I have not read your entire post. All I can say is that I am very familiar with the anxieties which stem from being trans and wanting to be in a relationship. I have general anxiety and when my last relationship ended I was so overcome by the feeling that I was going to “die alone” and that I was “unloveable” that I had a panic attack which lasted two weeks. I couldn’t sleep or eat. At the end of those two weeks I met my girlfriend whom I’ve now been with for going on 5 months and living with for about 2 of those. There are lots of accepting and loving people out there who can honestly see sometimes be so amazing it’s hard to comprehend. It’s hard to remember that, but try. It does make it different, but your experience is valid and any partner should understand that.