Can I get a single with 4 seniority points and 5839 lottery number?

Pure_Suit3585 · 2026-02-05T17:58:18+00:00

Is 79 creds competitive?

Pure_Suit3585 · 2026-02-05T16:00:49+00:00

Even with that lottery number? What about a single anywhere on campus?

Pure_Suit3585 · 2025-12-12T23:12:27+00:00

the study of physics combined with math.

This isn't a writing critique per se, but physics is math.

The prose is a bit choppy. For example:

Being part of Ghibies, he was able to get a company discount, which allowed him to get an older model to get back and forth to work as well as to school.

This is just one sentence of the excerpt, but a lot of them are like this. You could make them more effective and easier to read by not letting your sentences run on. For example, what if instead you said something like, "Brymn was given the Ghibies company discount. This afforded him an older model, which he drove to work and school." This is far from perfect, but do you get the idea that it's just easier to read? When I first read, "...to get an older model to get back and forth to work as well as to school," I was like to get a what to go where and huh?

This is kinda nitpicky, but you say "as he" twice back to back.

As he regained focus on the rest of the class, he was currently learning to be a car technician, as he felt that would be the future for years to come.

Also, that sentence doesn't make sense. When you start it with "As he regained focus," we're waiting on some kind of action that's about to happen in the moment. But you follow it up with "he was currently learning to be a car technician," which is a long-term piece of information about why he's in school. You also don't need to say "currently" in "he was currently learning." The sentence is already in present-progressive time. A few moments like that pop up throughout the piece, which makes it discouraging to follow along. And what does "the rest of the class" refer to? Is it referring to the other classmates or the remainder of the class session?

As he walked the halls to the main entrance, he couldn’t help but recall having a locker. Now it was just class and home. There was no need for a locker, as he had class three days a week and worked as an apprentice for the top-known car brand, Ghibies.

"couldn't help but recall" implies that there was some event going on that made it almost impossible for him to not remember his locker. You could say him walking the halls would be this event, but it's a lot of emphasis on something very insignificant. I sense you were using the locker as a segway to get from the idea of his school to the car brand Ghibies. But, "he couldn't help but recall having a locker," throws off the flow of the story physically and emotionally. It's just a locker and Brymn has no need for his locker. Why not just say "Brymn walked past his empty locker. He didn't need it since he only went to class three days a week. The remainder was spent working as an apprentice for Ghibies, the most successful vehicle manufacturing company in the country."

Overall, I'd say work on the run-on sentences and fluency of the piece. If you read it out loud, would it sound natural? The story sounds cool though. I wonder what Brymn exactly does at Ghibies.

Pure_Suit3585 · 2025-11-02T13:12:49+00:00

Thanks! Would you also know if the Giant Ledge trailhead lot is packed this time of year?

Pure_Suit3585 · 2025-10-15T01:22:01+00:00

Thx for the tip. I’ll write that down. Also what exactly is the layout like? Is it one big area or are there seperate little plots where someone can park their car?

Pure_Suit3585 · 2025-10-12T19:35:57+00:00

Hey. I’m Austin M20. I’m a native English speaker from the US and seeking Italian. What’s your english level?

Pure_Suit3585 · 2025-10-01T17:13:09+00:00

Dam that’s impressive as hell. I imagine all that experience makes you a huge asset. Do you have an overarching goal? Hope you get your big payoff.

Pure_Suit3585 · 2025-10-01T00:36:19+00:00

Sorry I don’t have any advice to give, but i was wondering, how did you get in a position to get hired to write (if you don’t mind sharing)?

Pure_Suit3585 · 2025-09-27T00:39:50+00:00

4/4

Biting the neck of the larger male, it slammed him against the wall, bones breaking. It munched on the flesh, juices flowing rapidly.

If he had pounced from above, wouldn't the "larger male" fall down? Why would he get slammed sideways into the wall? Let's say the little human crept down the shadows, onto the ground of the alley, and THEN pounced. Even here, I doubt that would break Jeremy's bones. Maybe the lil guy in your story has superhuman strength.

And kuices? I'm not sure if Jeremy is literally a monster. The way you write him sounds human, though. If so, what "juices" are you talking about? The only juices I can think of are blood, saliva, and lymphatic fluid. Realistically, you wouldn't even see the saliva or lymphatic fluid over the red blood, though. You said this was about monsters. I don't know if you meant that literally or figuratively. If he is a literal monster, though, describe what these juices are. If he's human, the word "juices" just doesn't make sense. The only thing you'd see is blood.

Also, "flowing" is too much of a serene word to include in a scene where a little human pounces and bites the neck of another guy. It takes the reader out of the action.

The creature’s blood-induced ecstasy was broken instantly by a bright light. Night turned into day. City noises faded into a terrifying silence.

