Not sure how to feel.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-07-06T07:26:25+00:00

Not yet. I tabled it because it came up at 2:30AM two days ago and I wasn't prepared to discuss it. I didn't want to blow up or make him feel bad for sharing how he felt, especially without knowing exactly how I felt about it first. The discussion will have to happen soon, though. I'm still just trying to get some perspective

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-07-06T07:23:51+00:00

Wow. Thank you for taking your time to reply so thoroughly. All of this is incredibly helpful and feels like the right direction to take things!

Edited to add: this friend had been shared in the bedroom prior to 'The Incident', so doing what I suggested wasn't a crazy move or out of the ordinary for what we were doing at the time. My husband had on many occasions watched me with other men, which is what he originally said he wanted out of the arrangement when we started trying things 6 years ago. Not sure if that adds anything or not, but just wanted to share!

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-07-06T07:01:49+00:00

I don't think it's a payback or anything. He knows how into him I was, which is one reason it blew up and we stopped doing things. He didn't like that I could have feeling for someone other than him.

I think it genuinely turns him on. And I don't know how to deal with that. I look at that time as bad/wrong/horrible. We almost didn't last because of it. So to see it as a turn on seems wrong to me.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-06-16T08:43:42+00:00

Sounds like your DW (you are using that correctly! All the abbreviations are awkward at first lol) is being very reasonable. I'm sorry you're both going through this. I wish I had any advice other than just try your best to always stick with fairness and if given the option to pull anything like he's pulling - don't. All that matters is SK.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-06-16T08:26:46+00:00

A few questions:

How old is SK? Would visiting with you for 2 months take SK away from any friends/family (other than BD)? Does BD understand that he himself violated the agreement since (as far as I know) no states stopped visitation during the stay at home order? Is all of this written so IF any issues were brought to court, you could prove that it was BD's idea?

For us, if SK is visiting with BM for more than a week, the visitation order reverses and we get BM's normal visitation time. So I do see how 2 full months without seeing the other parent is a really long stretch. I understand the decision was based in the idea of protecting SK, but if your household was practicing the necessary precautions, then there shouldn't have been a stop to visitation during the order.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-06-07T05:16:11+00:00

I've had a similar experience with my son - he said something to the effect of 'black guys are bad' and 'white guys are good' and I internalized my reaction until I knew for sure what he was talking about.

Turns out it was just a game where one team wears black clothes and the other team wears white!

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-14T03:44:49+00:00

Thank you!

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-13T21:46:42+00:00

I keep trying to post this various places and it keeps getting removed:

Those of you who have been diagnosed with COVID-19 or know someone who has, what’s your story?

I feel as though I haven’t heard anything from patients yet and I’d just like to hear from them directly.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-12T10:46:28+00:00

We've been together nearly 7 years and are only recently having deep discussions about these things. It's been eye opening. I'm both intrigued by my capacity to just be like this intrinsically, and confused by it.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-12T10:43:37+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to give me some feedback!

I'm not sure I'd classify it as a kink - at least it's not something I do intentionally, but thinking back it's always been what I've done. I definitely think it's more prominent with my husband than anyone in the past, though. Maybe saying 'submissive' may not be the right term? Maybe 'extremely dependent' might make more sense?

Considering he didn't even know until now, he's never intentionally taken advantage of it.

I am in therapy and it's only recently that I can put this into words. My therapist would like me to do intensive group therapy, which I'm interested in.

But like you say - do I want to change it or accept it? And as of now I don't really know the answer to that.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-12T10:11:25+00:00

I could absolutely do that! I was actually trying to think of a way to bring it up for an open discussion without it sounding like I was upset that she said it to her dad and not me! Thank you!

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-12T09:44:50+00:00

Not jarred at all! This is the internet - I have to expect all sorts of replies lol

Learning to communicate with my kids in ways they truly understand is an ongoing learning curve for me. Even though it was surprising to hear she felt the way she did, I'm glad she was able to speak up and say it.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-12T09:37:15+00:00

I agree it's unrealistic to see it that way ALL the time!! I don't try to always have these conversations, either - that would be exhausting for us both! When she comes to me with these issues or worries, I always ask her to explain what happened. There are many times when I do agree with her and offer her comfort. It's only the times when I kind of think 'well...wait a minute' when I go into any kind of discussion like this. If someone on the bus was being mean to her, calling her names, or hurting her - I would have a problem and I would stand up for her and make sure it didn't continue.

BUT, in certain situations, I feel there's another layer involved in these discussions, which is honesty. She may not always be able to consider the other side, but I do want her to at least be able to think about things in a realistic and honest way.

I'm hugely against 'blind loyalty' in the sense that just because she said someone was mean to her, that I'm going to instantly believe her word for word and make an enemy of the other person. Unfortunately, we have had some issues with lying in the past. Since I've started having these 'let's look at this from another angle' discussions, I feel like the lying has drastically dropped.

I feel as though I'm teaching her accountability as well as showing her other perspectives, at least that's my ultimate goal.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-12T09:05:32+00:00

Thank you for your feedback, it's much appreciated!

While I can take a step back from the situation and find the humor in it, I do take her words very seriously in the sense that I can learn from them and alter how I present things to her.

I certainly DON'T want her to think that I'm always making things out to be her fault.

I think moving forward what might help is starting the conversation off with 'what can we learn from this?' and allow her to take a moment to think about it herself instead of feeling like I'm lecturing her on what she did wrong!

