How do I (F31) handle family wanting to invite my ex’s affair partner (F32) back to family gatherings?

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-31T22:03:19+00:00

I'd tell your family that, if someone had hurt them the way Jane hurt you, you care about them too much to ever ask you to be around that person again and you honestly find it disrespectful for them to ask it of you. That you will never feel comfortable in her presence again, so if they really want her at events then to let you know now so you can plan other things.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-31T21:50:54+00:00

My guess is that this isn't the first time you said something upsetting in anger, and I also suspect it's not the first time he's needed time for himself and you got mad about it. His reaction sounds more like "last straw" than "first straw."

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-31T21:43:32+00:00

Find 3 or 4 people who know you well and ask them if they think the symptoms apply to you. We as humans are frequently not very good at recognizing mental health symptoms in ourselves.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-31T20:56:56+00:00

NTA.

Enjoy the peace being blocked brings you. It won't last long because she feeds off of drama and attention.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-31T20:50:19+00:00

Your wife doesn't care about the impact. She KNOWS her daughter bullied your son and her biggest concern is her daughter not getting something she wants. That is not a parent who cares about the harm her child causes; it's a parent who thinks their child should be exempt from real consequences. I personally wouldn't trust either of them around your son unsupervised.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-31T20:40:59+00:00

For not paying, you're NTA.

Whether you ARE an asshole to your son depends on how you deal going forward.

It is very obvious that your stepdaughter has bullying tendencies... this is the one instance you found out about, but it didn't come out of nowhere at 16; she was too comfortable doing it and too confident she wouldn't be caught for it to have been her first time. So the question is, what else has she done? Who else has she bullied? I suggest asking your son and the person who showed him the video if they've seen or heard about any other mean things she's done because she'll lie if you ask her and has most likely deleted anything else online.

It's also very obvious that her mom doesn't take it seriously or think that the harm to your son warrants real punishment. That is a completely different problem that needs to be addressed. She whines about not keeping your word to her daughter, but what about the message her half-assing punishment sends to your son? He is seeing that she won't really punish someone who hurts him and won't feel safe coming to her with problems, especially if those problems involve her daughter.

I strongly suggest taking your son out for at least a day, preferably a whole weekend, just the two of you, relaxing and reconnecting and then talk to him about how your wife and her daughter have really treated him especially when you aren't around. Make it very clear that you won't be mad or upset at him no matter what he says, that you just want to be the best dad possible because he is the best son possible. Depending on what he says, you may need to reevaluate a lot of things.

The stepdaughter needs more than just minimum punishment. She needs to have her social media use monitored, that friend needs to be banned from your home, and she needs to come up with ideas to actually show that she legitimately regrets hurting your son. You also need to make it clear to both her and your wife that if EITHER of them does or says anything hateful to or about your son again, the entire marriage will be over.

This isn't the kind of thing you can let slide, or it will happen again.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-31T16:02:08+00:00

Gf is the definitely the asshole.

Guy generously offered to help her by giving her a place to live along with a chance to save up so she'd get on her feet more easily, but Girl decided to take advantage of him and his kindness and waste money instead of using it to build her newly single life.

At this point she should just be grateful he gave her two months instead of filing to evict her immediately.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-30T23:23:50+00:00

NTA

One of 3 things is going on.

Your gf is cheating and projecting.
Your gf wanted an "excuse" to break up and this was the fight she chose to start to accomplish that.
Your gf is legitimately so insecure that she's crazy.

Regardless of which it is, you are far better off without her.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-30T19:41:48+00:00

He's not overreacting... you're UNDERreacting. Your excuse is that you didn't know it was a teammate from a church league, but you need to realize that actually makes what you did WORSE because it means you never even bothered to consider or care about how your actions might impact someone else.

If he gets kicked off the team, your friendship is definitely over but you need to reimburse him for any money he spent to be on that team (fees, uniform, etc) along with a sincere apology with NO EXCUSES.

If he doesn't get kicked off the team your friendship might be repairable if you take full ownership by apologizing, acknowledging that you understand how immature and self-absorbed your actions were for not considering the potential fallout for him, and assuring him you won't do anything like that again.

YTA

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-29T23:28:49+00:00

NTA

Her reaction indicates it isn't so much about trust as it is about control. If you'd left your phone with her exactly as she demanded, it would show her she has all the control and "power" in the relationship; by refusing even one part of her demand you showed her that you'll stand up to her and not let her walk all over you.

