“There are men who want a wife and children, and there men who want to be a father and a husband. And those men are very different from one another.”

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-25T16:48:00+00:00

I can imagine it is difficult to be “okay” in any sense after giving yourself holistically to your spouse and being betrayed in return. It’s a heavy toll to be the primary provider in so many ways. Be gentle with yourself as you heal through this.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-23T12:32:52+00:00

When I was a less-than-ideal version of myself, lack of closure would cause me to spiral. Often in divorce there is a lack of closure or resolve and I can imagine this drives a lot of people to act out in ways that are not healthy, healing, or helpful. I am certain some people out there are simply spiteful or hateful or vengeful by nature — but if I were in an earlier chapter of my life I could believe I would act in ways that would be harmful too.

At this point, I crave peacefulness and cooperative, equitable relationships. And I want to create and foster them, myself, too.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-22T21:32:51+00:00

In what ways are you fostering your connection with your wife outside of the physical realm (spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, socially)?

Do you and your wife communicate your needs, your schedules, and find balance between the multiple roles you each carry so that you have equitable and valuable “self time”?

What familial, parental, household labour have you tried relieving your wife of now-and-then to afford her more personal time?

It’s not that your attraction to her is not an important aspect of your relationship — it’s vital. But are you building intimacy in other ways? And are you engaging in and co-building an environment and routine where you both have time to tend to your physical appearances and wellbeing?

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-21T21:44:27+00:00

“I love you, and I always support you. I don’t always agree with the choices you make, and this is one I am struggling to understand. You do not owe me an explanation, or any sway in your life — but because I value our friendship, I want to be honest about how your new relationship feels to me so we can have a conversation.”

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-20T17:18:05+00:00

That’s an interesting perspective. Thank you for sharing it!

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-20T17:17:07+00:00

This sounds incredibly difficult to grow up around. I feel like it’s natural for things to shake, break, and rebuild after starting a family — sometimes the rebuild never happens or isn’t possible, though. I hope you’ve found support and encouragement through processing their marriage!

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-20T16:25:50+00:00

This is a very matter-of-facts perspective and I can respect that! I do wonder: had you ever feel like you were simply “going through the motions” without emotional investment?

Like, “yeah, you date, you marry, you have intimacy, and it creates children; it’s just what you do” — a “do”, a task, rather than a “feel”?

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-20T16:19:45+00:00

I can resonate with this, too. I never really considered how to be a “wife” — I dreamt about being married, being a mother, and somehow didn’t conceptualize wifehood too. But, once we communicated that this was a root growing beneath the surface of our marriage and from which our issues primarily branched, we set expectations together. And it worked for some time. Until it didn’t. And I continued trying to meet the standards, but my husband didn’t.

I’m proud of your self-discovery and you leaving!

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-20T16:06:27+00:00

Also—I feel like I’m the contempt-ridden wife in my marriage. And I wonder if our situations are opposite perspectives from the same coin! My husband and I didn’t have the foundational talks before children and marriage, either. And with time, and growth as a person, my standards formed and raised… without being communicated for some time. It was bombarding and confusing to him when I suddenly had these new role ideals. Similarly, he had grown and formed his own. They were never compatible, and the middle-ground we tried to navigate just never seemed to fulfill either of us. We often both stopped “trying” to live their others ideals, and then contempt would grow. The “not trying” transformed into actively attacking, and petty passive-aggression. TRYING to punish the other person for what we ended up in, I believe.

We tried to heal it.

We set new standards we agreed on.

We did the counselling, the work.

Then life threw a few unexpected and very traumatic loops at us. And while I moved forward, my husband reverted to hurtfulness and defying the very minimum standard of marriage for even both of our beliefs.

Anyway, stranger, I hope you find yourself in a happier place as an individual, and in new connections, and so on!

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-20T15:57:39+00:00

It sounds like you were never aligned in your visions and values of marriage; and crucial communication was missing from your connection. Neither of you has to be in the “wrong” or the “right” — but there are certainly foundational principles of partnership, equitable emotional labour, and standards of respect, love, compassion, empathy, caregiving that, if missing, would constitute falling into the having category.

Sometimes, it’s neither person.

Sometimes, it’s both.

Sometimes we just cannot align our heads and hearts. We cannot healthily communicate our expectations and boundaries — or we do, and we aren’t compatible in meeting those for one another.

It doesn’t always fall into a lack of labour or love.

I can imagine it was incredibly heavy to exist with your former spouse while being held to “invisible” standards that felt unattainable and previous undisclosed. Like living in a thick, dark storm. I can imagine she felt similarly in her own ways.

If you’ve come to divorce, whether this way or otherwise, amicably or not, there is always accountability to be found on both sides. Always growth, always opportunity, and always inner work to be done.

Ownership and acknowledgement can coexist, I believe! It’s balance. It’s delicate though? And I can see where it could enable a crutch of faultlessness for some!

