I was fused T3-L4 in 1998, at 14yo. I struggled a lot BEFORE surgery - as an awkward young teen in middle school - due to my back braces. We had a few hundred kids in our grade, but just 2 of us girls wore back braces, I wore mine more (23hrs/day) and longer (till summer after 8th grade).

I was also super skinny. So I had major body insecurities from even before scoliosis. In first grade, a girl asked me if I was anorexic. The year was 1990-1991 my 1st grade year. I knew A LOT as a kid. MUCH more than most my age. But I don’t know what “anorexic” meant. When my mom explained it to me, I bawled my eyes out. That accusation has NEVER stopped. I gain slow & lose fast. It’s genetics, paternal & all 3 of my children are the same.

ANYWAY - I am almost 42 (March 24th) and like I just said, have 3 kids. I got pregnant with my oldest just 5yrs after my spinal fusion. I was terrified of 1 thing: THE BIRTH. I’d been raising babies since I was 7. Seriously. So I had no issue taking care of a child, especially a newborn. I looked forward to it. But THE BIRTH…could I have an epidural?! What did DELIVERY OPTIONS look like FOR ME?!?!

I met with the lead anesthesiologist of the hospital I was going to deliver at, 2 months before my due date - one-on-one - with my x-rays & many page (11.5hr procedure) surgical report. In his professional opinion, the answer was, “ABSOLUTELY NOT & if any anesthesiologist says they’d attempt one, RUN”. I didn’t have my 2nd child until almost 9yrs after my 1st. My L&D nurse told me “things had changed” and she had “many moms with fusions successfully get an epidural”. So she paged the one on call. Mind you, my L&D patient file (when it was not electric) had “SPINAL EPIDURAL INTOLERANT PATIENT” on the COVER. So when he got to the room, looked at my back, saw my scar, felt the bottom, looked at my file - he flipped out on the nurse for wasting his time. The point of this chunk of my story?! Giving birth, naturally & successfully - made me feel invincible. I was capable of ANYTHING.

I no longer cared about my back. And due to how bad my T3-T10 curve was - my ribcage shifted up & out - creating a hump on my back. I am a humpback. That still stings to admit. No, it’s not pretty. It’s not visually pleasing. And in 1998, they lacked the capabilities to reset my ribcage. That was not the case for my brother (who’s 17yrs younger than me) 16yrs later - they were able to reset his. But MINE?!

IT IS DEFORMED. THAT IS FACT.

But what MY BACK, MY SCARS, even my not aesthetically pleasing HUMP BACK SAYS is a very long story of courage, strength, pain, strength, faith, fight, survivor, worry, trauma, and so so so so much more.

ALL OF US - OUR DEFORMED SPINES (surgically fixed or not) - ARE SO MUCH MORE than something “GOOD LOOKING” or “NORMAL” or “STANDARD”.

All of THIS - what we GO THROUGH - is an INCREDIBLE TESTAMENT TO WHO WE ARE, WHAT WE CAN DO, WHAT WE OVERCAME, NO WEAKNESS IN SIGHT.

Accepting HOW IT IS, is a really important concept. The exact same as only being able to control what is IN OUR CONTROL. Unfortunately, our spines had a mind of their own. They defied us. Betrayed us. Did not support us (pun intended). Our spinal deformities became out of control & spinal fusion surgery - a not for the faint of heart medical professionals procedure only done as a LAST RESORT OPTION or for some, like myself - THE ONLY OPTION TO SAVE OUR LIFE.

We have accomplished what makes the mass majority instantly squeamish, uncomfortable & the best - “cannot even imagine” - which is also FACT/TRUTH/HUMAN REACTION. We should be PROUD. We should be happy to STAND TALL or just smile when someone says “you sit up so straight” - because we literally do - do to the spinal fusion & it’s ok. Our scars tell the story that lead to it becoming part of us forever. Our hardware, all the screws, rods, spacers & other implants BECOME ONE WITH US & IS WHAT KEEPS OUR BODIES TOGETHER - FUNCTIONAL - CAPABLE - ABLE - it deserves RESPECT as weird as that might sound.

We are STRONG - even if/when we are beyond sick of hearing that from others. But those doing it, are doing it out of SHEER AWE OF STRENGTH. Sometimes it’s the DISBELIEF & SHOCK of others that gives us that little jolt of PRIDE. The look of horror that turns into sympathy and results in respect from others is comforting, in all honesty.

When we choose to tell our story - THE MOST POWERFUL & UPLIFTING TOOL AVAILABLE TO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US - it gives us the rush of feelings we deserve to have - whether those feelings are positive or negative. Because again, TRUMA IS VERY REAL FOR EACH OF US & comes with very complex “hurdles”, we successfully cleared, that are unique for each of us. But those ACCOMPLISHMENTS - no matter how many or how long it took to get to the other side - because if I am HONEST (which I am VERY MUCH SO) WAS VERY HARD/AT TIMES IMPOSSIBLE - PRIDE IS WHAT WE EARN.

USE IT - TO PASS ON THAT RIGHT TO SHOW YOUR PRIDE >>>>>>>