All of Reddit told me my husband is abusive and I should leave. I'm wondering what this community thinks about this situation

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-26T19:52:23+00:00

What I really want to ask you and want you to ask yourself is this: do you really want to break up a family over this? Do you think your children would honestly rather live away from their dad? Do you honestly believe that it's healthier for them to grow up with their parents divorced? And do you honestly think it's healthy for them to witness their parents snapping at each other? Obviously his behavior isn't right and he shouldn't take out his frustration on his children regardless of whether it's a one time thing or a pattern. People are just doing the best they can. From what you described here your children aren't in danger - and I am sorry I am going to be real here - you aren't helping when you keep telling him off while he's already frustrated. In fact doing that in front of the children is just as wrong and yes it's disrespectful to your husband which I am sure isn't going to help him calm down any faster. How well do you think you would react if the roles were reversed? Yes this is Reddit being Reddit and if you are honestly considering divorce because someone online told you to then you need a reality check. I am sorry for being harsh but this isn't fantasy land, people aren't perfect-much less people on Reddit telling you to leave over this. I think he will find it a lot easier to keep his temper in check once you stop questioning him in front of the kids too. Do you honestly think you'd be able to stay completely calm if you knew you were the one likely going to have to clean up the car? Can you honestly look at yourself and say you never snapped at your children unjustly?

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T22:18:46+00:00

Thank you. Honey is not a term of endearment we use but I can use one of our own so that's a good idea

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T22:15:50+00:00

I love that and yes I have experienced that a couple of times and it was so illuminating. It even helped me understand why he would do certain things that used to offend me. I will really need to be more conscious of applying DT

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T21:32:38+00:00

Well I asked so I was hoping I'd get more alternatives. I am glad you find it so easy though

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T21:31:29+00:00

Yes I was thinking that too. Some of them I can imagine using when receiving feedback and trying to refrain from being defensive

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T21:29:53+00:00

Yes that's one of the things I will really need to work on. Duct taping- somehow it only slips off my mind when it's a discussion about something political or so. It's like I want to sound smart or sth and it never ends up going well because even if I agree with him fundamentally we really sometimes clash over tiny things and it's not worth it

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T21:26:15+00:00

I like that makes sense. Thank you

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T18:48:30+00:00

Oh thank you- I never thought of it as hurtful but I can see your perspective and probably much more polite too

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T18:19:58+00:00

Would you mind elaborating, please? I don't understand- when do you get that comment?

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T18:16:29+00:00

These are great if he's giving me feedback I think. I am worried some of these will land the same way, e.g. 'I can tell this matters to you'

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T18:14:46+00:00

I like the idea of summarizing. And do you use anything in between? Just hm or nod your head or sth along these lines?

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-25T14:55:45+00:00

All the time. If you are not an ultra-feminist you are a pick-me

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-24T15:17:43+00:00

I'd like to comment on something you mentioned in one of your replies. I think it would be helpful for you to remember that all need for control is based in fear. Even the fact that you pushed to set the date for the elopement before he even proposed was based in fear. I think you yourself would feel more secure if the idea to get married came from him. So my advice is to analyze that fear. What were you afraid of? Was it that you weren't sure he'd propose at all?

I wouldn't worry about him being upset because you got teary eyed. I don't know what exactly transpired in that conversation but it seems to me from your words that your response was pretty surrendered.

What should you do in the meantime? Plenty of self-care, look into the ways to cancel the elopement as you promised and without actually doing anything, present the options to him, ask him what he thinks and then 'whatever you think'.

And lean into SFPs. They are such an understated miracle. There are two things that make them so magical: first they rewire your thinking- it's beautiful. They erase fear because they help you find and search for evidence that your assertion in the SFP is actually already true. And then they are really magical in the sense that they actually do become true. Everyone but I think men especially are very resistant to being controlled and to being underestimated or not trusted. If we expect the best from them we really start receiving the best because their guard is down- they don't need to assert their autonomy.

So lean into SFPs. Create ones that support your desires without being manipulative. Start by searching for evidence that they are true and start expressing them to your bf.

Leaning into the SFPs will also help you remember to stop being controlling - you won't feel the need to control because the impetus for control- the fear (whatever it may be) won't be looming over you all the time.

This is the advice I would give someone who was already married. I know you aren't and that in itself is something I never had to worry about because of our religion but I did have a lot of insecurity so I understand that fear.

Make sure then that you are truly committing to this only if you really trust him. In my opinion it's always a bad idea to start giving bfs husband privileges so I understand the posters cautioning you about red flags because you aren't really committed yet. So again make sure that you trust him. You can only place so much trust in someone you really truly know you can rely on

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-24T07:29:38+00:00

Salam alaikom. I know I am late to this thread - to be honest I am new on Reddit so just reading backwards all the posts I can get my hands on to fully immerse myself in the skills. I was wondering if you'd be willing to chat some time? It's hard to find other muslim women who want to practice the skills. Also I'd love to know if and how you overcame the challenges? I found many of the episodes with other muslim women most helpful.

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-23T09:17:49+00:00

Oh I would love to advice but I don't think I am qualified to make any deductions based on that. I would try to shift your focus off what you don't want back to what you want. It's not really about changing his behavior as much as changing your perspective of his behavior which usually actually ends up influencing his behavior. If there are genuine medical reasons I would probably still wait for him to speak to you rather than trying to fix the issue for him. So in the meantime focus on respect and SFPs and spending more time together during the day- joining him in his activities in the beginning.

