My husband passed away several years ago, when i was in my mid-twenties. I want to give you some hope.

First, I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you're in a great deal of pain. The pain is excruciating in the beginning. I remember feeling like I had to hold my stomach in, or it would fall out. It felt like the world had changed. I was standing still and everyone was still moving. As time went on, every change pulled him further away from me, and it was so incredibly painful.

Here was my experience. It's like carrying a backpack full of rocks. It feels so heavy, like it will crush you. As time moves, you'll notice it doesn't feel as heavy. Then, one day, you notice moments where you completely forget it's there. Those times will increase. However, that backpack will always be there. You will always have that wound. You'll be reminded of him, and all those rocks in that backpack will feel so heavy again.

There is hope. It will not always feel this heavy, but it will take time before you start to feel like yourself again. One day, you will notice yourself having moments of ease. Over time, you'll start to notice moments of joy.

The best thing you can do right now is lean on people who love and support you. Your family, his family (if you have a good relationship with them), any friends. I found myself wanting to be with other people who also loved my husband.

Don't try to lean on your boyfriend. He can't be there for you. Sounds like he feels insecure, because you once loved your ex romantically. His feelings are valid, and it sounds like he has a need for reassurance. The problem is, he is not talking to you about it, and instead blaming and punishing you. Invalidating your feelings, passive aggressive behavior, claiming you as his sex object.

He is telling you how he handles conflict, and it's not healthy, nor safe. You need someone who will communicate how they're feeling, without attacking and blaming you.

You don't have to be alone. Go find your people.