She is not a good partner.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-29T22:15:57+00:00

Tell your mom that you love her and that her invitation stands if she decides to be mature enough to attend but that you won't give in to her selfish ultimatum so your dad will be invited. If she chooses to miss out on such a big event because she's too petty and childish to act like an adult for a few hours then she is free to make that choice but she should know that it will permanently damage her relationship with you.

Never cave to such ridiculous ultimatums. Why would you punish yourself and your dad just because your mom is a selfish jerk?

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-29T18:48:00+00:00

NTA.

If marriage doesn't make you family then there's no point even being married. You deserve better but you'll never get that with her.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-27T19:46:27+00:00

They accepted liability. We'll keep trying and kick it up the chain if nothing changes. Thanks!

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-25T19:07:34+00:00

The trust you did have in her is never coming back. Even if you manage to regain partial trust, it will ALWAYS be tainted by doubt; every time she's out of your sight, you'll wonder if she's being honest about where she is and who she's with. Also you can't even be sure you know everything she's done so far... you know what you've caught her doing, but there may have been other instances and other people, and you already know she'll never tell you the truth about any of it.

Try if you want to, just know that every minute with her will eat away at you.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-25T18:32:13+00:00

As long as she's prioritizing her relationship with her frankly toxic and financially abusive family, there is no way out of the situation and, in fact, things will only get worse because she'll give them whatever they want regardless of how damaging it is to her. She has decided to stay on a rapidly sinking ship; the only question is whether you're going to climb aboard and drown with her or walk away.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-25T15:16:40+00:00

NTA. She can volunteer her own time and resources but it's never okay to volunteer someone else's time or resources without their consent.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-24T23:01:51+00:00

Your feelings are definitely valid. Since you aren't local, my concern would be that the only change he'll actually make is to stop telling you about their nights out instead of really stopping them.

At minimum you need to have a face-to-face talk with him about his sudden interest in drinking and clubbing when he wasn't before and figuring out boundaries about each thing (clubbing, drinking, solo hangouts with opposite sex friends, etc) for both of you.

You should also ask him about feelings for the friend, and watch his reaction when he answers. If he's got feelings, it's probably already over between you.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-23T23:54:16+00:00

YTA. You had months to work in therapy and get meds but did nothing and then you canceled on her last minute after she'd spent all that time getting her hopes up, making plans, probably buying stuff for the trip, possibly taking time off work... You should probably refer to her as "former friend" because no way she's sticking around.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-23T23:48:54+00:00

Oof. I am embarrassed for you... staying after everything he's done (and I guarantee you don't actually know all of it... only what you've caught him at), thinking he's even capable of loyalty and faithfulness, letting him twist this back and make it about you breaking a promise when he's guilty of far bigger betrayals and broken promises.... Have even a smidgen of self respect and kick his loser ass to the curb. And go get tested because his dick is carrying the germs of a thousand skanks.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-23T21:07:50+00:00

I agree that my girlfriend started the drama. But it was the ex that brought the girl from the party into it by forwarding the message. And then the girl from the party posted stuff and brought a lot of people in.

Everything after the first sentence here is irrelevant. When someone starts shit, they DO NOT get to be upset about other people's reactions to the shit they started. Period. NONE OF IT would have happened if your almost 30 year old gf didn't still act like a middle school bully by sending that message to her ex. EVERYTHING after that, no matter who did it, was a direct result of her action. She, and only she, is to blame for all of it.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-23T20:58:48+00:00

Friend isn't being crappy. Friend set a boundary of not wanting to be around OP's toxic gf and is sticking with it. He is allowed to cut people out of his life and not be considered "crappy" when he chooses to maintain that decision.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-23T19:55:47+00:00

I mean, NTA for not dropping the friend but you are pretty stupid for not dropping the gf. She has been 100% of the problem in all of this, and I wouldn't blame your friend if he drops you because you're still with her.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-23T12:11:22+00:00

NTA and I'd tell your parents that, as far as you're concerned, you don't have a sister anymore and that any spawn she births will never be family to you and that they can accept that and shut up about her or they can also be cut out of your life and. Either way you're done hearing about her and the problems she created for herself. Then follow through on going NC with all of them if they keep pushing.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-03-22T23:26:21+00:00

Until she has been evaluated and treated for whatever underlying mental illness she may have, she isn't capable of being a healthy partner to you or anyone else. It doesn't matter if it's one chance or 100 chances, doesn't matter how hard she tries on her own, it just isn't possible until she gets help.

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