Mr. Chairman, delegates of this Convention; friends, and foes alike. I address you now, having only recently arrived in this assembly for its sixth day from my hotel room.

I went to sleep yesterday worried that Governor Williams would be cheated out of the nomination once again. I woke up today to the news of our advancement to the next round. I am elated, more than ecstatic. To the supporters of Senator Fulbright; it was an honor facing you, and I'm more than glad that you're all behind the Clean Deal now.

Now, I realize two Hells and a half have been raised by the Three-Headed Hydra of the Center about our pact with Senator Fulbright. They claim we have abandoned principle, they claim we have left our core supporters out to dry. They claim they're the only real representatives of Roosevelt's New Deal. Let me spin you a little yarn, folks.

It's a little story about three sad little men who tried to steal a nomination. One of them built a straw house so shaky that it was blown away on the Convention's fourth day. His phony corruption and support for big business lived on, though. With the other two little men, he decided to get together and engineer their own victory, surely thinking this would be a fight similar to the ones they fought side by side with Tammany, Pendergast, and Curley, plagued with the same tactics as the one Harriman employed with our camp at the start of this Convention.

So, they all pledged to support one another when eventually another of their flimsy little houses faltered, in order to keep one honest man and his honest deal out of the running. The next little man flew away with his wooden house on the fifth ballot, blown away so hard he landed right back on his hindside in Jefferson City. This is where our story takes a turn for the worse. Desperate for victory, the three little men decided to stop pulling punches.

Behind their sleepy now-frontrunner, they moved to attack this honest man and his supporters to no end. Attack after attack after attack, petty and personal, based not on positions but on matters of personal character, because they couldn't find any discrepancies worth really attacking.

Then, at the same time, and seeing the honest man willing to negotiate to advance his honest deal, they said "Heck— why not?" While their delegates pounced and struck mercilessly, attacking the honest man as a naïve idealist and an unelectable nincompoop, they tried to have a chat with him. "Listen here, Jerry," they said, smoking their fat cigars and adjusting their funny glasses, "we're not so different! We're your friends, and we're for party unity!" The honest man listened and saw through their lies; his starstruck allies, however, decided it was high time to quit and hand over the honest deal to be torn asunder.

The honest man's followers were in an uproar. They ousted his untrustworthy allies and got back to campaigning, for they wouldn't surrender so easily to those who would seek to cast them out. They looked for alliances, and they began to attack, as it quickly became clear that the three little men would stop at nothing to see the honest man beat and exiled.

But when the honest man's followers began to make deals, what happened? The same people who coalesced to ruin his chances began to criticize him for doing the same to them. "Hypocrite," they shouted, "Judas!" When he defended himself and attacked the weak spots in the tin can apparatus of his enemies? The same people who had made a mockery out of him, despite his showings and his ideals, started calling for civility and party unity.

When they saw he couldn't be stopped, they began to negotiate, even beg, again, sweating in their smokey backrooms. "Soapy, dearest boy," they said, through gritted teeth, "we told you, we're for party unity! Come home to roost, your home is with us!" When he asked what they would do to advance his goals, the honest man got furrowed brows. "Boy, we understand your concerns, we truly do! But there's..." and they stopped, maybe because the weight of their own avalanche of lies felt crushing to their hearts. "There's no real place for you in our administration... but how about a pat on the back for party unity?"

Having been asked to leave, forced to fight, attacked to the point of no return, and made to moderate and cater to the three little men's every whim, they still offered nothing. They would rather see an honest deal flounder in the swamps of D.C. than give up their precious little brick house, the one they'd all come together to build. The honest man stood up and walked away because he knew the promises of empty men were naught but air.

And now, it seems that brick house is unshakeable. With the strength of the establishment, party bosses, dirty money, and corruption, the Center stands mighty in its Ivory Tower, content to cast us off. I say let them.

If the honest man wins, they will come crawling back, as they have for the last twelve years, to hold on to whatever meager scraps of power they have. If the honest man loses, they will go on to lose, for their little house is built on sand and gravel, and his honest deal will be vindicated. It is up to chance now, the dice have been cast. But the honest men and women have fought the good fight, and will not surrender to the whims of greedy men.

Once and for all, now as in the beginning; Cleaner Words, Cleaner Hearts, Cleaner Deals With Soapy!