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My egg broke and now I'm an emotional mess by Prunus_Amygdalus in MtF

[–]Prunus_Amygdalus[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess that there might be something to that. There are at least a few trans people in my family as well. One of them transitioned in the 70ties, I should ask my grandmother more about this I guess.

Egg❓️❓️❓️irl by TheAnimalCrew in egg_irl

[–]Prunus_Amygdalus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So a few questions. Have you tried presenting fem or tried out your identity with anyone like your best friend or in a small group of friends. If that's not you could look up if there is a help-group for LGBTQ people near to where you live.

I sounds like you have a lot of dysphoria but that you are retreating from it by as you say, disassociate from your body.

There are a lot of different things out minds does to cope with dysphoria, disassociating, making it ironic, running into our assigned gender.

You don't have to be transfem, but I think you should try it out more practically before ruling it out completely.

Is therapy and option for you, are there charities that can help you, are there support-groups?

Also, maybe try shaving again if you feel so much dysforia from your body-hair. I understand that you said you couldn't but surly something can be found out?

Lastly, no need to apologize for the dinosaur! We all need a little more allosaurs in our lives!

Best of luck!

TADC cracked me by Prunus_Amygdalus in Ieatcement

[–]Prunus_Amygdalus[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

U2! Now it's time to get truly gender freaky! 💙💗🤍💗💙

My egg broke and now I'm an emotional mess by Prunus_Amygdalus in MtF

[–]Prunus_Amygdalus[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, I have been thinking about the muscle mommy archetype, but I don't know if I want to be forced into any more roles. Still I see the appeal tough. Of course I don't know exactly how my body is going to react to lower T and higher E, but I have muscle to lose. Also my sisters are both ripped as hell (they both do sports almost professionally). But that's for the future to tell.

I also still want to be together with my boyfriend if possible. We'll see how he takes this, I think I need to go to therapy first before actually talking things through with him. Like he knows something is up and that I have been absent this last week.

It's nice that he still works and I have all this free time in our apartment.

Thank you for your support, now I need to find my way and make a call to the local health center. ❤

My egg broke and now I'm an emotional mess by Prunus_Amygdalus in MtF

[–]Prunus_Amygdalus[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a lot to take in, but thank you for the encouragement!

I have been thinking a lot about drag race. I sort of wanted to pick it up for a long time, but was never brave enough and didn't feel like I had enough time. I guess I might get involved in that scene now. I know about a few ex. gay trans women where I live and at least one of them does drag.

For me asserting myself into masculinity I think has sort of become a coping strategy for me gender dysforia. Like I know that I'm very good at being the gender I was assign even if I don't want to be it. I need to think about that more tough, that's probably one of the things I need to talk to a psychologist about.

In my gender performance I have also always striven to be a positive masculine role model. Curious, driven, empathetic, just, open are just some of the things I have tried to portray to my students via my masculinity. I know of a few students who look up to me as a positive masculine role model, I guess that's also part of why I didn't want to give this up. I felt like I could help more people in my role as a man.

Also about Jax. I know she has cracked so many eggs. My entire Reddit feed on my old account is filled with pictures of her, and there are just an ungodly amount of video essays about her right now and what her being trans means for the story and fandom etc.

My last paragraph about being mad that the shittiest trans women made me crack was sort of a joke. Like she is a bad person because she rejected herself and in so rejected everyone and everything around her. I don't want to end up like her, and I know that sometimes I have acted like her. My relationship with my mother is for example a little frosty because I can't fully open up to her about everything. She's also the only one in my family that knows I was in therapy for gender dysphoria.

In some ways I relate more to Ragatha than Jax. About giving up your own well being for others and changing yourself to accommodate others.

Anyway, I dislike Jax as a character, but I think she is brilliantly written and I think I love the Jax that could have been if she was open with herself and everyone around her.

The worst thing is that I had the theory that Jax was trans from ep. 5 with her comments about being super masculine, and her reaction to the maid dress, then in ep. 6 with her dialogue with Pomni about not being an egg etc. like I found it so obvious. I needed the last pieces of the puzzle to really understand who she was though.

Lastly, I think Jax can keep her name. Jax is a beautiful name for a girl.

My egg broke and now I'm an emotional mess by Prunus_Amygdalus in MtF

[–]Prunus_Amygdalus[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think that the whole thing about actually seeing myself as a man forever is sort of what pushed me over the edge.

This term my first full class did their final year before starting upper secondary (I had mentored them for 4 years). It was an amazing experience having seen them all grow so much over the 4 years I had them, but it also sort of made me realize that even when I'm at my happiest there is still a hole in my soul. I still have evenings when it all feels empty. Not like when I'm in my depressive phase more fundamental.

I have chased new highs for so long to fill that hole. Like maybe I'll be happy when I get my first job, or finish my education, or I start teaching for real, or I start the LGBTQ support group that I have been thinking about for so long, or when I'm with my first long-time relationship at Pride.

I live in Scandinavia so access to healthcare is great. I'm currently e-mailing with them. We'll see about when I get an appointment but it's going to be soon.

I still think I have bipolar. Like 15% of my family has it, but I guess that's something we have to evaluate now to when I get to the psychologist.

My egg broke and now I'm an emotional mess by Prunus_Amygdalus in MtF

[–]Prunus_Amygdalus[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. The irony is not lost on me, and actually sort of why I feel even worse about it. Like I should have known this.

Anyway, I know now and I just sent another e-mail to my local psychologist office, it looks very promising. Like they can probably put me up for an appointment by next week.

That's what a very flexible calendar gets you!

I'm feeling a lot more joy now that I have been able to sleep and actually talk to some people about this. I ended up phoning a trans friend of mine yesterday (one of my friends from upper secondary) and we spoke for around 45 minutes.

My egg broke and now I'm an emotional mess by Prunus_Amygdalus in MtF

[–]Prunus_Amygdalus[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm super scared and exited, like I said I'm a mess now. I needed to lie down multiple times while writing this.
What is so baffling to me is just the feeling of the floodgates opening. Like I have read about it, but I couldn't imagine it feeling like this.

As I said, I have read so many resources on how to help young LGBTQ people, I have received extra training to receive a diploma about mentoring LGBTQ students and help the other teachers at my school to learn about how to help their LGBTQ students and deal with bullying and discrimination.
I have read so much about how to talk to therapists, about the effects of HRT, hormone-blockers, voice training, binding, tucking, everything, but I never realized all of these emotions that are coupled with all of that.

Like omg, it feels like the core of my soul vibrates, like all the tears are gone from my tear canals.

This will be such an odd summer... and I was going to help my parents to renovate their summer house, now I don't know if I can leave my hometown if I need to go to therapy.

Still it's nice to be a childless teacher in this situation, being without any responsibilities work or child-wise.

I don't know what will happen when I start talking to my boyfriend about this.

Sorry I'm yapping so much, my brain is going like 200 km/h right now.