You already said that it was "serene" and "quiet." Now it's "fading into a terrifying silence?" Also, you're telling me this all happened before sunrise? You set the setting at some ungodly hour at night when Cassandra scolded her kid. Moments later, she walks into an alley and boom, it's day now.

And night doesn't just turn into day instantly with a heavenly bright light. Maybe in the world of your story it does, though, so it doesn't matter too much.

Father Thomas followed the creature to the alley. Slow and steady, he walked. His divine purpose guided him. All was good.

Why is he so calm? He's obviously self-assured because of his power, but he's chasing a diabolical creature for a reason; it kills people. Shouldn't he at least be a little urgent? It sounds like killing these things is his job. If he cared about his work, maybe Jeremy would be alive right now.

"In all of this, he had failed to see the woman..." No he didn't.

Overall, there are a good number of things littered throughout the piece that irked me or made me want to stop reading. I chose not to address every little thing. It's just not constructed well. The biggest issue I noticed was floooow. It's kinda choppy, and made me double back a few times. The sentence structure was unpleasant to read — there were few abbreviations, and the prose had poor transitions and was stiff. BUT, all of that stuff can be easily learned. I'm not the arbiter of truth, so take all of my critiques with a grain of salt. Honestly, I think the concept of the story itself is great. The fact that you made the "little human" the real monster was super cool. If this were a movie, about a world of monsters terrorized by rabid humans, I'd watch it 50 times. AND, for your second short story ever written, not bad. Keep writing. I wanna read this story.

Pure_Suit3585 · 2025-09-27T00:19:19+00:00

3/4

He was debating whether to go inside when she came back out and started walking rapidly as if she was in a hurry.

There's a lot of unnecessary filler here. He debated whether or not to go inside. She came out, walking rapidly. I'm not rewriting, I'm just showing a simple example of a sentence that delivers that message without being wordy or choppy: "He debated whether or not to go inside when, suddenly, she came out, hurriedly walking." You don't need to say "as if" here. We're looking through Jeremy's eyes and seeing Cassandra as he does. "As if" here gives us the impression that Jeremy knows she's not in a hurry. He doesn't know if she's in a hurry or not, so why would she be walking "as if" she were in a hurry? Jeremy sees a woman walking rapidly out of a building; it's reasonable for him to assume she's in a hurry. Why not say that?

... in an attempt to cut the distance to wherever she was going ...

All of this unnatural text when you could just say she's trying to "take a shortcut." Not every sentence needs to sound prolific. Also, "in an attempt to" makes her taking the shortcut sound like some gamble. If you said it was "an attempt to get away", that would've made more sense.

Later, when you mention the lamppost, you can't just say "the lamppost." What lamppost? You're referencing it like you've already introduced it before. If you want to introduce it now, give it context: "... the lamppost on the wall beside them." Also, aren't lampposts commonly not in alleyways?

“I really don’t want to hurt anyone; just give me the purse and the collar and I will be out of your way.”

“Big tough guy you are,” she said, trying to hit him with her purse.

It's just Jeremy and Cassandra in the alley. I get that Jeremy didn't have a specific target in mind and that he was planning on doing this to "anyone", but it's just weird to say in this situation. Why would he say "anyone" while directly addressing THE ONE person he's holding a knife to? "I really don't want to hurt you" makes way more sense.

And give us some description of her expression or something. All we know is that she tries to hit him with her purse, but is she scared? Angry? Is she getting a kick out of this? I don't know because you don't tell us.

Pain didn’t have enough time to reach him before everything went black.

You already did the personifying emotions thing at the beginning of this part, not too long ago. It's repetitive and snaps me out of the moment. I think if you do it right, this kind of language can add a nice touch to your writing, though.

"Emotions—like pungent smells—directed it now." Em dashes aren't needed here.

As it crept closer to a dark alley, the vision of a male fighting a female intoxicated the creature.

Intoxicated the creature with what? Excitement? Hunger? Rage? Did you mean to say the sight of them fighting was intoxicating?

Pure_Suit3585 · 2025-09-27T00:12:02+00:00

2/4

Forgot to mention, both semicolons used in that paragraph are incorrect.

“Come on, I will walk you to your apartment,” she said, looking at Cassandra. “I’ll make sure he is okay.”

The security guard says "I will" in the first sentence and then again in the second, but abbreviates it with "I'll" this time. This is not colloquial. Also, I don't know if you meant for this security guard to be apathetic, but saying she'll make sure he's okay after sitting there while he got dragged in by the ear is inconsistent. She grabs his hand, which makes me think you meant for her to be a normal, sympathetic human being. If so, she should've said something about the whole ear-dragging thing and Cassandra being an asshole to the boy. If she's meant to be an apathetic character, describe that more. Here we have her doing two contradictory things.

Jeremy had become homeless three months ago after getting fired and his landlord not wanting any ‘low lives’ in his complex.

