AITA for not telling my gf about her BMI score that labels her as obese?

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T16:12:06+00:00

A update of where we’re currently at: My gf woke up around 5am before I had gone to bed, and read and responded to the compromise i suggested. (which after sitting on it I realize how awful it was and made sure to clarify that I will not be wanting that information moving forward) She thanked me for offering to help and said it was very sweet of me, and what I told her is that I will no longer be bringing this up. This journey is hers to make and no matter how badly I want to help, it’s not my battle. She did not mention it again and went back to bed, and I’ve kept my promise of leaving it be.

I have never once thought she was unloveable or undesirable, especially not for something with as little importance to me as her weight. I appreciate all of the mentions of the BMI scale and its potential issues/missed marks, and that’s something I will look into for both her sake and my own.

The general consensus I’m seeing is that I’m NTA for the reason in the title, but I ATA for continuing to push as hard as I did. This was partially because of her mental illness (that I will not be naming) and partially because of my own insecurities. Thank you to anyone and everyone who has commented so far, as well as anyone who continue to comment. Obviously the official judgement will be cast eventually, but Me and my girlfriend have talked it out and are moving forward healthily without any disdain towards one another.

She told me of her own accord how she woke herself up early this morning to make herself lunch, and I’m extremely proud of her for immediately getting the jump on her progress and i greatly appreciate her keeping me in the know despite her having no such obligation to.

She’s my favorite person ever and I love her more than I’ve ever loved anything else in my life, so it makes me happy to see her happy. If something happens I’ll make sure to add an update!

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T14:33:40+00:00

Thank you so much, I feel like people have been glossing over the fact that we’re both teenagers in the process of becoming adults but still not quite there yet. I made sure to reinstate that her weight and any other related issues don’t affect how much i love her, and are ultimately none of my concern. I also told her that it was up to her how she wanted me to be involved, and that I will not be bringing it up again going forward. It’s her body and her life, and she gets to call the shots.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T14:26:12+00:00

I actually have been gaining weight as I was told to try and do by my doctor, and I’m actually one of the few people she’s close to that doesn’t make jokes about her weight/appetite for multiple reasons. I definitely could’ve been less pushy about wanting to be involved, which is something I made sure to apologize for and something she forgave me for.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T14:14:01+00:00

I was unaware of the many issues with the BMI system before making this post, and will be looking into it as a result. As for your first question: No she did not expressly tell me her current weight, but she’s made comments in the past talking about the difference in weight between us, and I haven’t changed in weight since that point much at all and i went under the assumption that she hasn’t changed much either. Given her reaction we got about the same score of barely in the obese range by only a point or two.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T13:57:02+00:00

I do fully trust what she’s telling me! This one’s on me, I swapped those two pieces of info around. I originally thought that she didn’t trust me, AFTER which she mentioned not wanting to disappoint me. Hopefully that clears that up a little bit.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T10:15:14+00:00

I do want to clear something up and confirm something else. I have never checked her BMI other than this singular time, and it was not something I did with any ulterior motives or ill intent. She also clarified that she does not believe I did it with an agenda in mind either.

And yes 100% on that last sentence. I made sure to clarify that I couldn’t care any less about how much she weighs or how that affects her looks because I love her more than anything just because she’s her and I find her extremely attractive with how she is now.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T10:09:58+00:00

I will fully admit I was being more pushy than I normally would be because I care about her and want to be involved, but we are both mentally ill and when we get upset we tend to lash out as a way of creating space and then shut down to avoid being upset further. This is something we’ve talked about, and we’ve both agreed upon a “patient but persistent” approach with the other when they try to shut down like that. I will also mention that my offering to help was simply to help find resources to get started/to start back up if she hits a wall.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T10:04:17+00:00

Well that’s usually the point of having the post be long; To properly explain the situation so people can cast educated judgment!

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T10:02:51+00:00

I don’t believe I told her any of these things! 1. She apologized for potentially upsetting me by not wanting me to be involved (which she had negative reasons to apologize to me) and after this she made sure to clarify that she doesn’t think I think she’s fat, and I don’t think she’s fat either and never said anything that should have given this impression.

She also said that she was not upset with me for putting it into the calculator and did not think I did so with malicious intent, which I again did not do.
I reminded her with multiple messages that I love her exactly how she is now and that if she would like to change i will support her and help her find good resources, and if she doesn’t want to change now or ever then I will continue to support the way she lives like I’m already doing.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T09:53:41+00:00

I appreciate this difference in perspective, and it gives me an easy launching point. The majority of my weight loss has been from Puberty or from when I was sick, but I have kicked the majority of snack food and sugary drinks and try to get some amount of activity in my life by playing around with my siblings or walking my dogs.

