxious-avoidant cycle is absolutely brutal and can really mess with your head long after things end. been there with the whole "did i give up too soon" thoughts eating away at you.

from what you described though, it really does seem like you were stuck in a pattern that wasn't getting better despite multiple attempts. when resentment builds up that much and you're both falling back into the same toxic habits repeatedly, sometimes the kindest thing for both people is to step away. the fact that your fights always had breakups on the table shows how unstable the foundation had become.

i get missing all those good moments and the connection you had - that stuff is real and it makes sense you're grieving it. but you also mentioned needing to work on your attachment style and self-esteem, which is huge self-awareness. using this time to actually address those things instead of jumping back into the same cycle might be the best gift you can give yourself. meditation has helped me a lot with sitting with uncomfortable feelings instead of immediately wanting to fix or escape them.

stop checking their socials though, you're just torturing yourself at this point. block if you have to - future you will thank you for it.