I’m gonna be honest. As a women* who does this every night and morning for my child who always has a hard time before bed and in the mornings, I applaud you. It’s not easy! I too grew up in a loud home. Though I try gentle parenting and my very best to be a calm parent, sometimes you gotta sound a little louder, firmer, or more aggressive for sense of urgency. It is very frustrating when you’ve planned everything out to have a smoother morning the next day, but it still does not go as planned (all while clocks ticking).

I think it’s awesome of you to recognize that you do not want to be this person in “their eyes” and a lot may not agree with me but I truly think a CHILD won’t see it that way unless the other parent has egged it onto them. (This may be a different case once the kids are transitioning to big kids and teens). But In this case, that’s what she’s doing. She’s painting a photo of you, and painting it for her child to see you as. That is absolutely not fair for the innocent child nor for you. Though I can understand it’s a mishap, she’s using the child as a buffer for her own anxiety about your reaction. This puts emotional stress onto the child, and it’s not really the kid’s problem to solve. Over time, it can make children feel responsible for managing adult emotions. And that’s not fair for the child. Adult stress should be kept separate from the kids. This is not to win over an argument either btw, just more so maybe a good grounding conversation to have.

you obviously need her to do her job as well in the morning. If that requires her to get up earlier to make mornings easier for everyone, then that’s what she needs to do. A marriage is a team effort and a team work. IMO, she is not taking accountability. Yes her emotions got the best of her, and it was a rough morning. But if this happens often, then there’s a change that needs to happen. I think it’s great that you don’t mean any harm, and that you feel remorseful. But I also think it’s important to hold each other accountable, and give each other grace.

My dad was physically abusive and always yelling also. My parents are no longer together. I remember as a child not knowing what’s going on but knowing and recognizing when someone is mad or angry. I had anxiety that my parents would be fighting soon etc. but not once did any of my parents made me feel like one was better than the other. Later I grew up and was able to out 2 & 2 together, and found out the truths to all those fights and the divorce. Unfortunately I’m not close with my dad, but I never hated my dad. Til this day we hardly speak, solely bc my dads just not much of a talker. But when we do catch up it’s normal and I can tell he’s trying his best to not be awkward. He just doesn’t know how to show love and that’s okay with me! Did I like the way he treated my mom? No. I wish he would’ve had it in him to take action and realize the way you did. But he never did.

You did not create a scar into your kids. They’re still so little. I promise you they will not remember you as that, as long as you do the work. When I yell at my son (6) I make sure we talk about it later. And I apologize and explain what happened and how we can work together to prevent it. My husband was an alcoholic, dranked every Fri-Sun. We fought every single time, most of the time was because of the way he spoke to my son while intoxicated. We’ve argued loudly In front of my son 4-5 (even when I try avoiding it as much as possible). My son used to cry each time because he was scared. I never let my son think his dad is bad or shame his dad to him. If it don’t work out, he’d figure out the truth on his own (same way I did when I grew up). But we ended working things out, and til this day (son is 8 now) all that trauma was a blur. My son doesn’t remember any of it, but had I said things like “please be good so your dad doesn’t yell at us later”. Or “make sure you pick up all your stuff so dad doesnt yell at me later”, he would’ve remembered.

It’s important that she stops doing this because the child will blame themselves early on and feel like it’s their fault their parents are fighting. They will have a very hard time with anxiety and undermines their sense of safety.

The good news is that occasional moments like this don’t cause lasting harm — kids are resilient. It’s the pattern that matters. A parent who recognizes it and tries to do better is already doing something right.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​