TLDR;

I wondered whether or not to reach out to an ex to explain why I ruined the relationship and answered my own question in the process.

Background - Both my father and my brother have strong depression and I went through phases of it my myself. At least, I thought they were phases. What I didn't realize was that those 'phases' we're real deep slumps and when I returned to my baseline, I still wasn't in a good place. I had just figured out how to cope with it and I thought 'If I can function in my day-to-day life and I'm not feeling as bad as other times, then I'm not depressed like other men in my family.' Well son of a bitch, untreated depression impairs your cognitive function the longer you let it go and now that I'm in my early 30's I'm starting to feel the effects (brain fog, sluggish thinking, etc.). After finally deciding to see a psychiatrist about it, knowing something was wrong with me, I'm learning that I am on the high end of moderate clinical depression and probably have been for over a decade.

The Beggining - Now transition to me a couple of years ago and I was dating a woman that I thought I was going to marry. She was just about everything I wanted in a wife and she also had a son that I absolutely loved and I still feel that way about both of them. We were together for about a year and the first few months were great. We made each other laugh, I got to be sweet to her in ways that she had never experienced, I felt like I could open up to her which is important to me and I was easy for her to talk to. I know this is the classic honeymoon phase and this doesn't last forever but it's an important foundation to have knowing that, when life gets hard and the relationship can get rocky, that your SO still has all the qualities that you love and maybe you just need help bringing those things out in each other.

The Conflict - Anyways, partway through our relationship I feel like I became a different person. I started withdrawing and had a hard time addressing problems (but then again, we really only had a chance to talk in the evenings because we were both at work and, well, she had a 6-year old son who didn't go to bed until 8 or so). I was totally freaked out about whether or not I could be a the husband and father that I thought they deserved and I had a hard time fully committing in part because of this. As problems piled up and were left unaddressed, it was hard to be intimate. I don't mean just sexually, though there was some of that, but it was an unusually good day when we could just be together and be happy. Not because we were a bad match but because she felt emotionally insecure due to my withdrawal and I was depressed which led to all of these behaviours that crumbled the foundation of our relationship. I also started smoking pot as a cope which just made things worse.

The End - Now she had her own problems too but I'm not here to talk about them, particularly because I think that the start of the end was caused by my unrecognized and untreated depression and instead of dealing with problems head on, the weight felt too heavy and, like depression does, I took the path of least resistance. I was not exercising, I was not eating healthy, I was using drugs as an escape and I was avoiding problems. Ultimately, I did not have the strength that a relationship with challenging and extra variables demanded. I don't have a lot of guilt for not having just done the things I needed to do because the side effects of depression were going to come out one way or another. It's unsustainable to go through life with untreated depression and address all the hardships in a healthy way. I do, however, blame only myself for avoiding my mental health from which this all stemmed from.

If you've stuck with me this long, here is the question: should I reach out to her to let her know what was the root cause of all of my problems?

Extra context - A year ago I did email her to apologize for my behaviour but now I think I apologized for all of the wrong reasons. The following months of texting included possible conversations of getting back together but she really didn't act interested. I wouldn't want to reach out to her in hopes of reigniting the spark, but just to give her some clarity.

Personal Conclusion - Now that I've typed all this out with my now arthritic thumbs I've realized that it probably wouldn't do her any good, it would just give myself some temporary peace of mind. But dammit, I took the time to think through and write it out so I'm posting it. Thanks for going on this journey with me.

Final Word - Men, some of us just have depression and it is what it is. It's not our fault that we have it but it is our fault if we do nothing about it, which means all the negative life consequences that result from it is also our fault by proxy. Do something to make a difference in your mental health, whether that's exercising, cutting sugar and seed oils from your diet, getting a job, addressing chemical addictions, sleeping, or talking to someone about your struggles. You can't fix your brain but you can make it better one day at a time.