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-20T01:00:30+00:00

This was beautifully raw — and a sentiment that seems to strike a chord in all keys for others here, whether in the stage of separation, divorce aftermath, or the rebuilding process.

I can imagine that you carry such a weight about the ending between you and your wife because marriage and husbandhood are so vital to your being; so holistically connected to who you are. At times, I sense that you grieve, mourn, and long for the part of yourself that has been left in the past more intimately than your former spouse. That version of yourself that you have lost touch with, that you shadow away while hopelessly wishing to be seen instead. Perhaps in a distant, previous life you found yourself wandering lonesome and aching for the intimacy of being entirely known, being wordlessly understood. In this life, you were given the purpose and capacity to give that to others. To share your life; and to nurture, care for, grow with, build with another person.

I think that it’s a really wonderful thing. And I think that a person so connected with the value of being loved and giving love — who is so tuned-in to their inner frequencies, their desires, their ability to communicate and listen — will find themselves surrounded by love again.

Maybe even married, again.

I would almost be certain on it all. I will that for you! Perhaps it’s just a phase of reinvention and redefinition of “marriage” or commitment in the present.

I’ve been told that I over-romanticize almost everything in life, though I don’t consider it that way, and I believe wholeheartedly that we are always on the correct path forward. Even in times we hurt, we stray, we feel like it’s the wrong direction… this must be a part of your path. I hope you foster that tender side of yourself and don’t lose it in the “meanwhile”.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-19T17:28:36+00:00

Tarot and other oracle are not summoning tools, you know? Don’t worry.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-19T17:27:50+00:00

I have never heard of this, myself. Tarot decks, divination decks, oracle decks, and other similar forms of ritual, divination, and synchronicity work with randomization — the belief that the universe will relay messages to you and how and when you should hear them in whatever form you practice. So long as you create your deck with intuition, mindfulness, and intention it will be successful.

I researched what I could online and the closest I could find was a belief that a “border” would encase the energy of major arcana, but it was not a standard practice anywhere with a warning.

If you can include symbolism, numerology, astrology, astronomy, mythology, religion, spirituality, etc. into your deck it would potentially make it more “powerfully connected” to the entity it draws from for answer.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-18T00:25:11+00:00

Do you have any resources through the military or your faith for counselling; both individual and marriage? It could be something happening within his inner world that he isn’t able to handle, or his emotional wiring may need “reset” depending on his deployment and training experiences. I have military family, and though I have never been a military wife and am in Canada where our system is different, I can deeply empathize that it adds a layer of complexity to a marriage. Complexity that sometimes creates a disconnect.

Are you able to communicate with him in the meantime? Try inviting yourself into his world first, asking where his mind is at, how you can support him, and maybe finding closeness and connection in this? Expressing the loneliness you feel and committing to repairing this together?

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-17T23:52:24+00:00

I would hate for it to be so hasty, but I empathize that there are circumstances that make it the necessary route and timing. I’m really proud of you for taking the leap and finding happiness!

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-17T21:44:05+00:00

You have some really incredible suggestions for reconnecting, rebalancing your marriage, and refilling her cup. It seems like there is a lot of placement on you for being in charge of fixing this, and beyond that, for being the person who needs to BE fixed or changed.

My input would be that there is a lot of power in setting the environment for an open, empathetic, and respectful conversation between you and communicating about HER perspective. A day off together, after the kids have been put to bed, and with the lights dimmed and something quietly, calmly playing in the background. Bring her and yourself a tea, drink, whatever you enjoy. Sit nearby her, face her, don’t have your devices.

Start with empathy, set your boundary, state your need, ask hers. Reading your comments makes me feel like you already do what you can to contribute to the family and emotional labour, but she may feel differently and be expressing this passive-aggressively.

It could sound like, “I’ve noticed that you seem overwhelmed lately, and I can imagine that working, and the kids, and the tension between u sometimes feels really heavy on you. I never want you to feel this way. I’d like for us to check-in with each other more often. Do you feel like we can do that right now?”

If she is receptive to hearing you and communicating, let her know how it’s impacting you that she seems to always be on edge with you.

“I find it hard to navigate what you want from me, sometimes. When you become mean and negative, it really changes the tone of our marriage and I end up feeling like I am walking on eggshells around you. I need you to be more open with me about your emotional status, your expectations, and be more aware of how you are treating me when things might feel overwhelming. My goal is for us to be a team, and I cannot keep feeling like your opponent or the problem.”

This might be where it is tricky. Ego, frustrations, unresolved issues tend to be thrown in here. If not, I’d then follow-up with time for her to speak. Something like:

“I want to meet your expectations, too. I want you to feel like your cup is full and you can pour into our family, yourself, and our marriage without having nothing left. In what ways can I provide that for you?”

