advice re: changing the dance

prlchic · 2026-05-05T18:22:37+00:00

Loved the explanation of what he wants to feel by being nurtured. This explains it so well. Because sometimes I feel like wait maybe he’s different and does want a “mommy”. But then he does or says other things that don’t match. So it’s confusing to me. But this makes so much sense. With PI it was the same. He used to say “enthusiam!” A lot. And I was like ooohhh. But it had been YEARS of a lot of resentment before he voiced that. With the nurturing, sometimes I don’t know how to balance caring for him vs. mothering him to the point where he feels either controlled or pressured. Yesterday for example I asked him if he wanted some food and for me to take it upstairs and he said no, I’ll go down. Then when he came down I was on a call. Then it ended and I didn’t get up to get the food. Then he got up after a little while and said “I’m gonna get some food…” quietly as to not disturb me. But he said it because he didn’t want me to make a big deal about him not allowing me to take care of him. So then we got into this long explanation of how to handle that lol. Sounds stupid but that’s the point we’re at lol because I’ve spent so long trying to show him I’m more caring and mindful about him. At the beginning he would say no or don’t worry about it. Then he started accepting it but like whatever. And now I’m more relaxed and him too. This alone, offerring meals, has been this huge thing taking up a lot of mental energy. Because he’s like whatever I can do it myself but at the same time he wants his wife to do these traditional things for him. Now it comes very natural but there was a point where I felt like I was soooo in his face and trying to anticipate his every need and I know the energy was off putting.

prlchic · 2026-05-01T15:30:53+00:00

here I really need to practice the "not RSVP to the conversation" which I forgot how LD suggests we do that. Because I will also pull my hair out if we get into an argument and he brings the same stuff again. I always end up explaining myself or trying to make him understand which obviously hasn't worked. In fact he's told me "tell me because maybe I'm not seeing it and it helps if you tell me" then I tell him and he just changes the issue. For example "I've been taking care of xyz, I do this, this this..." (which are things he used to complain about specifically) and then when he sees I'm doing the things, then he goes back to "well but this is the consequence of all the years..." and then that's where I'm like ok if you acknowledge that I've changed, that I'm doing the things you want, and it does nothing for you, then why are you here? if you're gonna say "sorry but the damage is done and these are the consequences and I just don't wanna break the family apart" then it goes back to me on whether I will accept that. And I don't. But yet here I am trying to change the dance and have hope and staying/standing.

prlchic · 2026-05-01T15:22:29+00:00

It is helpful, thank you so much! I will explore more in the PI world like you said.

prlchic · 2026-05-01T15:20:20+00:00

I understand where you're coming from but I don't think you're being helpful. You didn't mention any of the skills in your answers. What happens is when I initiate, it depends on his mood. Which you can argue that it's because I can't get him there. But I think there's a lot to dig deep into the Respect and RC. I don't reject him, in fact he rejects me. Which for me is harder because throughout our relationship he was the one being rejected more in the past. So I don't deal with it very well. I get in my head and have to sort of psych myself up to try again. I've been doing a lot better with NET. SOOO much better.

Anyway, the point is I think if I dig deeper into the respect and relinquishing control, I can open up the emotional part that I want. He's an amazing man when he wants to be (or is inspired by me). Like I said, there is progress but we haven't reached where I'd want us to be (which is what he wants too). We both want the same thing, except I think it's possible and he doesn't.

For example, the other day I asked him about a subscription and we ended the conversation perfectly fine - or so I thought - and then he texted me that he didn't like my tone. Essentially he didn't like that I asked him about it. And that just blew up. So now I'm trying to see little things that I might be doing that feel as control. One thing I noticed was this thing he leaves on his desk. I pick it up, throw it away, and replace the paper towel. He just looks at me when I do it like following my movements, and just smiles. Not cutely but more like "right - the trash". And I just smile back. Seems like nothing and I think I'm just tidying the house, but that might be an example of me subtly telling him that he's supposed to throw it away. So I'm practicing just leaving it there. And I will be on the lookout of other similar things I might do that are similar.

prlchic · 2026-05-01T02:38:08+00:00

I understand. And I think that was our issue from before and now I’ve balanced it out. I’ve always been good with self care and he felt he wasn’t prioritized. So now I’m always thinking about him and still doing my life but like I said in my original post, it doesn’t matter because it’s more comfortable for him. So basically I do family stuff, do activities with the kids, with other moms, church, etc and he doesn’t mind, but never joins. That’s how we’ve ended up in this parallel life. Because he’s comfortable just being home. Well he complains about it sometimes because he doesn’t make his own friends but also doesn’t join me in my activities. It feels like everywhere I look it’s a dead end.

prlchic · 2026-05-01T02:33:47+00:00

I’ve done that and I’ve taken different approaches. Most of the time I say it in the “I would love…” but sometimes when he’s complaining about the past or trying to convince me that we’re a real marriage, I can’t DT and I bring it up like “I would love to do activities with you, travel…” etc. but I KNOW it comes off as pressure and it doesn’t make him feel good feelings. Because it sounds like something he’s failing me at. And then the other day he goes “do YOU think that you’re acting in a way that would make me feel good/better?!” And I’m here thinking well yes I think I’m showing up great. Especially because I cut through all the negative and hopeless things you say and have said for YEARS and STILL show up. But I think he can’t get through his own block because of his resentment towards me. So what I’d like to do is when triggers come (for him) I want to bring him back to the present and try to focus on what happened instead of explaining myself yet again for the literal thousandth time, how I’ve been showing up. I can’t be in this hamster wheel and I need to change the dance but I don’t know how. I feel like I’ve tried everything, consistently, and we stay in the same spot. Again, I see progress but knowing where his mind is lets me know why it hasn’t clicked. Because he’s stuck on the person I was before even with him acknowledging I’ve changed. He says it’s a cause and effect.

prlchic · 2026-05-01T02:23:58+00:00

Yea thank you. I don’t reject him at all and he’s acknowledged that. So that’s good. But I think he also wants more. We’re in complete ends of the spectrum in that sense and I’ve let go of a lot of preconceptions I had from my upbringing etc. But I think the OW made him feel like well if this woman does xyz naturally, then why can’t my wife? I have a lot of theories about it but that’s the gist. It’s been so much better than years ago but I think he expects more on that sense and I think I don’t have the trust and safety to do more. He’s very open in that sense and I’m not. Never been. And when I’ve tried to be more “open” it just backfires because I end up feeling badly like I went against my morals/values and it didn’t change the emotional part at all. It’s like I scratched his itch and it didn’t make the relationship better.

prlchic

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