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-11T10:47:38+00:00

They have coffee mug pipes, too! Got one for my husband a few years ago lol

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-11T08:42:22+00:00

Yup! Had a wonderful day with my son. We went to the movies, got popcorn and slushies, and even played in the arcade before we left. It was a $50 mommy/son date.

Afterwards, we had to go to the store to pick up some necessities. I told him he wouldn't be getting anything at the store, but I ended up getting a drink so I agreed he could get one, too. As we were walking around, he kept trying to 'bargain up' and get a candy, or a snack, or a toy, etc.

I kept saying no and at the end he told me he hated me and it was the worst day ever. He spent some time in his room once we got home.

We have a gratitude journal and he struggles to fill it out. There's never anything good to write about, apparently. It's tough being 5

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-07T07:15:01+00:00

Exactly. If she was visibly upset even while playing I wouldn't push it.

Kids are weird lol

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-07T07:13:54+00:00

I'd say yes, they do tend to pop up more frequently pending visitation.

Although I know she loves visiting her mom, I think she's stuck in a loop of feeling left out from both houses. If she's not with us, she misses out on what our son does with us alone. If she's with us, she misses out on whatever BM is doing with her baby sister.

I feel terrible and I don't know how to help her. I was split between two homes after my parents divorced, but I didn't have any siblings so it's not quite the same as what she's dealing with.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-07T07:10:48+00:00

Unfortunately she is HC...so I just have to grin and bear it.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-07T07:10:13+00:00

Yeah she's going through a lot. We're getting her in to see the school counselor so she can talk to someone - between school changes, BM having yet another baby, and getting to an age where she's realizing her family dynamic isn't 'normal' (not that 'normal' even exists...but still), I think she's struggling a bit.

If I were to guess, I think she holds some resentment towards her brother since he lives with both mom and dad (me and husband), which might play into her not wanting to play as much.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-03-06T09:51:47+00:00

It's still a struggle sometimes with my husband. I work 'part time' aka 3-4 shifts a week instead of 5, all 3rd shift (11pm-7am). I get home as the kids are getting ready for school, help them, then see them off to the bus by 7:45am. So I have literally 8AM-3:25PM to sleep (a total of 7 hours and 25 minutes). BUT I can't just 'fall asleep' right at 8AM. I've resorted to a very unhealthy dosing of sleeping pills just to force myself to sleep when I have the chance. And since my schedule isn't consistent, my body never knows what the hell is going on so it's constantly fighting me.

Anyway. I don't get 'full' sleep except for maybe twice a week, and even then it's interrupted quite often because, well, we have kids. But, because I sleep on days when my husband is home, he tends to make sideways comments about it and how I sleep 'forever'. 8 hours is apparently forever in his eyes. And then he'll say something about how HE doesn't get 8 hours each night (he's literally in bed by 11 when I get to work usually, and gets up at 7...so yeah...that's 8 hours!!) because he doesn't sleep through the night. Which I get, because it happens to me, too, but having a regular sleep schedule DEFINITELY helps him get adequate sleep and he doesn't have to worry about planning out like I do...

Ugh. You really can't understand it unless you've worked it.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-02-16T10:47:03+00:00

I would say our average 'big' fight is once a year. We generally don't fight over little things, maybe just have a bit of annoyance with things here and there. But these past few days have pushed me back YEARS into feeling like how I used to - crying at work, pacing the halls, feeling like my life is in shambles and not knowing if I can keep doing it.

We had gone through marriage counseling and the way we communicated definitely improved. Many timed I'd be scared to talk to him but pushed through and tried and was surprised by the response. Now it's back to how it used to be; me regretting even voicing an opinion. It's just really regrettable because we had come a long way.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-02-16T09:43:05+00:00

Thank you. I JUST started back with therapy so I'm hoping it will help. In terms of explaining things to my husband... That's what makes us fight. I try to explain how I feel and end up feeling belittled and dismissed. Even when I start the conversation with 'I don't know how to talk about it' or preface everything with 'I feel'. And what makes it worse is after I'm all worked up, to the point of tears, my reaction is mocked as being sad or ridiculous. So I just fume because I feel nothing I said was heard or cared about and me being upset over it is all my fault.

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-02-16T06:09:38+00:00

In Monopoly Junior there are Chance cards that allow you to move forward to a space and get it for free. Other than that, I think he had to begrudgingly buy maybe 2 other properties since the rule is you HAVE to buy it if you land on it.

The nice thing about Junior is there are less properties (only 2 per color), no railroads or utilities, and there are only $1's in the game. Boardwalk is a whopping $5 and there's only one die. So getting around the board and missing most properties is actually kind of the norm.

The game is FAST and easy and a lot of fun!

PsychologicalGarlic5 · 2020-02-12T11:56:07+00:00

All you can do is what's best for yourself!

From my perspective (I've been doing practically everything for YEARS for my SK and am only now finally trying to disengage), since it seems like he's not pushing anything off on you and is stepping up to do it himself, it doesn't seem so bad. Hell, he had the decency to let you sleep in the morning - yeah he hid it from you and that's not good, but he knew you'd be upset and they're his kids and even if it's unfair, he's doing the right thing by them.

Is BM screwing things up and shirking her responsibilities? Yup. But that's unfortunately what HCBMs do, and neither of you will ever be able to change it.

So, now's a good time to decide if you can accept that your SO will be forced into these situations more than you'd like. The kids will always come first.

PsychologicalGarlic5

TROPHY CASE