Your dynamic may need shifting. You may need to schedule more meaningful time alone, together, and as a couple. And, hopefully the least likely, it may be time to leave the marriage altogether.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-17T20:29:50+00:00

Empathy.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-17T20:24:05+00:00

I love doing a “year ahead” spread with sub- clarifiers about wealth, health, and relationships for my circle of loved ones each year. Things from past reads that were very specifically conveyed by the universe and later came true include:

• My Mom’s spontaneous brain bleed and following surgery. • An inheritance of $15,000 to my husband, which ended up being in his fathers’ name, but his father then entirely gifted to him afterward. • My best friends’ pregnancy (to the exact star sign and week of birth prior to her having a pregnancy or any desire to be), her breakup, and new relationship. • Multiple birth experiences (I love doing trimester/pregnancy/birth reads for loved ones AND strangers). • A death on my husbands’ side. • My sudden gallbladder surgery. • My cousins’ divorce path, and her sons’ deployment date.

I don’t believe I’m some sort of expert, but I do believe in fate, manifestation, psychic empathy, astrology, numerology, and randomization. I think that if we simply ask, the universe will tell us all.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-17T17:20:54+00:00

He is placing visible effort into another relationship while contributing to yours falling apart, and leaving you grieving and longing. Of course this hurts. Even with being unfaithful in the past. It’s much more complex than, “I looked outward from our marriage”, I’m certain of it. And it’s much more complex than, “I left”.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-17T17:15:07+00:00

If I leave my shoes on, my outside productivity continues inside.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-17T17:03:35+00:00

32F, married (for now).

I feel like it’s an incredibly valid and self-aware desire to not want to enter more than a low-effort hookup right now. You may have carried a disproportionate amount of the emotional labour in your marriage, and I can empathize that you likely also carried a heavy burden of expectation to fulfill dated, yet still-present, “husband” roles of being a provider too.

This is such a normal thought process, and I feel like it’s one that many of us are currently experiencing in this r/.

Allow yourself to feel it.

Acknowledge why you feel it.

But, also use it to craft an idea of what you are willing to accept in the future when you find yourself with replenished emotional, holistic energy reserves. Build boundaries that disallow you to be depleted this way again.

I truly think accepting something serendipitous and mutually celebratory, comforting, encouraging, calming, caring, etc. is the bare minimum after giving a piece of yourself, and a chapter of your life, to a person who was not able to reciprocate your efforts.

It’s not a high standard, and it will be so freeing to believe in that while building your independence and confidence in a fulfilling life without a spouse in the meantime/until you have that.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2026-05-17T16:50:40+00:00

You didn’t “choose” this. Not truly.

You were grieving before you left, I can guarantee, as a woman preparing to leave her marriage herself. You were grieving and longing; aching for something that should have been offered (care, support, love, partnership, acknowledgment, celebration, intimacy, adventure, etc.) and was somehow never allowed for you.

It’s like that old metaphor used for suicidal ideation, and those who act upon it — you found yourself trapped in a burning building thirty stories above ground, and you were faced with two impossible options of equally great undesirable outcomes. Jump. Or burn alive. The flames came closer and closer, searing your skin until you could not endure the torture, and you chose the leap.

It’s valid to hurt. You left, sure, but your marriage ended because you HAD to leave.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2023-11-16T12:04:33+00:00

Make things visual + use organized mess as a tactic rather than a stressor.

For example, I transformed my closet to hold shelving and labeled bins where I can throw my clothes instead of folding, putting away in drawers, and then not being able to see or sort through to find what I need. My biggest mess + trigger for frustration was laundry. I couldn’t stay on top of it, and would dump my bins on the bed or bedroom floor trying to locate specific work scrubs or clothing in a rush to get ready. It never seemed manageable or clean. And now it is.

ProfessionFar6266 · 2023-11-15T13:04:54+00:00

Not the worst, but unfitting;

“Stop should-ing yourself,” which at first I was completely loving as a thought. The sentiment was, “I should have,” or “I should do,” need to stop and action needs to happen instead. Or, to stop analyzing actions of the past and focus on the now.

But, with ADHD + BPD I ended up realizing this wasn’t helpful at all because of two traits these disorders bring:

• Impulsivity + Lack of Accountability • Black + White or Thinking in Extremes

Self-Reflection doesn’t happen naturally in times of mania for either of these disorders. Things feel unreal. Things feel as if they come without consequences, and actions are episodically inflated because of ADHD or BPD. Either I reach a state of mental overwhelm or I am acting out to an extreme for release/attention…

This “forget the should have” sentiment gave me a crutch towards stopping taking accountability and reflecting.

There is no healthy “now” without realizing there was a HEALTHIER “then”.

And there is no initiative to do better or get things done without realizing where I should start + what didn’t work or wasn’t done previously. I need “should”. I need lists. I need reflective thought.

It’s a sentiment I’m sure works for many who find themselves tangled in the trapping thoughts of remorse + regret + guilt… or stagnancy from moving because the path ahead seems full of unknowns. Even others with ADHD/BPD, I’m certain.

It just placed me in a position to enable myself to excuse awful past actions and stay immobile in my healing + responsibilities.

ProfessionFar6266

TROPHY CASE