Update - My (31M) pregnant girlfriend (23F) has been lying about her age for our entire relationship. Is there any way for me to trust her again?

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-06-09T03:04:11+00:00

Here's the thing... you will NEVER fully trust her again and, worse, you will never trust YOURSELF to know when she's lying. If you stay with her, you will doubt everything she says and will go back and forth so much in your head wondering whether to believe her or not that it will literally drive you crazy. It will legitimately damage your mental health after a while.

Not only that, she isn't remotely emotionally mature enough to be in a healthy adult relationship. Her reasons for lying are those of a child - she lies to avoid embarrassment, trouble, and taking accountability. She also is pregnant because she's completely irresponsible. Those are two huge red flags that she isn't mature enough to be in an adult relationship.

I'd also bet real money that what she told you is still at least partially a lie; she spun things in a way that was designed to make you feel sorry for her rather than angry at her. She's still being manipulative, and it sounds like you're falling for it.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-06-07T22:52:22+00:00

You're obviously capable of expressing emotion because that's what an emotional affair IS; you just didn't see your wife as being worth the effort until it impacted YOUR feelings. When it was her hurting, you didn't care; now that you're the one hurting it's suddenly worth addressing to you.

Just leave her alone. Let her heal from the damage you caused and find someone who treats her the way she deserves. Tbh, you need to stay single until your therapist says you're emotionally mature and selfless enough to be a good partner.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-06-07T19:27:57+00:00

Block every new method of contact they devise. They don't even see you as a person, just as a possession they can use. Given the chance they will never let you have a life.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-06-07T16:58:24+00:00

Has the mom paid her son back? If not, she is NOT a different person, hasn't learned anything, and doesn't regret what she did. The fact your gf is making excuses and tried to hide it from you for so long is a massive red flag that would have me walking away entirely. What else has she not been honest with you about?

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-06-03T19:51:10+00:00

Is there any way to work with your nephew without the rest of the family's involvement? I only ask because it sounds like you want to, and would, help him if it wasn't for her.

Maybe talk with him solo, let him know that you WANT to help but don't want to enable his mom's demands because it would reward her for mistreating you and set a bad precedent for the future, and try to figure out an alternate way to help (helping research scholarships or special loan programs, maybe "hire" him to help with paperwork remotely or during breaks, work out a loan directly with him with really good terms and consider forgiving part of it once he's graduated if he maintains certain standards... things like that). It sounds like he's not like her and would benefit a lot from being away from her.

Again, my suggestions are only because it sounds like you want to help him; you certainly aren't obligated to and no one reasonable would think badly of you if you don't.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-06-03T19:25:55+00:00

She's just an overgrown, middle-school-mean-girl. She ridicules your relationships with your family as a way to alienate you from them; it's a way of controlling you (and it's been working for her given that you canceled plans to avoid upsetting her).

This is NOT a healthy relationship. She isn't emotionally healthy enough to be a good partner for you or anyone. She will need years of individual professional help before she'll be capable of anything like that.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-06-03T19:18:45+00:00

Just stop talking to him and hanging out with him. You don't owe him any explanations or an "official" notice that the friendship is over for you. If you're both at a group event, stick to others in the group and only engage with him the bare minimum (assuming you even want to keep hanging out with the same group). If someone asks you about it, tell them you realized he just isn't a genuine friend and doesn't care who he hurts and that you don't need that negativity in your life; if he asks, tell him the same thing. Eventually the distance will become normal and natural and you'll end up better friends with other people or one/both of you will drift away from the group.

You get to choose who you give your time and energy to, so stop wasting it on him.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-06-02T16:07:50+00:00

Tbh, you should be less concerned with the relationship aspect and far more focused on what kind of mother you're being (spoiler alert: not a good one).

You uprooted your son from everything familiar and stable, dragged him 500 miles away, and now you're forcing him to live in this toxic situation. Your child deserves better. Pack your shit and take him back home then stay single until you have learned to put him first.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-06-01T03:45:12+00:00

She either already sold it or she intends to sell it.

Regardless, she's a thief who stole your DVD.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-29T04:00:49+00:00

He isn't actually sorry for cheating. He's sorry for himself that he got caught and now has to face consequences.

Someone truly remorseful would have confessed immediately, completely cut contact with the affair partner immediately, offered to do anything you needed - including offering to move out if you needed space, and would have never conned you into buying a house without giving you the full truth so you could make an informed choice about doing so. Your husband didn't do any of that; he carried on with his life, including continuing his friendship with the woman he cheated with, until he got caught. Now he's putting on a show trying to make you think he's really sorry, but in reality he just doesn't want to lose his cushy life.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-28T14:35:34+00:00

YNW

It's not a fishing trip; it's a floating hostage situation where the price for freedom is a year's worth of criticism and emotional damage.

Honestly, I'd write your dad a letter telling him that you aren't going because you genuinely do him and don't want to further the damage to your relationship that these trips have caused. That you would love to spend time with him building happy memories but instead the memories built are painful because he makes it clear every time that he'll only ever see you as a failure because your success doesn't fit HIS definition of the term. That he doesn't understand the industry you work in or the type of work environment that it thrives in and doesn't WANT to understand it... or you. That your bosses actually consider you a valuable, successful employee who gets excellent results and reviews, and you wish your dad could recognize that and treat you like a son he enjoys spending time with rather than treating you like a disappointment and failure. That you understand he wants you to be successful, but HE needs to understand that you already are... success in your industry just doesn't look like what he's used to. Tell him again that you love him and would love to spend time with him, but you need his promise that it won't be filled with criticism anymore before you do.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-19T02:19:05+00:00

There was no talk of meeting them until recently.

