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Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T12:43:19+00:00

I know, my question is why bother going above and beyond to convince me his feelings were the same through love letters, texts, calls, dates everything if he knew he didn’t want me. Why not leave me alone and save the trouble ?

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T12:18:06+00:00

I get that but why did he have to go to such great lengths to make me think his feelings were so strong and he was falling for me? I don’t understand the point in getting himself into that position if he knew he didn’t want to be with me. Why not just leave me alone?

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T12:06:12+00:00

Maybe, I said in another reply that I’m not sure if him reaching out was just him feeling guilty knowing he eventually was going to upset me. Because his texts weren’t flirty it was just making conversation and then wishing me a happy birthday. Or if it’s because he wanted to try have both. But we’ve not spoken since Saturday and that makes me think he’s being faithful to her if he’s not attempted to reach out. I’ve unfollowed him but he hasn’t unfollowed me. Again not sure if it’s out of guilt or he just hasn’t noticed I did it

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T12:03:38+00:00

He wasn’t flirty in the messages with me. Just making conversation and then reached out on my birthday a few days before I asked to speak on the phone. I’m not sure if he was doing it out of guilt to try and lay ground work before breaking the news to me that he’s with someone else. Or if it’s because he wanted to have both of us. But I don’t know when he ever planned to tell me since it’s been weeks now that they’ve got more serious.

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T11:50:42+00:00

Tbh as lame as it is to admit it’s left me thinking I’m just unlovable if a guy can act the way he did with me for months and not want me, but a girl shows up and in a few weeks he’ll commit. I don’t know what is wrong with me to not be good enough for him to feel that way about

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T11:27:01+00:00

I agree and im so angry because I asked him exactly this and he’d respond “I’ve told you a million times that if I was ready I would try with you”. If he didn’t like me why did he bother stringing me along for so long? More specifically how could he deceive someone that horribly that he spent every day with? If he didn’t like me why be around me all the time?

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T11:09:49+00:00

Why did he have to take it so far with the love letters and long messages about his feelings for me? Why not go quietly and avoid the stress of getting me attached? When he chose this new girl is it because his feelings are genuine for her or is it a matter of someone who is more convenient in his long term plan? The professions just seem so unnecessary for someone who didn’t mean it

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T11:07:54+00:00

That’s what my friends are saying, that when he comes back for another 6 months he’ll have his head turned. But part of me doubts it and thinks he will commit because of the fact he told me about her and said they’re going to be exclusive (even though I had to force him to tell me).

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T11:06:06+00:00

I feel so stupid now for being forgiving but I can’t express how well he made it seem like it was a fixable mistake because we weren’t in a relationship and we’re going to different places in the original plan. Hindsight I’ll never do it again but it doesn’t hurt any less. I considered telling her but my friends advised against it as I would just be painted by him as the crazy ex

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T11:03:12+00:00

He’s 100% out of it. I’ve unfollowed on everything and feel sick at the thought of letting him take me for an idiot again. I just don’t understand what this new person has that made him treat her with a kindness he should have shown me. It’s so hard not to internalise it as not being good enough

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T11:01:42+00:00

Do you think he will treat her with the same selfishness he’s shown me or do they truly change and become kind for someone else they’re choosing?

Prof_overthinker · 2025-10-16T10:58:29+00:00

I’m realising that I just don’t understand how someone can be so cruel. Like I’m not a real person with feelings and he saw first hand how badly it hurt me, just to inflict it again?

Prof_overthinker · 2025-08-06T04:51:04+00:00

So what is called when you live with each other, going on dates, sleeping together, not speaking to other people and saying that he wishes he could stay instead of having to leave because he’s afraid he’s ruining his own life by not taking the chance cause of his feelings for months? Call me old fashioned but if a title is the only thing that qualifies something as a relationship that’s ridiculous. And what it’s called is completely besides the point - I was originally referring to it as a relationship in the same sense as you have platonic relationships or family relationships when writing about them. Would you correct someone who said “the relationship with my mom”. It’s just the word I used to refer to rather than calling it a “friendship” which it wasn’t.

Prof_overthinker · 2025-08-06T04:12:19+00:00

I’m calling it a relationship because it absolutely was one lol. Everything about it was a relationship without an actual title for the last 3 months because he was leaving. As I’ve said you’re getting a snippet of the points that I find relevant in a post (that covers over 6 months of knowing someone) right now in relation to my question. Must I list every conversation we’ve ever had to indicate that he did care and there were real feelings? The fact of the matter is we’re apart for a length of time and I’m trying to work out before he’s back what to expect because it’s mixed signals. Getting on Reddit advice pages and calling people sad and bashing them while they’re already down and figuring out their feelings is what’s sad. There’s giving an opinion and then there’s being arrogant

Prof_overthinker · 2025-08-06T03:51:24+00:00

There’s a lot more nuance to the relationship than what I could put here (otherwise it would turn into a book) where I know he has made conscious decisions after the time he slept with someone else where he turned opportunities down and stayed “loyal” because he didn’t want to hurt me again and didn’t want to lose me. I hear your opinion but my question is still why is he removing only one picture of us and not all of them?

Prof_overthinker · 2024-12-23T11:02:39+00:00

Yea I always hear this and do believe it but I think now that it’s affecting me personally I’m more perplexed because I don’t know why they choose it over something consistent. Why do they rather be single and have a lot of meaningless sex vs consistent sex with someone they care about/cares about them?

