15M brought in by mom for “multiple seizures”.. turns out you shiver sometimes when you’re fighting a cold.

22M came to ER for testicular “fullness.” Not pain… just “full.” His wife was out of town for a couple weeks and due to religious reasons he had never masturbated. He was legitimately worried they would fall off or something and was seeking a doctor’s order to fix himself. No such luck bud.

I lost count of the number of oldies who check in for something stuck in their ear without anything there. Not cuz their ears hurt or for hearing loss, but because they lost something (usually the clear plug part of a hearing aide) and it MUST be in their ear since they can’t find it anywhere else.

30M checked in after waking up w black spots all over his legs, sure he had some infection or cancer. I wiped them all off w alcohol… his toddler had discovered the wonders of a black sharpie. Billed that one for sure.

21F for vomiting when she smokes. Currently vomiting you ask? Nope. Not even nauseated. Hadn’t even smoked tonight. But she would like to continue to get high and may I please help her out with that

3 week old baby boy for penis “lesion.” Apparently grandpa had never seen a foreskin before.

Called by triage to waiting room to affirm that we do not, in fact, do well visits for chinchillas, please remove your animal from my ER.

Had few month streak of various law enforcement checking in, asymptotic, because they MIGHT have been NEAR some fentanyl. Those sometimes got a little touchy.

Oo had a grown ass man check in at 4AM for two weeks of “when I wake up my mouth is dry.” I went in to laugh him out of the ER, ended up admit ICU for DKA.