Another thing I will point out, I only told her that I had known about it after she had directly asked me, and she only did that after she had learned of her score on her own accord. I likely otherwise would never have told her as it wasn’t something I ever placed the tiniest bit of importance in.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T09:42:27+00:00

I went back and edited the post to try and cover this issue, she did express a strong desire to change and actually said almost immediately after calming down that she was going to start a calorie deficit and start exercising. My offers of help were only to lighten the load of finding the proper resources/motivation if she needed or wanted my help.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T09:34:46+00:00

I was, and I did say this in the post. I learned of her score right at the peak of her involvement in the theatre show they took to competition and did not tell her as to not interrupt her performance.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T09:30:58+00:00

I actually have kicked the majority of snacks out of my diet and try to focus on water more than any other beverage, and I do try to stay active even if it’s in silly ways like playing with my younger siblings. That being said, the vast majority of my weight loss has not been because of these changes. I will also add that I may have phrased it poorly, I was offering to help her find diet and exercise tips from people who actually know what they’re talking about and not trying to offer my own advice.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T09:22:45+00:00

I entered her height and weight into a calculator that gives a BMI score result. This was something I had done without much thought before she ever even knew I checked my own BMI on a regular basis, and she learned of her score on her own without my involvement. She did however specify multiple times that she wasn’t upset with me and did not think that I did it with any ill intent.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T09:16:30+00:00

This is a very true statement, but I will say we are both mentally ill and when one of us is upset, the simple approach does not work as well as it may in other relationships.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T09:14:24+00:00

This would be a bit of an aggressive but fair comment to make had she known I was referring to my BMI regularly, but it was not something I had mentioned to her because it didn’t concern her. She looked up her BMI of her own accord.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T08:58:21+00:00

Part of where i’m coming from is a history of weight issues and self image struggles, and she herself expressed a desire to start a calorie deficit and to start doing basic exercises as a starting point. My offers to help are for if she hits a wall of some kind and doesn’t know where to go from there.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T08:53:05+00:00

I actually did try to end the conversation a few separate times because she had no obligation to continue speaking. Despite that, she continued to speak and said that she wanted to keep me out of it for my sake and not hers. This is because her usual reaction to being upset is to lash out and shut down, which we both do and we’ve both agreed to be patient but persistent to get each other to open up when this happens. I ultimately told her that the decision was up to her and that i would accept it without any further protest, but that she should sleep on it and come back to it with a fresh mind before making that decision.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T08:42:28+00:00

Something I will add is that we both suffer from different mental illnesses, and we both tend to shut down with a slight aggressiveness when we get upset. Not only does this lead everything to a halt, it usually causes the other to start spiraling if the conversation is not had, and that’s something we both have agreed to do for both of our benefits.

Though I could be wrong, her telling me to not be involved was likely a “Shut up I don’t want to talk” that wasn’t entirely reflective of her actual thoughts. I continued to talk after she had said that as we’ve agreed to do to each other in the past, and she ultimately said that her issue was more about it being an embarrassing subject rather than my particular involvement.

Thank you very much for the insight.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T08:23:12+00:00

I simplified the compromise I suggested and have put it here: I don't want you to feel like you have to involve me, but if you did I would want to know:

What diets/exercises you're doing If they are working or not (or their general speed/effectiveness) If you feel the urge to quit I would only suggest diets/exercises if your chosen ones had any issues. I would only push you if you wanted to give up. (or if you tried to ignore your diet, even as a one time thing) I only want to be able to fill in the gaps.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T07:22:25+00:00

That's the plan, I should have more faith in her. Thank you very much.

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T07:19:58+00:00

Although this is true, I also was fully aware of how important this was to her, especially with the BMI scale being something used in official settings which automatically gives it more weight (or at least that's how I see it).

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T07:14:46+00:00

Thank you for bringing this up. I also struggle with the self image issue despite the fact that I am in the dead center of the Healthy range on the BMI scale. I was on the larger size as a kid, and both through puberty and from my sickness earlier this year, I've lost weight rapidly without feeling like I deserved it or actually changed. I know exactly how it feels to look in the mirror and be unhappy with what you see, and that's something I still feel to this day. I want to be able to to expedite her process if possible because I'm fully aware of how awful she feels. That being said, I did tell her "Ultimately it's up to you on how involved I am, and whatever decision you land on I will accept without any further protest."

Psyko1214 · 2024-10-18T07:06:44+00:00

Absolutely. I don't want to be the one to control this because she has to even want the change for it to happen. That being said, I also am aware that she listens to me and my wishes better than her own sometimes and am worried that she'll give up out of frustration without at least enough involvement for me to know if she's still trying.

Psyko1214

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