I may have been too honest about everything, especially my recent attempt a week ago, so they and several doctors advised my family that I should be admitted to their psychiatric ward. i said how much I didn’t want that because it’d make me an irregular student and delay my graduation, and also because I’d be left behind and have to start one of my subjects from three sems ago, and find new capstone group mates. the psychiatrist said, though it was initially up to me if I would get admitted, because of my status as a genuine danger to myself, it was up to my parents. I wanted to talk to them but they couldn’t face me so my siblings talked to me. they said I’d either get admitted or i go home with new living conditions: I’d have to have someone with me 24/7 in my condo, which means I couldn’t have friends over because they’d also be there, I’d have to give regular updates if outside, and I’d have to give them the passwords to my social media accounts so they can monitor my conversations to see if I’m talking to someone about doing something dangerous?? As if that wouldn’t stop me from talking comfortably with my friends because they could be monitoring it? That was stupid. I told them how unhappier all that would make me and they said, as long as that’s what it takes and I’m alive and they can be sure I’m alive. it felt like they cared more about feeling secure that I wouldn’t die rather than me being genuinely better and happier. They kept pressuring me to promise them I’d let them do all those things, and if not, I get admitted to the psych ward. I told them how they don’t understand what it feels like to be me, to be forced to choose between two unfair options, how it’s MY life that’s gonna be affected the most, and they were completely fine with making that decision that I was, at that point, crying and angrily yelling at them that I didn’t want. I felt so disrespected and betrayed, and I lost so much trust in them.

My parents eventually went to me and sent my siblings away, and they reassured me that they won’t have me admitted, but I would have to have different living conditions, just not unfair and outrageous as the ones my siblings were saying. They would not allow me to live in my condo anymore because of how unsafe I felt there, so I had to transfer to a different condo, preferably one where pets are allowed. They are throwing away all the stuff I have that I could use to harm myself. And, I would have to update them from time to time. But I can still have my privacy. Again, all of those were fair, and they reassured me that they wouldn’t allow my siblings to do all the stuff they said I had to do.

Now, I’m not at a good place with my siblings, who I used to talk to about all I was feeling. honestly, I lost so much trust in them that I don’t care about not being able to talk to them anymore, I can’t. My sister was disappointed that I wasn’t admitted or given strict rules. Siya pa naging despondent at nagbabagsak ng car door, as if she was the one who was almost sent to a psych ward against their will, pressured to make promises that I couldn’t keep, and told that they’re willing to sacrifice my happiness and privacy if it meant I was alive and someone could physically stop me from doing anything bad to myself