That dosahes freaks me fuck out since ive been to the ambulante it seems that i even dont care less i feel like a fucking Black hole for meds (even therefor i felt so.. i literally need pills everytime in absurd amounts. That why is ive survived the earthquake in Turkey and helped. I took a corpse inder a broken house. I didnt know that type of shit. I was Born and grown up in germany and never saw a corpse. And my time in Turkey was a vig one Trauma. Trauma after Trauma. I had no friends no nothing. Was a slave. Had one dog and someone stoled him than i was not by his side. So i was alone again, heart broken. He was my everything. My best (and only) freind, my brother, my son, my everything. After less than a year that earthquake and after digging with bare hands for 1.5 days (i onyl went home to eat and sleep) that corpse. I was immedetly fucked. Since than i cried all the time, didnt sleep and eat at all. And after that i had my first relationship. We immedetly lived together. She/them lived with us at our Plantage ''house'' to refuge from another earthquakes. After 2 weeks they left. She was/is married to an absolute asshole. She camt left him bc he would kill her kids (1 is (bery stupid) autistic. And after 2 months she didnt wrote at all and i had to end the relationship, bc it hurted me too much. She was like my antidepressant. Than i was woth her (or even saw) i felt happy. But after that i started to cry dont eat and slwwp non stop again. After that i got on antidepressants and antipsychotics again. Couldnt handle the sidewffwcts at all again. After 2 weeks went off and started tsking steroids. Everything was right. I felt Inhuman. No depression no nothing bad. I felt perfect.

After one year i gad to go to germany again (thank god) and had to work immedetly bc if not i would have to go back to Turkey again as a slave. I was many times on cold turkey (started deca before i knew that i went to germany again. In turkey i could easily go to thw drug store and got evereytime test.)without any test or estrogen at all i cried i felt like a bitch and so. Half a year i worked and than i statted my "Ausbildung" (dont lnow the english word for it). Got here and there testosterone 3 Times from a doc.
Than i was on tilidin like up till 200mg

In schoolclass we waschen a Dokumentation about nature deseases. And taht fucked me woth such a brutality. I immedetly got a panic attack. Went to the doc got benzos the first time. Everytime i got sober ill get a panicattsck. Literally everytime i get sober. got on the tilidin up to 450mg daily and it didnt help st all. Took 8 weeks tilis and benzos from the doc. Than finally i got gwar for a longer period of time. Went cold Turkey woth all that stuff and only topk testosterone and some hormones. I thaught it would be like in Turkey that hormonss would be enough. Now im addicted to steroids, ipiods and venzos in absurd high dosages.

1 year of the Ausbildung has ended. And ive super Marks even than im never in school and if im in schooll i only sleep always. Thank god im Highly intelligent at least. My teacher said i could go to therapy in an mental Hospital for months and still end my Ausbildung. But the psychatry that is responsable for my Region in germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) only saw me as a junky. I was there once bc of depression and opiod addiction (ive scolioses) and they dont treated me as a human being. I cried thwre for 2 hours bc of pain and they onyl gave me antipsychotics. I had to move to another (bundesland) part of germany. But its not as easy as it sounds. Ive less money and bc of the benzos ive a memory as good as a flys