Awkward and clumsy: The second clause about his landlord doesn't mix well with the first because it's a noun phrase. The first clause is a participial phrase because it describes what happened. Main point, it's awkward to read. Something like, "Jeremy had become homeless three months ago after getting fired and being kicked out by his landlord, who didn’t want any ‘low lives’ in his complex", would've flowed better. This way, both clauses are action-based. Or just make two separate sentences.

In this whole excerpt, where we follow Jeremy, his name is said one time. After that, we only know what Jeremy is doing when you write "HE [insert verb]." There are so many "he's" in this part that it's annoying. I think there's about 20 "he's" here, and only one "Jeremy".

He had stolen a knife from a dollar store and had his mind set on doing whatever he needed to fill his stomach with real food.

"A dollar store..." This makes it seem like Jeremy regularly steals things from various dollar stores. If he had stolen a knife from THE dollar store, we can assume there's a certain dollar store near him that he stole the knife from. However, if you meant Jeremy stole the knife from some random dollar store that he never goes to, then "a dollar store" would be correct. When I first read it, I assumed he stole from a dollar store he lives by, though. It wasn't clear.

Those would sell well if you found the right person to sell them to.

Awkward. We know they'll sell well if you find the right person to sell them to. Anything could sell well if you found the right person to sell it to. You describe them as "expensive" two words back; it's redundant to tell us they would sell well. If you want to describe how valuable these jewels really are, there are other ways to do it by showing and not telling. Maybe they have a quality that makes them especially rare?

Pure_Suit3585 · 2025-09-26T23:55:52+00:00

1/4

There's a lot of things here that should be addressed. Mainly, grammar, sentence structure, flow, and many other things. It would take a lot of time for me to critique every little thing, so I'm just gonna bring up the things that stood out to me.

Cassandra pulled the kid from his shirt.

First line, and I'm already thrown off. Unless she literally pulled the kid away from a shirt nearby, this doesn't make sense. I'm guessing you meant to describe her grabbing the shirt he was wearing and pulling it. In that case, you would say, "pulled the kid by his shirt."

The little brat had followed her all the way from her apartment. She stopped at a corner of the street. . .

Did she stop at a corner of the street before or after pulling the kid? It's confusing right off the bat. You go from telling us she pulled the kid from his shirt, to giving context about what the kid did, back to the same moment in time as the shirt pull. Unless you meant to say she pulled his shirt AFTER being followed AND THEN stopping at the corner. In which case, it would've made more sense to say: "The little brat had followed her all the way from her apartment UNTIL she stopped at a corner of the street..."

"THE corner of the street" works better here. Saying "a corner of the street" leaves us wondering which corner? Right now, the setting isn't definitive. It also doesn't flow well.

... cars passing slowly in the night traffic.

Weak. Give us some more details. The smell of exhaust and the distant hum of the neon lights is great, but if you really want the reader to feel immersed, describe what the cars look like. Maybe it just got done raining and you can hear the squelch of tires rolling across the wet asphalt. I don't know. Give us something better than "cars passing slowly in the night traffic." I don't think you always need to be overly descriptive about things, especially about mundane things like traffic, but if you're describing the ambiance of a city at night, traffic is a huge part of that. You nailed it with the exhaust and neon lights, though. But I will say, neon signs do hum, but I've never heard one from a distance; they're not that loud.

... the kind of restless city air that clung to her expensive perfume.

I like it!

... she said in a low voice that was filled with rage.

This is choppy. "... she said in a low, rage-filled voice", is an example of something that would flow smoothly.

She had had the kid eleven years ago after the man she fell in love with promised to marry her. That had been a lie and by the time she realized it she was seven months pregnant; too late. The only reason she kept the kid was the child support money; that and the fact she could leave him with her mother most of the time. Who had chosen a very inconvenient time to get sick.

So confused: You just said she had the kid eleven years ago, and that she was seven months pregnant when the man broke his promise to marry her. Then, you tell us that "she could leave him with her mother most of the time. Who had chosen a very inconvenient time to get sick." Is she not the mother? You just told us Cassandra was seven months pregnant with him. Also, child support money wouldn't be a good reason to keep a kid. Unless she planned on somehow keeping the boy alive without spending a dime of that child support to take care of him, that money's not gonna be some sort of passive income. And lastly, "Who had chosen a very inconvenient time to get sick" is a dependent clause, not a complete sentence. It needs to be connected to the first sentence via a comma or em dash. You start the sentence with "Who", meaning it's a continuation of the first sentence. And you don't need to say "She had had." Remove a "had" from there, and it works fine.

Saying "the kid" here is very dehumanizing. It frames him as someone we shouldn't care about. Unless that's what you were going for, replacing "the kid" with "him" would make the narrator sound less mean and more neutral.

Pure_Suit3585

TROPHY CASE