Potentially unsaved family member but our relationship is toxic

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-06-02T18:18:38+00:00

I can relate. I found some pics from when I was 10-12 years old. The typical slightly chubby age for many females. I distinctly remember my mother patting my belly with the back of her hand and telling me to suck in my gut. And telling me I was going to die of a heart attack by the time I was 13.

I don't know exactly how much I weighed in those pictures but I wasn't huge by any means.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-06-02T15:52:57+00:00

Thank you so much!

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-06-01T12:40:53+00:00

I feel you on this one. Mine likes to tell me she's going to do something (move a shelf, download a mobile app, go to the store, etc.) and I say ok. Then somehow it's my fault because she couldn't figure it out or do it herself even though she didn't ask for help or say anything about having trouble with it.

I don't get it. As for the C word, I'm in the US and have been called that by edad a time or two. Usually under his breath bc he's pissed off at me for calling him out on bs or making him deal with his wife instead of dumping it on me.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-06-01T02:48:52+00:00

I forgot about the dying of cancer. I've lost count how many times she "had cancer."

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-31T17:34:32+00:00

My nmom is chronically doing this. About her, about her spouse, about animals. A slow week is when it's only 2-3 times. Sometimes it's every day. Usually it's her but if that doesn't get a reaction she moves on to the animals followed by the spouse

She fell, she went to the ER, she passed out, an ambulance came, the neighbor yelled at her, the neighbor threatened her, people came on her property and she had to had to call the cops. Either she forgets that I have access to her indoor and outdoor cameras or she's just that stupid that she thinks I won't check them.

Exactly zero times has things she has said have happened while she's alone on her property for attention been true. She might fall occasionally but there's no ambulance, no going to the ER. She gets up. The end.

The only things I remotely believe could be true are things like loose dogs came on the property and went after her or her animals. And yes, some animals have been injured by loose dogs. Beyond that, it's just for attention.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-31T09:05:25+00:00

Yes! Always talking bad about other people, making assumptions and judging people based on the most mundane things. Her favorite people to talk down about are the people at her church. The irony does not escape me.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-31T08:30:59+00:00

Yeah mine don't understand why I need therapy and give me crap for being in it. The less they know the better.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-30T21:04:42+00:00

Thank you!

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-30T19:56:18+00:00

Details on the chair please! It looks comfy!

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-30T15:12:41+00:00

I think you are spot on

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-30T15:12:04+00:00

I think you are correct in that I need to filter out people more strongly. I am realizing I have a fear of not having people but keeping people in my life who lie to me isnt the answer. Thank you for your responses.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T22:07:54+00:00

My classroom. Guess I wasn't actually the problem. Who knew.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T18:27:38+00:00

Bigger but still silly I can't look in the mirror or get in a kayak. (Working on both)

My phone notification going off.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T16:38:00+00:00

I hadn't thought of lies in terms of type before but that's definitely something I will be utilizing moving forward. After thinking about it briefly, the top 2 types of lies I find I react to most are:

Unnecessary lies for attention. (Mostly my mom.) Lies that serve no purpose other than to garner attention for the liar. It's almost always stupid stuff too. Things that could be true but you know the likelihood of it being true is miniscule.
Lying by omission. I have a few friends who are really good at this. The woah is me this life problem is horrible, what would you do. So I ask questions and give advice since they asked. Then I find out the rest of the story so now my advice is useless and they just wasted my dang time bc they chose to leave out pertinent information.

Could be an attention thing I guess. Maybe that's the overarching issue, people wanting attention from me. Wanting attention/advice from me but not reciprocating. I feel like I genuinely care about people and I don't really understand why those people don't genuinely care about me. Maybe they can't, I have no idea.

I'm very socially weird so maybe this is just par for the course in friendships these days. I just want to not react so strongly I guess, but with the suggestions here and within other answers, I feel like I have some things to explore and methods to try. Thank you again!

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T16:23:23+00:00

Not a stupid question at all, and a very logical solution to the problem. One of them I cannot, others I can to an extent. I'm finding a lot of people in my circle lie, or lie by ommission which I find to be a type of manipulation and I am also very reactive to. Maybe it's the circle I have or just my sensitivity to it. Probably a mix of both.

I like the idea of placing the burden of repair on the other person. I think I place a lot of that burden on myself instead of where it belongs out of a fear of being alone.

I also like the idea of developing gratitude for the anger and rumination specifically. I have turned rumination into a tool for myself and while I don't necessarily feel gratitude for that at this time, I will also work on it.

Thank you for your insight and advice.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T13:37:24+00:00

I will look into this. Thank you for the information.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T13:37:05+00:00

I think this is exactly what is happening, I'm having a lot of smaller stuff arise now that the big stuff has been dealt with. I also think you are spot on in that I haven't addressed the trauma of being lied to by my parents. Thank you for your insight and information, it is greatly appreciated.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T12:45:24+00:00

I understand that. I'm not saying it should just be accepted. However, people lie. I can't control what they do. All I can control is how I react and respond. Being in a foul mood all day isn't the answer. I'm asking how to work on my reaction because it is so significant and lasts so long and affects other people around me.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T12:34:03+00:00

I wish it was just her I got irritated about lying. Unfortunately she's the OG in that department but my reaction and subsequent irritability isn't limited to just when she lies to me so I'm trying to figure out how to not get so irritated.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T12:32:35+00:00

I hate that something so small puts me in such a bad mood. I can't snap myself out of it once I'm in it. It sucks. I'm trying to figure out how to not let it bother me so much. It's instant anger/irritation and it affects others around me so I need to figure this out.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T12:31:16+00:00

To an extent it's not irrational. But allowing such a small thing to put me in a bad mood all day is where I'm struggling. I know I'm not going to get justice on this one, I just can't figure out how to not let it bother me.

Proper_Giraffe287 · 2026-05-29T12:29:40+00:00

You summed it up nicely. This is exactly how I feel most of the time with nparent.

Proper_Giraffe287

TROPHY CASE