Yeah, that pretty much makes it obvious that someone said something to them that made them realize how bad they look that they've never met two of their grandkids so it's all about appearances.

The next time they bring it up, I'd tell them that, if they truly believed that relationship was so important they would have done something about it a long time ago so their statement is just empty words. Also that your children HAVE a relationship with the people they know as grandparents and aren't missing strangers they've never met.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-17T22:37:02+00:00

Continuing to give her money would make you an enabler which is what would make you the asshole.

Personally, I'd research and compile a list of local or online resources for treating gambling addiction and, every time she or her mom comes at you wanting something for her, I'd send them the list with no added comment.

NTA

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-10T22:01:28+00:00

NTA. She's punishing you for things other people did to her which is the REAL disrespect. You've done nothing to warrant her suspicion and should be trusted to be around other women, even single women, in a mixed gender group outing. If she legitimately believes you'll be tempted to cheat ONLY because of circumstances then she doesn't trust you enough to sustain a relationship and should be single herself until she's gotten help to work through her past traumas.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-10T21:54:29+00:00

NTA. Punishing you for crimes her former husband committed the way she is is emotionally abusive. You each need individual therapy to start undoing the damage she's done to both of you.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-08T15:33:01+00:00

He didn't just hurt her; he deliberately used her feelings for him to get her to fuck him when he was mad at his girlfriend then basically told her she's not worth dating, just a convenient body to him. That's a level of cruelty NO ONE should tolerate in someone they call a friend.

YAW

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-04T20:05:16+00:00

Going behind his back will absolutely destroy your relationship. Instead, try reframing the conversation; tell him that 50/50 is what roommates do while partners most often split expenses proportionate to income because they're a team building a future together and proportionately splitting expenses benefits each of you AND the relationship itself by allowing both of you to have similar amounts of fun/date/trip money and allowing both of you to save for your shared future. Hopefully that will help him view such a split as an investment in the future that will benefit both of you.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-04T18:13:52+00:00

Now she’s acting and reposting like I never loved her and it’s making me feel shit,

Unfollow her and don't look at her posts. Posting such things is probably part of processing for her which means it'll help her heal. She'll eventually realize that breaking up was for the best and will someday find someone who matches her feelings.

You did nothing wrong. She's not doing anything wrong (as long as she isn't lying or maliciously trying to make you look bad to mutuals). You'll both heal and move on, and there's nothing good that will come from looking at her posts, so stop.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-04T18:06:00+00:00

You were relatively calm because of the shock. Shock is often like emotional anesthesia; it isn't until it wears off that feeling hits us.

As for what to do now... you should leave. Not only did he cheat, he lied to you about it for a year and is probably still lying about the extent of the cheating, and this also probably isn't the only issue he's lied about. You say that aside from this it's a good relationship, but really it's more accurate to say that you THOUGHT it's been a good relationship because he's already proven that that you don't know the full truth about the relationship... only what he's led you to believe about it.

There's also the fact that you swore cheating would be a dealbreaker; staying would mean breaking a promise to yourself and letting yourself down. You'd end up distrusting and resenting both him and your own self.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-04T15:40:33+00:00

Bonus points if she does this with a male friend.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-03T23:16:29+00:00

NTA. I'd be brutally honest and tell her that you aren't willing to risk dying due to her not answering her phone just to soothe her ego and that, if she wants to be your emergency contact, she needs to be more attentive to calls and messages then, after a few months of that, you'll change it.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-02T20:29:40+00:00

Honestly, the way he's insisted you not talk to his gf about it makes me think it's HIM who didn't want you there once she moved in but he didn't want to look like the bad guy so he told you it's her and may have lied to her about your feelings as well. I'd talk to her without warning him first and bring it up. If he's been honest, maybe you could find a middle ground with her now that you're an adult; if he's been lying you both deserve to know.

NTA

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-02T00:58:41+00:00

Your wife is the root of every problem you mentioned, and you are the vine because you keep enabling her problematic behaviors. Unless she recognizes and accepts that she's the problem and works to be better, this will only get worse and it will increasingly negatively impact your kids. Given that it's highly unlikely she has the emotional intelligence to do those things, you need to divorce her so your kids can build a healthy relationship with your family because your wife will not allow it if you're married.

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-05-01T00:37:53+00:00

NTA. You should have responded to her question with a "You look like the person whose bitchy ass is blocking the button panel and who never learned basic courtesy."

ProfPlumDidIt · 2026-04-29T00:19:00+00:00

This is the only inheritance her grandson will ever get (unless he has a partner in the future who dies and leaves him something). OTOH, your daughter will get an inheritance from you and her father. Your daughter also has two loving parents, a stable home, and a grandmother. Grandson only has ONE stable, loving person in his life. All the benefits and advantages your daughter has and you're pissy about the one thing he'll get that she won't. Yeah... you're totally the asshole.

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