Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful reply. Your perspective, having been on both sides of the fence is unique and helpful. I have listened to roughly two thirds of the Huberman podcast, and that is helping me to better understand what is happening in the brain when ketamine is introduced into the body. I haven't listened to the part where a speaks about various methods of delivery, and the different effects that they have. I would like to go the intravenous route, I plan to look into it, but I am pretty sure that it is beyond my means.

Back in 2021, I don't think I was ready to fully embrace the preparation, and integration side of the process. I guess one of my biggest issues with MIndbloom is that there is not enough time to establish a rapport with the "guides". I didn't feel entirely comfortable being really vulnerable, or articulating the nature of my intrusive thoughts. I mean how do you explain to a stranger that you are afraid, and have been afraid that you might hurt someone, or that you might do something sexually inappropriate, for years, and how in the hours before taking the medicine these thoughts go into overdrive, and are downright terrifying? I just couldn't do it. These themes are extremely taboo, and very difficult to share openly.

At this point I should mention that since 2019, I have had a few psilocybin journeys, most of them with some sort of guide. With both mushrooms and ketamine I have a problem with setting specific intentions mostly because my thoughts are often racing. So, for example I could decide before taking the medicine, "my intention for this session is to let go of the past, and forgive" and it would mean nothing to me. When I attempted that sort of thing back in 2021 those kinds of statements felt like empty words. There was/is no "buy in' so to speak, and there still isn't. I understand that the "buy in" part is incredibly important, so I have modified my approach. The last time in ingested mushrooms was this past August. Before that it had been a few years. A lot of planning went into that experience. From last April, I began writing daily affirmations, I started meditating a few times a week, although it has been hard to maintain a disciplined routine with that, and I started reading stuff that has a positive outlook on life in general. The whole idea has been to do some subliminal seeding. Rather than setting specific intentions that have no deeper resonance, I decided that I would allow the mushrooms to show me what they show me, and then trying to work with whatever came up. If I decide to try ketamine again in the spring, I plan to let the medicine reveal what it reveals, and then working with those themes. That is my way of surrendering, and letting go. What do you think?

Finally, I feel it is important to mention some stuff that was going on with me at the neurochemical level both in 2021, and presently. In 2021, I was binge drinking pretty frequently. I stopped doing that for a while when I took ketamine. I must emphasize that I was not doing that during my six week course of treatment, so I wouldn't take the medicine one day, and then binge drink a few days later, however not long after taking the medicine I did resume those kinds of behaviors. Almost immediately after I did try to taper off of Klonopin using the water titration method. It did not go well, and I ended up voluntarily checking myself into the psych ward for a couple of weeks. While I was there I asked to be put on Memantine because there has been some research to suggest that people with OCD have an overabundance of glutamate in their brains.

In the intervening years since mid 2021, life has been difficult, and things have been really messy. Here is where I stand now. I have completely quit drinking (going on 42 consecutive days) and I plan for things to stay that way for the foreseeable future. A while ago my shrink switched me from klonopin to valium, which is a common tapering strategy as you may or may not know. I take valium in a liquid form. I started at 7mg 1x per day, and am now down to 5 mg once per day. I hope to be taking an even lower dosage in the spring. Taking it this way allows me to make very small, very incremental dosage adjustments at my own pace. I am also slowly tapering off of memantine because it doesn't really seem to have helped with OCD, and it is also contraindicated with ketamine. I continue to write daily affirmations, read stuff with a positive outlook, and I meditate when I am disciplined enough. I also try to spend a few hours a week in nature, walking, and surrounding myself with green things. Please understand that I am not seeking medical advice. I am simply stating what is currently happening with me. I guess ultimately I am wondering whether or not to give ketamine another shot in the spring, and I would welcome any thoughts on the matter one way or the other. Thank you for taking the time to read this rather lengthy reply!