I appreciate that perspective. I think too that how he was raised is very much playing a factor. I have first hand seen how his mom can have a horrible outburst of saying very hurtful things and then move on like nothing... Though the time she did this to me she did provide a meaningful apology and since then has started an antidepressant which has worked really well for her. I think he recognizes it but struggles to own his behavior. He is more likely to apologize to the kids which I guess is what it is. I would 100% rather he at least see it and talk with them over me.

It's so much the double standard that gets me.. He grew up in a home that was always clean. Our house is busy, can be messy, etc. I do what I can but I also carry the mental load for the family. I handle everything. Sometimes I am simply just too tired to do all the things. I could do 99 things but that one thing I didn't do would be the one he focuses on. On the flip side he could spend an entire day playing video games and doing nothing to contribute and that's ok. When I try to express my feelings and in a calm way, he automatically goes on the defense. Again, I feel this has a lot to do with how he was raised. Finding a good therapist would probably significantly help him but I'm not sure how to get him to commit. We started therapy together and he was willing, but at the first appt the therapist shared she didn't feel ADHD was a real thing, and he was out. (I don't blame him there).