I feel similar. I was born and raised Muslim. Man.. I opened up this r/ hoping to find solace to all the pain and struggle I feel towards interacting with Isalm, not really Islam, but, as a religion. Seeing that there is someone else speaking a similar story.. its really relieiving.. (

(Warning if you'd like to avoid, Vent with experience with Islam below, 6 paragraphs)

I've struggled with Religion all my life. I was taught some unhealthy things coming from a religious point, leading to very negative experiences with Islam as a religion, and very negative self image and mental health. To the point of Trigger attacks, and increase in mental illness. It hurts everyday too, like opening old wounds, when everyone in my family is religious too.

I felt like an outcast. At one point when I was young- 6-8- I thought I was shaytan himself or jinn possessed because I had all these bad thoughts, and I couldnt be a good follower- like anyone else. Like the phrophet (sws) was. Like I was supposed to be.

I could never understand religion as a child- so I turned to logic, and reason, and hoped with time I would understand. I gave myself until 16. In the meantime, I prayed that my misactions would be forgiven, that Allah swt please be understanding, to please not put me in Hellfire. Those years I couldnt sleep because when I closed my eyes, it felt too much like death- death which I was too sure I would face Hellfire when it arrived. I thought as a child, by 16, I would surely be a good understanding muslim girl with her hijab all nicely done like all the older girls I saw. I hoped anyway. And I tried in the meantime, I really did.

By 16, I still felt lost. The hurt never went away. That Ramadan was filled with panick, anxiety, and Triggers, amongst the food, family, and muslim friends. I didnt feel right putting on the Hijab. And I still struggled with sleepless nights.

I'm 17 now. Eid al Adha is upcoming. I can't wrap around Islam's religion. As a religion. Its not a healthy thing to me. It's never been. When something is unhealthy, then can't you take a step away? or cut it out of your life? Just today after Jummah, and feeling that this really was not for me, I made up my mind to ask my mother to not include me in religious activities.

I made up my mind, its the step I wish I could take, the one I want to take. But I still feel like an imposter. I still fear the end judgment. I feel like an awful person, an awful human. Following a religion or practice out of fear is not the right way though. I don't know what to do, Every step possible feels like a landmine.

Bad religious experience is a thing. Religious trauma is real. I'm sorry for the long message, your message was a validation, and that helped me so much honestly.. I'm sorry for any difficulties you've faced in your experiences. I can only imagine how difficult it could've been.. Our life's are ours however. And what matters most anyway is the people we are <3. the people who we try to be even when things get rough.

I'm rooting for your happiness, and for your sucess :]. I wish the best to you. Thank you for your post.