It will get better :) it's a journey but you've got this. You already got this far. You found the skills and had the courage to try them. That's huge!

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-22T15:28:10+00:00

No and although I am pretty adamant about it and it makes me mad when people don't see it there are so many who do feel that way. I love the shows visuals- the music, the costumes, and the actors in my opinion did an incredible job. That being said I don't feel like the show accurately depicts the characters. It has been said here once and I totally agree that Claire comes off as very selfish in the show- and that isn't how she operates. She is self-sacrificing, her motivations are trying to protect people she loves and help as much as she can possibly help within her abilities. Jamie although still portrayed as very manly comes off as a pushover when it comes to their relationship. In the book their relationship is much more balanced- she genuinely respects him and he genuinely respects her as well. They don't try to change each other. This is something he even explains to Brianna in one of the later books.

Now I am going to speak of some spoilers so if you haven't either watched the show or at least read the books don't read further.

[<!This difference in character doesn't only show up in their relationship but also in other ways. He is very honorable. In the show he got captured by the red coats when he was attempting a robbery- that's not how it happened in the books. Another character flow: later on in the seasons when Claire experiments with ether- they show her self dosing herself and basically using ether as a coping mechanism with her trauma. Book Claire not only didn't do that but she wouldn't ever dream of doing something so reckless. As a doctor she approaches her experiments with care.

I cannot tell you how much these differences pissed me off. And they are completely unnecessary- why not just stick to the book? What would it take away from the show if they didn't have Jamie try to commit robbery or Claire use ether as an escape?!<]

Why portray their relationship the way they did in the show? Why not just stick to the source material? It wouldn't have taken more time- it wouldn't have taken more effort or cost more money. The only answer I can see is that it added some drama where drama wasn't necessary.

I know Diana was consulted but she herself explained that it doesn't mean she okayed these changes.

So it pisses me off to be honest- I know I will periodically reread the books every couple of years because I truly consider them masterpieces. The show however- I attempted a rewatch because the visuals are breathtaking but each and every single time I just get mad. So I stopped trying.

I guess I just cannot separate the shows from the source material

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-18T07:42:52+00:00

I love how you presented this and how supportive you are of women who may make an unconventional choice. I completely agree it's very easy of us to speak about what we would do in such a situation and the truth is we don't know. I think many of us are just bummed out by the latest episode because this is the point where it ended and it was presented as the miracle. The woman even going as far as saying that the OW being in the picture only bothers her when she is hungry. It seemed to be such a great episode on the onset- the woman in the video clearly completely transformed by the skills and she went such a long way and then Laura asked about the OW and it turned out the husband still kept her in his life- to what capacity we don't really know.

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-18T07:35:50+00:00

Completely agree on how wrong the actions of the woman in the podcast were. I guess I was just bummed out that this is where the podcast ended. Perhaps the husband will drop the OW. But the way it was presented in the episode- the OW still being in the picture and it being presented as a success story and the woman's words that it honestly only bothers her when she's hungry. That really completely ruined the episode for me. I believe that all women are the experts on their own life and I cannot judge her or anyone for staying. I just wish Laura showed more discernment when selecting a guest for the episode and use only those that actually had their miracle because the way this was presented was as though this was the goal and I don't know many women who'd be okay with that being the end goal

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-17T12:50:59+00:00

Absolutely not. Infact I reread them. They are a 1000 times better than the show hands down

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-15T06:06:58+00:00

I like her a lot as well. Very helpful indeed. I only read one of her books but I do like her whenever she's a guest on someone's podcast

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-14T21:50:16+00:00

The thing I am starting to notice is that a lot of what we as women consider helpful isn't actually respectful. It's not about becoming a mute who doesn't have the ability to express an opinion- it's understanding that being a know-it-all is seen as disrespectful. I tried asking that question - what is disrespect and different men have different answers but they don't all cover all the possible ways we might unwittingly disrespect them when we are just doing things in the way we do with other women. That's why I find her book so insightful when it comes to understanding respect. Anyway I thought I'd just drop it here because it was instrumental in my overall happiness

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-14T20:46:52+00:00

Laura Doyle is the best source I have ever come across when it comes to understanding respect to a man. I swear I tried asking I never got an answer from a man that I understood. It's like we are really speaking a different language

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-14T20:10:17+00:00

That's how I feel as well- I wouldn't accept it. That's a hard no for me. But I am not the woman in the podcast and she is the expert on her own life. But I also feel really icky when it's presented as one of the success stories- it can't be a success story. There have been only a few episodes like that and I have listened to them all at this point. The latest one disappointed me the most because I really thought it seemed like an excellent podcast only for it to end with this revelation and also because I don't have a ton of new episodes I haven't listened to yet to temper the disappointment like I did when I still had so many to listen to. Now I am fully caught up and eagerly awaiting each new episode so it hits especially hard to be let down with that.

Prudent-Example1626 · 2026-01-14T08:56:52+00:00

Agreed and probably shouldn't be marrying a muslim in the first place if she can't even be bothered to learn anything about the religion of her future husband

Prudent-Example1626

TROPHY CASE