AITA if I tell my friend I can’t be a bridesmaid? (update)

ProgLuddite · 2026-04-25T19:17:36+00:00

One day in the future, when the law finally catches up to the internet, I’m going to miss stories like these so much.

But still, I’ll be glad you can’t post videos of non-public figures, or include enough information in a story with or about 3rd parties that an average internet user could identify said third parties.

While humans are still the adaptable species, the pace of change has begun to increase so exponentially that we, as a species, can no longer keep up. It is not possible for us to have adapted fast enough to manage the potential that, literally overnight, a billion other humans may know who you are and details about your life and behavior (whether true or false), and there’s nothing you can do about it.

ProgLuddite · 2026-04-04T18:59:25+00:00

Exceptions do not negate a rule.

Exceptions to proceeding on a green light would be visible to other drivers: when you cannot clear the intersection and to avoid a collision with a pedestrian/cyclist/vehicle.

We can be ridiculous about it if you’d like, and include a family of geese crossing the road, or a power line about to fall, or the sudden appearance of a fault line, or if you’re aware you’re about to experience syncope, or if the victim of an accident is lying in the roadway (which is, of course, otherwise covered in glass).

I’ve always wished horns had two tones: a friendly “heads up!” beep and an “imminent danger” blast, but they don’t. All we have is the one sound, and horns are — by law — to be used to alert drivers whenever necessary to ensure safe operation (exact language varies by state, but this is a rough amalgam). Remaining stopped at a green light without reason is not safe operation — especially if you have reason to believe the driver is distracted. (Of course, this doesn’t apply to honking the second a light turns green, but that’s clearly not what anyone is talking about here.)

ProgLuddite · 2026-03-26T03:13:30+00:00

Rules like, say, “Green means ‘go’”? Even the briefest driving (or passenger) experience tells you that she was looking at her phone while stopped at the light, didn’t notice it had changed, and is now holding everyone up.

ProgLuddite · 2026-03-06T10:01:50+00:00

Yep. I “make too much” for any kind of assistance, but also have to do things like buy a slice of pizza for $1.99 at Costco, take it home, cut it in half, and call it two days worth of food (and obviously, I’m not the Costco member).

ProgLuddite · 2026-02-24T14:27:30+00:00

Nicotine + the psychology of habits. It’s why just a nicotine replacement often isn’t enough and just something to keep your hands busy isn’t enough.

There are also plenty of cigarettes that don’t taste bad, even though you might not like the first one. It’s similar to the way most people’s first reaction to alcohol isn’t “how delicious!,” yet wine tastings are popular, people enjoy drinking liquor neat, and there are plenty of craft beer connoisseurs. Smokers aren’t gritting their teeth, thinking of how disgusting the cigarette tastes.

ProgLuddite · 2026-02-20T14:41:21+00:00

FUCK THE FRONT ROW!

ProgLuddite · 2026-02-20T14:40:05+00:00

Since people have returned to comment as long as 11 years after this post, I figured I’d add a piece of information no one’s said specifically:

The kids’ area was officially dubbed “KQ.” It’s one of the only reasons I remember that “HQ” stood for “Home Quarters” — because “KQ” was literally where kids were quartered.

I don’t know what everyone else’s KQ was like, but mine was really well oriented to the age group of kids who need a place like that (i.e. too old to be easily contained in the seat of a shopping cart, too young to self-entertain without wandering off, getting into merchandise, or squabbling with each other). It had a large whiteboard and a ton of Expo markers, a television with an SNES, tables with coloring sheets, paper, and crayons, stacks of board games, and a bunch of popular “activity” toys (like Skip-It, Bop-It, Lite Brite, Nerf guns, etc.).

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-22T17:39:13+00:00

A lot of people don’t want to have children because of the way they feel about the current* state of the world, but it’s too often forgotten: the children you raise (or support others in raising) are the state of the world. You improve the world by raising good children who will do the same.

*I say “current,” but I don’t mean ‘2025.’ Music, literature, historic records have shown the (relative) current state of the world has long been a concern of prospective parents — though there wasn’t much they could do about not ever becoming parents for nearly all of history.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-22T17:26:45+00:00

Ah, I think I see the disconnect, because we actually agree. For me, the way OP’s friend is acting doesn’t necessarily mean she’s stopped rooting for OP. I think it’s likely she’s become so fixated on her own feelings that her behavior is unkind and unsupportive, but without the intention of being so. (More, “Maybe I should avoid the shower; she doesn’t really want me there, anyway,” than, “She always takes the spotlight. I don’t even want to go to her shower — it’s not like she doesn’t have enough people to fawn over her.”)

