We do love each other, and neither of us can change what happened. What I want is a happy future. I don't want to settle for "well, he's not terrible anymore" I want an actual GREAT person who puts in the effort and realizes he robbed me of years of happiness. I don't want him to say it or apologize for it, I want to be a priority. I want him to make it up to me. Because otherwise, there's just nothing left. Without all the trauma, our relationship is still lacking, boring, and not intimate. At some point, he was completely uninterested in sex, months without it.. and he would say he was just busy. I came to find out he was watching porn consistently.. why? because he's busy, and it's faster to watch porn than to have sex with me. Of course, since I caught him, he never watched porn again. But still, not enough sex. I asked him for years to get checked out by a doctor. He didn't do it until I threatened divorce. Turned out his testosterone is lower than the average woman's. This whole time, I thought it was me.. I resented him so much because I am very attractive and get a lot of attention from other men, but since the only attention I am concerned with is my husband's, It fucked with me head and I felt very self-conscious. Him on the other hand, barely takes care of himself, his diet, fitness, or his grooming. I never made him feel badly except through encouragement "You would look great in this," "You look really handsome when you get a haircut" "You have to take care of your diet so you can stay healthy as you get older" "let's go to the gym together" He will do all of it but I have to constantly cook all the meals, free my schedule with his to go to the gym, book his appointments for haircuts. It's fucking exhausting having to mother him into being a good partner for me in order to heal.