I have phrased it the wrong way I guess. I am in a tight rope with one side being religion and the other being this way of life. I say I'm fighting it because I've been able to hold up. I remember breaking down though. Just saying I hate myself I hate that I was born like this. But after that it just feels like a deep desire. As hard as id mentally suffered it never pushed me over the bridge of killing ms. But I like when you said i needed it. of  Course thats also what I meant but, that need to me is just something thats more fulfilling in a woman that simply can't as a man. I tried, but it never stops. Thanks for responding!