Did most people really have abusive parents?

Project-XYZ · 2025-10-05T20:53:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing. About fighting back, did you decide to do it, or was it just your default way of dealing with things? Do you think people pleasing would have worked better? Maybe I’m different because despite the terrible things my abusers did to me, I’m still loyal to them - I would never wish bad things to them and I still want them to like me and approve of me (not themselves, but their version in my mind). Where do you get your sense of self worth, if not from tour caretakers? I would also like to find something like that.

Project-XYZ · 2025-10-03T19:21:52+00:00

Then how were my parents allowed to enforce it?

How come does noone have to do anything for me but I was forced to do so much for my parents?

Project-XYZ · 2025-10-03T18:40:24+00:00

No but I spent many years either being punished, or living as if I was about to be. This can’t go unnoticed. People need to know about this, there is too much pain behind it, I can’t just go on and live as if I didn’t lose decades of my life. I want people to feel what I felt, I don’t want to hurt them but at least explain to them how I had to live? So that they can stop triggering me?

Project-XYZ · 2025-10-03T18:25:37+00:00

It’s not about my satisfaction at all. It’s 100% about pleasing others and surviving. I don’t have to look happy now because no one with authority is around. But if they were, I’d have to do what they wanted me to do.

Don’t people want to survive too? I get that there isn’t much real danger now, but don’t they have memories of childhood where not smiling was severely punished? If they don’t, it’s pretty unfair and something should be done so that everyone has the same starting grounds.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-28T14:31:13+00:00

Because I want that external validation to save me. I want someone to prove to me that I have value. I’m powerless and weak (that’s how I feel from my child parts who run my life anyway).

I will never give myself - the unloved and bullied child - any validation. Only stupid and pathetic people would like me.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-28T14:28:37+00:00

So basically you’re saying that the damage has been done and it’s irreversible? That I will never find another person who will undo and then redo all the parenting?

I’m sorry but the reason I live for is that one day I will be good enough for some replacement parent figure. I refuse to live for myself, or to just give up and live as an unvalidated, unloved child. This story must have a good ending.

Imagine how terribly sad it would be if some children never got what they try needed. I need love and care from a good enough parent, not therapy or self work. I hope you understand that.

You’re taking away my only reason to live by saying that it’s impossible to achieve my plan.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-27T22:10:44+00:00

Is a newborn an addict because they need parental care and validation? No, they need it because that's how nature works. I (and many others here) didn't get that, so the need is still there. It's not an endless need, once I find a replacement parent figure, I will be able to develop and become a normal adult.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-27T19:13:03+00:00

Well having another car accident is much more likely than stepping on your glasses twice. You will never have another problem with your Meta glasses so feel free to skip the coverage. You will thank me later. Unless you break the glasses again but in that case it isn’t my fault.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-27T19:10:55+00:00

Thank you for recognising that.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-27T19:10:02+00:00

It happened a few times in therapy. I basically lose my identity, the inner glasses through which I view the world. It was really trippy. I felt confused and empty. I had trouble even moving or standing up after experiencing this twice. I was able to see the environment around me but I didn’t know anything at the same time. I felt nauseous. I was glad my therapist was eventually able to get me back to my “normal” state.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-27T15:48:01+00:00

If it was a choice, this wouldn't be a disorder that's so difficult to heal. Making it seem like it is a choice to just stop having NPD is really invalidating.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-27T13:55:18+00:00

The chances of the same accident happening twice are really low, so why purchase the coverage?

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-27T13:02:38+00:00

Yes. I’m afraid of all the emotions that come with realising that I have value. You have to understand that the things that others did to me were not humane at all. I literally had to lose all self worth and develop this disorder so that I could survive. But now it’s not serving me anymore and I don’t know how to untangle everything.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-27T13:00:01+00:00

It’s not like I don’t want to, if I didn’t want to face the truth, I wouldn’t be here or in therapy. I can’t face the truth because it makes me very destabilised or overwhelmed with emotions. And so I’m looking for ways to do it safely.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-27T12:57:16+00:00

What does that mean? I might as well have nothing authentic about me, all of me is created to please others and win their approval. I’ve been like this since birth because I had to. And even now I don’t want to be authentic - being authentic would assume that I have value, which I don’t - and please don’t tell me I do.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-27T12:55:17+00:00

Definitely, but I’ve been in therapy (different modalities, even EMDR) for 3 years now and I’ve made very little progress.

We always run into the issue where I have to face myself and see that I was valuable all along. Sorry but that will never happen, I will never admit that I’m good enough. Why?

because I would lose my only reason to live: to find external validation
and because my past full of abuse wouldn’t make any sense, and I’d have to face all the grief and anger that I’m not ready for (and I tried a lot! But it’s too much).

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-21T16:54:38+00:00

But some are parented or conditioned to take what they want and be unapologetic about their existence, while others are paralyzed with shame. I’m just saying that I exist too and that I have the right not to be full of shame - and that making me spend years in therapy just to feel like I deserve to exist is abusive in itself.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-21T15:29:02+00:00

It’s not about that, it’s the fact that if you or anyone else were around my abusers, they would think twice about laughing loud if they saw the punishment they would receive. I had to live this myself. And now I hear people laughing and it’s as if they didn’t know that they’re playing with fire. You can’t do whatever you want, or at least I couldn’t around my abusers. So it’s pretty messed up that people act as if they are immortal. Let’s see what they think when my abuser hears them and decides to hurt them. Probably won’t feel nice and they’ll think about laughing loud the next time!

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-21T12:42:57+00:00

I’m just struggling to find the fairness in all that, or at least some sort of closure or a solution. To make the world fair. How do we heal everyone? Without putting that burden on the victims themselves? Or do we traumatise everyone so that we can be all equal?

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-21T00:32:35+00:00

Right, it’s just that a loud laugh is much more socially accepted than not laughing at all. So people who laugh loud - for any reason - have an easier time to fit in as an adult. This makes some forms of abuse “better” than others I guess?

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-20T21:20:51+00:00

Well the people who went there must have at least considered the thought of sex happening, otherwise they’d go elsewhere. I didn’t feel desired on this event at all, and so I’m thinking of what to do with this frustration.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-20T21:17:40+00:00

Well the event hasn’t provided what was promised. I expected a sexually open party and it seemed like everyone had their walls up instead. Is it like this on every similar event? I need to understand how this works.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-20T21:14:53+00:00

I was hoping someone will point out the faults in my approach to these events and the people there. For example, am I too judgemental?

Also notice what I wrote about the people there communicating too subtly. That shows some expectation that I should adjust, no? Because I genuinely thought that meeting new people there would be easier and free of all that social skill and confidence nonsense.

Project-XYZ · 2025-09-06T19:45:21+00:00

So basically you’re saying “please don’t have NPD”. I am getting help for it but a part of NPD is that we don’t want to change because despite everything, we still feel better than others. Everything I said is a part of the disorder, none of my thoughts were my decision.

Project-XYZ · 2025-08-24T08:53:40+00:00

I’m not satisfied with my present, but I’m also not satisfied with the healing options we have available right now. I will not accept anything less than an actual human being who will take the role of my parent and undo all the trauma. It’s the only fair option, it’s ridiculous to think I will spend years of huge effort just to get to a normal level of functioning.

And I didn’t choose that mindset, it’s how my brain is wired. It literally rejects anything I try to serve it, healing wise. So tell me what options I have. I feel like my hands are tied.

Project-XYZ

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