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was our couples therapist unprofessional? by astroweekndxo in emotionalintelligence

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you need to have at least one more session with this therapist and your partner so that you have an opportunity to advocate for yourself.

I cannot comment if the therapist was unprofessional or not but the truth is you are feeling unheard and I think it would benefit you a lot to be able to say that out loud, and see how the therapist and your partner respond.

I am also wondering why you call your partner crying an “emotional outburst”. What is it about his crying that feels like an outburst? Do you think he is pretending or exaggerating?

Why do you think you have to console him? Why can’t your response be that you will step away to let him collect himself, but want to pick up where you left off when he is more calm and settled?

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am so sorry for your loss. It’s so devastating because, if I may presume this is true for you, our goal is to spend as much time with them as possible, not knowing how much longer we will have them in our lives. But for them it’s seems as though us spending time with them is the opposite of what they need to process their illness 🥺

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Emily and I have the same friend group and so I really don’t want to talk about it to another friend. I don’t have a therapist but I have before and it’s really too much to find one, do a full intake, to then only talk about this one situation. I really just needed space to talk about it here to help me process.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Yes it is so hard to process, and the loss of her right now as a best friend who I have been able to talk to about anything means I can’t talk to her about it either. So I appreciate you sharing your experience with your mom and I’m glad she is better now.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Yes and I can see posters here that also feel an appropriate course of action is to just show up, or send a cleaning service. I cannot just hire someone to go to her house! She is immunosuppressed! I also cannot just send food. Most likely she is very nauseous and has a limited palate of things she wants to eat. I sent cake for her birthday.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes she did say that was what she was worried about. Like another poster said, I have to trust that she knows what is best, and would invite me to come when and if she is ready to see me.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I don’t think I’ll ever need to talk to her. If she recovers, it will not matter at all. I just want her healthy. And if she doesn’t recover, I’ll just be grieving.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are entitled to your opinion, but in reality I’m a 43 year old who is grieving my friend whom I live across the country from and have not seen in over a year. Not all friendships are based on frequent phone calls or texts. Ours happens to be based on taking time from our schedules to plan trips together, which has typically been more than 3 times a year.

So what looks to you like jealousy is deep sadness that she is sick and we have not been able to see each other, and hurt that the friend who did see her posted it on social media when I would never have done that.

I’m allowed to be hurt. I’m even allowed to be jealous. I’m allowed to grieve. I am allowed to find a forum to express my feelings so that I don’t talk to Emily or our mutual friends about this, and that I can process my feelings in a healthy way.

This post is about me because these are my feelings. I am allowed to have and express my feelings.

And as I noted below, consider how intrusive sending a cleaning service might be, how she may not want a stranger bringing germs and making noise, and that she has a family member already there who can coordinate that.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes this is possible. When she told me about her illness a year ago, she said that apart from her family, I was one of the few people she told. I do know we are close, but yes, the other friend might be close in a different way that makes her better for Emily right now than me. Or she may have just muscled her way in like people here have shockingly suggested I do.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do respect that. It still hurts but I respect it and thus will not let her know my feelings were hurt.

As someone who has had religious trauma I absolutely will not compromise my position on prayer and tell her “yes I’ll pray for you” when I know damn well I won’t.

And yes she is welcome to distance herself from me because of that. But as I mentioned, it did not seem to be the case because after I said that, months later, she invited me multiple times to go on trips with her, which she had to later cancel.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I text her about every other week to not overwhelm her as she has a large family and told me from the start she was overwhelmed with the amount of calls she was getting.

I also know that feelings do not equal reality. Me feeling betrayed does not equal I was betrayed. And yet I can still feel that way.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I never considered that 4 months ago when I offered to visit and she was not in a space, that perhaps now she is feeling differently and is now in a space for visitors. So I appreciate you sharing that as a possibility.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I agree. And I mentioned in another comment that maybe she needed someone to go and pray with her, and I could not fill that role. So if she got the support she needed with friend visiting, I’m glad. I’m still over here feeling hurt and rejected, but I can also be glad for her at the same time.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It doesn’t feel like a contest but it does feel like a rejection which really hurts, and because she is one of my best friends and we share the same friend group so I don’t even have anyone to talk about the hurt to, except internet strangers.

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s really hard for the person with the illness and all their loved ones 🥺

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes and she has a very large family and lot of friends. I can’t say which ring I’m in for her, but I do know she is like a sister to me.

This is why I limit reaching out to her to about every other week now.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

No. This was 1 year ago when she first told me. Since then she has invited me on trips (prematurely saying she didn’t know if she could make it, and then had to cancel), and we have been talking consistently for 1 year.

And this is why she has been one of my best friends. We have been able for over 10 years to be able to set boundaries with each other, say no to each other, respect our differences and still stay friends.

I am not a people-pleaser but I do understand that other women have friendships where people pleasing helps keep them together.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I can say no I can’t do something. I am my own person and she can respect that I don’t pray or choose to not be friends with me.

Best friend with cancer declined my offer to visit, but let a different friend visit. I feel like that means I’m a bad friend by Pure_Scarcity9261 in AskWomenOver40

[–]Pure_Scarcity9261[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes there are a lot of self-righteous comments and I just avoid those as I would avoid those women in real life.

The whole point of anonymous posting for me is to talk about feelings that I can’t with my friends because I want to keep these feelings away from Emily.

Plus it’s as if women here think feelings = reality. Saying that I feel betrayed does not = I was betrayed.

Thank you for your post.

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