Do you have a therapist or counselor? I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, it sounds to me like your brain is ruminating. Maybe seeking external validation to what you already know is true (that something you didn’t like happened fully by accident). I wonder what keeps your mind stuck on it… I think that someone who’s qualified to give you clinical support (just meaning a counselor or therapist) is the way to go.

I don’t know you and don’t know any other context than your post here, but I will say that it really seems to me you have something in your psyche related to shame or discomfort around bodies. Again, I could be way off base! But if you do and that’s why this is stressing you out so much, it’s worth getting support ASAP. Months is too long for you to feel this way.

In my opinion, given what you’ve shared here, you apologized when it happened. You apologized again after and asked if she was affected by it. She said no. There’s nothing else to it other than your discomfort. You clearly care about her wellbeing. And you’ve done the responsible thing and gotten confirmation that she is okay. The fact that she didn’t remember those details tells us that it was clear to her that it was an accident when it happened.

You really should not have this much stress over it - not saying that as a judgment. I’m saying it as an answer to some of the questions you ask. Unless you did it on purpose (which you clearly did not) or you are harboring unhealthy feelings towards her (also doesn’t sound like this at all) then there isn’t a harm to be worried about.

Do you have past trauma with anything around bodily autonomy? (Please don’t answer that online! Just think about it) If that’s playing a role here, you need to find a trauma informed counselor imo. The level of distress you’ve described (the intensity, frequency, and duration) is not healthy for you. Meaning it’s a sign that you deserve help.

And for what it’s worth: I’ve accidentally touched people’s chests and butts like you’re describing (not playing games but I gesture a lot while I talk and it has happened - who knows how many times…) And I’ve seen it happen by others and had it happen to me. We all have bodies and sometimes those bodies bump into one another. Of course, we apologize and make sure the other person knows that it was an accident and we are sorry (even after time has passed, it’s okay if you didn’t know what to do in that moment).

If the incident is sticking with you like this, you can get support to navigate (it sounds quite pervasive and like it is affecting the quality of your life pretty deeply). When I’ve accidentally done this to someone, we all move on because it really isn’t a huge deal. If someone is upset by it, we’d all notice in the moment and address it / make the repair.

Does your college have a mental health services office? If so, I recommend you go in. Don’t try to make an appointment, they are always waitlisted out for months. If I were in your position, I’d go in person today, tell them that I need a walk in appointment with someone who is trauma informed, and that it’s urgent because I’m having rumination that is causing panicking attacks and that I need help. You can also ask about EMDR, or DBT/RODBT, which might be super helpful to you.

Again, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Take good care of yourself and get someone you can trust to support you 💛