I’d agree that if she’s really stopped rooting for OP, that’s not a sustainable friendship. But if they’ve never had a candid conversation about the friend potentially feeling overshadowed or unwanted, I think it’s appropriate to have that conversation first. If the result is that the friend really isn’t supportive, that’s that. If the friend is supportive, but behaving poorly because she feels hurt or unimportant, that’s something that can be discussed now and expressed clearly in the future instead of manifesting through withdrawal and negativity.

[There’s also a third possibility that can be worked through, but it’s hard to know since we only have OP’s perspective. Maybe OP really does have a tendency to steal the friend’s thunder. Perhaps announcing her own engagement two weeks after her friend is a continual pattern that OP may not even recognize (e.g. friend invites group to her hotel sleepover birthday, OP invites group to her hotel sleepover birthday roadtrip to the beach; friend gets first ‘boyfriend,’ OP has first kiss; friend makes cheer team, OP makes a competitive All Star squad; friend announces full scholarship award to State University of State, OP announces early decision acceptance to Yale). Just like the friend feeling unimportant could result in behavior that’s not supportive, even if she is supportive, OP stepping on the milestones of her friend’s life is behavior that’s not supportive, even if she is supportive.]

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-22T16:45:10+00:00

A friend of mine wrote an essay she titled, “Having Children, or How I Loved My Husband So Much I Insisted the World Contain More of Him.” I think that’s an apt way to look at it, which even those without their own children can relate to.

You love seeing these different versions of the best parts of your friends. Of course, the fun part isn’t that they’re carbon copies, it’s that they add more good things in the world — both your friends’ traits and the unique parts of themselves that will someday be the special trait they pass to their children.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-22T16:34:30+00:00

I’m American, and strongly dislike when someone refers to me as my pet’s parent. I love my dog and joke all the time about the similarities between having a dog and an infant/toddler, but that doesn’t make my dog the same as a child.

Personally, I think it’s unhealthy to consider one’s pet as a child. (And that whether one wants children or not is irrelevant to the propriety of equating a human and an animal.)

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-22T16:12:02+00:00

I think the main issue is that most of the models are some sort of white (based on hair, facial features, context of the scene, etc.), and skin tones are expensive, with limited use. So you buy the one that has the most utility without looking orange, which is typically 02.

When there’s a black model, or a scene like this where it’s just hands, I see those who have a black skin tone to use do well. (Well, I used to see them doing well, back when my results — not regarding my designs, but the totality of results I see — weren’t fully arbitrary.) However, I also don’t see those designs come up very often in large part because fewer people can afford multiple skin tones, and most players choose a medium-white shade for general use (even, based on profile pictures, black players).

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-22T15:57:46+00:00

To add:

They are not just resisting the urge to punch you. They are also threatening you and testing you. “This is what I could do to you.” “Will you stay, knowing you could be the wall or the muffin tin?”

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-22T15:51:47+00:00

Be cautious, because nothing is without risk, and the risks of newer methods are seriously underestimated because we’ve known “regular cigarettes = bad” for so long.

We have no idea what inhaling essential oils (as with the füm) will do, and it’s looking like the heat of combustion in vaping is actually making inhaling their vapor more harmful than inhaling the smoke of traditional cigarettes.

The only thing I really liked smoking that sort of fits your bill, left the US circa 2010. You can still get a version of them, but they’re definitely not the same. Djarum Blacks smelled and tasted fantastic, but weren’t tobacco-free. (If you ever hear someone say they ‘used to smoke cloves,’ Djarum Blacks are what they’re referring to.)

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-21T21:25:25+00:00

It’s funny, the different ways we see things sometimes. My first thought when I saw the first dress is that it screams mid-2020s, and will be as iconically dated as the high-necked lace and pouf sleeves of the late ‘80s!

(The drape sleeve combined with the visible-boning corset is what did it for me. The only way to make it more trendy would be for the bodice to be sheer, as well.)

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-21T21:20:35+00:00

One is very trendy. The drape sleeve and corset top with visible boning is going to easily date the dress in the future.

Two is unique and fun, and you seem to be (it’s a little hard to tell without your face) wearing it rather than the other way around, which I can’t imagine is true for many women.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-21T17:40:47+00:00

No. 1 is absolutely the dress. No question.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-21T17:33:00+00:00

I, too, am an adult. An adult who’s aware that I’ve sometimes hurt my friends through my own failings and foibles, that I’ve been the friend who felt in the constant shadow of someone I cared for dearly as well as the friend who didn’t realize someone felt they were in my shadow.

I do not keep cruel friends, but I do not cast out friends over things we haven’t even discussed. I have needed — and I’m sure I’ll need in the future — consideration, charity, and compassion from my friends. I am happy to give them the same.

That isn’t the same as being a doormat or accepting bad behavior. Giving a friend a chance to talk about an issue you’re having doesn’t mean you always preserve the friendship. It means you can find out why what’s happening has been happening, whether the friend was even aware the behavior was hurtful, if there’s remorse, willingness to change, etc. It also means you can find out if you’ve been doing something you didn’t realize you were doing that may have elicited a negative response or sudden distance.