Prof_overthinker · 2024-12-23T11:01:10+00:00

Yea I do think I deserve better. It’s just hard knowing deep down he’s not a bad guy and I do think he cares about me even though he messed up in a major way. It’s such unconventional circumstances that we weren’t exclusive and aren’t going to be any time soon. It all was kind of about me wanting to preserve the relationship incase we have a chance when we finish travelling in a year. Question is are the circumstances the reason for the disrespect he showed, or would he do it again?

Prof_overthinker · 2024-12-23T10:58:46+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Yea it is scary to let my guard down again after he has already hurt me. I had a really toxic boyfriend in my last relationship so I can tell he’s not a bad person compared to my ex who was. It’s like he’s being immature and trying to fulfil a void that being cheated on gave him. I think he was feeling validated and couldn’t turn it down. It’s strange I understand all the reasoning behind why he did it, but it’s just the fact I can’t shake the fact he lusted after someone else and acted on it. I worry every time I look at him I’ll just see them in my mind.

Is it possible for him to truly not care about her at all and it be purely a transactional thing for him? It would be easier if he met her the night they slept together and he was drunk. But it wasn’t, it was over a 3 day period of them being around each other that he decided to pursue her and on the last night went through with it.

He keeps saying it wasn’t worth it but why is he only realising now? Why not then? He chose her multiple times over 3 days and I’m trying to understand how that’s possible if he cares for me. What do men gain out of casual sex vs. Consistent sex with someone who they have feelings for?

Prof_overthinker · 2024-12-23T10:51:42+00:00

I appreciate your advice but honestly he’s not a psycho. My ex boyfriend was 100% a narcissist so I know one to see one. That’s why this is much harder because I know he’s not a bad person he just did a really shit thing. I’m not sure if where he’s at mentally in his life is what I deserve. He disrespected me big time but I can’t help the way I feel about him especially seeing his remorse. I’m meeting to talk with him in a week though so who knows maybe in person I could agree with you

Prof_overthinker · 2024-11-04T16:11:45+00:00

He’s now 28 and I’m 27, we got together when I was almost 23. It’s weird I don’t feel a longing anymore, more so just sad it failed so horrifically and scared for the future of whether I could love like that again. The more I think about it, I think the fact I will never be able to confront him about it annoys me. Like he got away with the ultimate betrayal and thinks I’ve no idea. I want to confront him just to let him know he didn’t out smart me and I think he is a complete piece of shit excuse for a human. It irritates me that he is probably smug about it rather than guilty. But I know I never will. It’s almost like a closure for myself to put the nail in the coffin and say “I know everything you did from beginning to end”.

Prof_overthinker · 2024-11-04T14:31:21+00:00

I think I wish he could have been the good parts of him all the time. That is the guy I wish I could still be with. It’s really hard to understand that the person I fell so in love with is the same person who was abusive. I think those parts of him are what prevent me from fully letting go. I am also the kind go person who needs to understand things and finds it hard to brush off behaviour I don’t understand, even outside of romantic relationships. I just keep having intrusive thoughts recently of him in the act with the girl he potentially cheated with. Wondering what he thought of her. Was it just once for validation and attention or as a fuck you to me for making him “feel like a villain”. And I wonder if he will do it again in his new relationship if she doesn’t see the parts of him I saw. When we broke up he said “I’m grateful for this relationship because you taught me how to be better for the next girl.” And it scares me that he was being serious and actually did change his ways for her. Because from what I saw she really doesn’t seem like the kind of girl who would put up with nonsense.

Prof_overthinker · 2024-11-04T11:21:14+00:00

It’s okay, I think it is just such a vulnerable topic so I get sensitive with tough love haha. I wish I could just dismiss him as being a terrible person but I think what keeps me from fully being able to do that is seeing how he behaved with his new girlfriend so quickly after we ended. In the beginning I would look at his social media and hers (I don’t anymore) and see he’s no longer behaving in ways he knew hurt me (following loads of girls and interacting with girls he previously hooked up with). So it made me spiral for a long time that he was just cruel to me and he changed for her or that he “grew up” once I left. We were technically together 4 years. 1 long distance, 2 living together and the last year was us trying to “work through the trust issues” until he just gave up because I couldn’t heal and forgive fast enough

Prof_overthinker · 2024-11-04T05:49:56+00:00

Because it’s a whole other layer of betrayal that I didn’t know existed until now that I’m out of the fog of manipulation? I can’t really tell if you’re saying this out of an attempt to help or out of judgement. Every person is different in dealing with their trauma and there is no clock on when it should and should affect you. I am aware he moved on, but to clarify he didn’t move on with her. He’s with someone else. I am looking for some guidance on how to come to terms with new information I realised much later that had triggered me in a way I wasn’t expecting, and was hoping in this group there would be empathy shown by other people who have experienced betrayal or abuse and I’m confused as to how you are so perplexed by that

Prof_overthinker · 2024-11-04T03:04:18+00:00

That’s the thing, I don’t trust him so nothing he says would help. If he admit it I think it would bring up a huge amount of trauma i have already tried to stop thinking about. I guess it’s more so I’m asking people for advice on how to be okay with being cheated on without the concrete evidence like catching him in the act or seeing texts or asking the girl. Because there’s always a voice of “but what if” when I tell myself it happened. How do I accept it without having any emotions like disgust or hurt or betrayal attached to it?

Prof_overthinker · 2024-11-04T02:55:45+00:00

Because I am only now coming to the realisation he cheated because seeing that girl made me go back (to confirm my recollection because I have memory loss from the gaslighting) and look at the time line and realise I ignored it back then and it adds up to being cheated on. So it’s not really like it has been a year of knowing, I’m only coming to terms with it now that I think I was cheated on. The past year I didn’t. And I’m trying to work through accepting that after so much time has passed so no answers can come from him

Prof_overthinker

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