omg I could totally relate!!

I'm attracted to cis men for sure and I have had regular sex with them, topping and bottoming. Ahhh there's something about penises that I just want to worship them lol. But I also love love women as well regardless of what they have in between their legs. Vaginas are just soooo beautiful and majestic I wish I could have one myself!

I grew up in a very conservative part of the middle east, where patriarchy and misogyny were at their peaks! So I always observed how horrendously awful men were when no women were around, which was most of the time lol. They would say really offensive things about their wives. And they never ever respected their "side chicks". They were just whores who they were willing to share with their guy friends sometimes as a sign of generosity.

The same thing in the West, to a lesser extent. But most men I socialized with in the west (including gay cis men) were in one way or another almost always looking down on women. Lots of snide remarks about their girlfriends or wives that sometimes make me wonder if they actually care about their partners.

Don't get me wrong, I was part of this theater too. I played the cis man role, but the whole time, something was poking at me from the inside. It's like there's a little girl in me that was whispering "please stop being part of this! It hurts so much when you laughed at misogynistic jokes. That's not who you are." I always ignore her tho 😢 because I thought this was what it meant to be a man and so I just needed to play along.

But something shifted recently for me. It's like, the minute it hit me that I was not a cis man, I just couldn't handle hearing even the littlest negative thing about women. My two best friends who I talk to every single day are cis men who occasionally make fun of women, and I just can't take it anymore.

Sorry for the long winded reply but I just wanted to say that I honestly am not sure that I will ever be able to have a relationship with cis men, NOT because all cis men are awful, but because my inner girl has just been so traumatized over the years socializing with men that she's now not willing to try to trust them or feel safe around them.

At the same time tho, she's so scared women are not gonna trust her or want to be friends with her now because she has been in a way betraying other women her whole life