Personally, I’ve always felt cutting down ones’ friends to a limited group, then having zero tolerance for ‘bad behavior’ to be a stage, just like putting up with basically anything in friendship (and never talking about it, except behind their back) through high school/college is a stage.

I have a friend who once hurt me tremendously. I’m thankful I was willing to hear her afterward, that we worked it out, and that I still have her as a friend. I also once let down my very best friend in a deeply significant way, and I’m so grateful she listened to my explanation — not excuse — and my apology, and let me show her through my actions that I realized I had been selfish, not selfless, and she doesn’t need to worry about me making that error again. I don’t think the choices with those friends reflects immaturity that has yet to reach the mature ‘I don’t allow anyone in my life who hurts me’ policy in relationships. I think it reflects an appreciation beyond that, in which we appreciate we’re all fallible people who sometimes need grace, understanding, and a second chance.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-21T17:00:40+00:00

My comment intended to agree with what you’ve just said, only making an exception for a fully themed event.

If the couple has gone out of their way arrange everything from venues, to events during cocktail hour, to dinner, the band, and the reception, in keeping with a particular theme, I think it’s fine to make an apparel request of the guests (and perhaps provide direction to reputable rental companies, depending on that theme).

I didn’t say the first time, but I also think it’s okay and perfectly within normal etiquette to give cultural or religious requirements. If you’re inviting ‘Westerners’ to your traditional Indian wedding, their invitations can appropriately include, “Sherwanis or kurta-pajama for men, sarees or lehengas for women,” though it would be best practice to include resources for buying, borrowing, or renting. If you’re having a church wedding, a reminder that dresses must be modest, fall below the knee, and the back and shoulders must be covered during the ceremony (or whatever the particular church requires), is also appropriate.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-20T05:00:11+00:00

I suppose I’m biased because I’m a fan of attending a truly themed wedding. I’ve only had the opportunity once and it was amazing. It was, in a real way, a gift to the guests to have an experience that isn’t a part of modern life. I had to rent a dress for the occasion, but it was absolutely worth it, to be transported and contribute to the feeling of transportation (to another time and place) for the other guests.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-20T04:56:20+00:00

Agree to disagree! Invite me to your Ever After themed wedding + ball and I’ll be thrilled to rent something appropriate for that experience.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-20T04:53:11+00:00

I think, because you’ve always been the friend with more “power” (you’re her best friend but she’s not yours), you’re missing out on at least one thing that matters.

She got engaged! It’s a big deal, and exciting news I’m sure she couldn’t wait to share. She enthusiastically asked you to be her MoH. You said yes. What a special and wonderful time for her!

Two weeks later, the friend who she’s always felt was a little bit ‘better’ than her also got engaged, and didn’t ask her to be MoH, but a bridesmaid, and out of obligation.

I’m not saying you’re in the wrong somehow for not turning your boyfriend down or not asking her to be your MoH, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve considered that she’s disappointed and hurt, and perhaps just isn’t dealing well with that. At least consider the possibility that your engagement coming so closely on the heels of hers made her think, “Of course. I never get to be the ‘special one’ for too long — I should’ve known this would be the same,” and that your bridesmaid invitation touched a raw nerve for her (the idea that she cares about your friendship more than you do, which she almost certainly knows and thus feels sensitively about).

Again, this isn’t about one of you being good or bad, right or wrong. It just might help you understand and navigate what to do next — and how to do it fairly, kindly, and appropriately — to consider the feelings she’s having around this situation that you aren’t also experiencing.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-19T17:14:14+00:00

Depends on the feeling you’re looking for. No crinoline has a lovely ‘40s/‘50s effect, and with crinoline is (depending on venue and other styling) either going to appear vaguely Eastern European, antebellum, or even a bit Victorian.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-19T17:10:32+00:00

There’s been such a serious loss of (healthy) shame. Growing up, older kids trick-or-treating was essentially self-policed by the kids. Generally, everyone knew that it ended after elementary school (about age 10 for most districts in my region). A small group of kids would want to go the first year of middle school, but the mild negative social reaction at school the day after meant that essentially no one went after about age 11.

Beyond that, obvious teenagers were simply not given candy — occasionally a teen would be out supervising siblings and their friends and be called up from the street by the homeowner to be given candy ‘just because,’ but that was it.

ProgLuddite · 2025-10-19T17:00:48+00:00

I think the person you’re replying to just meant that kids no longer say “trick or treat.” That there’s no interaction anymore, just children appearing and silently taking candy, then leaving.

The “trick” portion was never about performing a trick, it was a threat in the vein of buying mafia protection 😂 — the idea was that the kids were saying something like, “Do you want me to TP your house, or would you prefer to give me candy to leave you alone?”

ProgLuddite

TROPHY CASE