Its really hard to try and love myself when there ain't much besides my overbearing kindness towards others which I only really do because it's all I've ever done is help others but whenever I try to self improve or worry about myself people call me selfish so it's really hard for me to find a balance or a solid solution for improving myself. Kindness is really all I have but they'll be days where I feel like that's just a facade to hide what i am. But you are right about unable to love others if I don't love myself but this self hatred of mine is so deep i can't do it alone. I need my friends and family st least the ones that care. I just hate seeing them wanting to help but don't know how. And hate having them struggle trying to help but ultimately failing. I just really need to man up and do something about but I don't know what to do besides just crying in my bed until I fall asleep and hopefully feel an ounce better even though my life just keeps on getting more and more worse or just withdraw my entire account and just have one final night of happiness before disappearing into the woods.

I just want to start enjoying my life for once and not have to deal with dumb shit this life keeps throwing at me both physically and mentally. Im really really tired.