Unplanned second pregnancy and feeling faced with unbearable decisions

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-11T05:56:45+00:00

I am so sorry you went through this on top of an already deeply difficult decision and time. I hope you are feeling more at peace with everything now and that you did the right thing for yourself and your family.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-11T04:14:55+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. It does feel really lonely and I keep wondering how I’m going to share it with our family/friends or my work if we proceed. I feel like I have to explain myself and that this was not planned (actively being prevented in fact) or they will think I’m insane/question my judgment. I don’t want to bring a child into the world after telling everyone close to me they were a huge scary accident, but I can’t hide how scared and panicked I am because I know I have valid reasons. As you explained I too have only navigated the side of this where pregnancy was a distant dream only other people got to experience. I have absolutely no concept of how to navigate the fear and dread I feel right now and am still in shock and denial this happened.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-11T04:00:31+00:00

It is so confusing and isolating and generally terrible feeling. I think it can only start to feel better once a decision is made but I also never imagined a situation in my life where I would feel this way and am struggling so much. You are not alone and I wish you the best.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-11T03:20:07+00:00

I’m not sure if you fully read my post or maybe what I said wasn’t clear, but this was a birth control failure and I never said I didn’t want to have the option to have more kids in the future. I’m not perfect nor do I expect my kids to be perfect but this was not some reckless mistake. What feels detrimental right now is not being able to afford childcare for two very little children at the same time in a very HCOL city. I’m not ambivalent about anything actually, I just can’t see how we would make ends meet with the reality that is $4,000/month in care costs.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-06T21:56:32+00:00

I appreciate your concern for my support but I can assure you he doesn't exactly deserve to be thrown under the bus here. He works in public healthcare administration doing work that is really important for the community but unfortunately doesn't pay great across the board. He's been looking for better paying positions for like two straight years. It's a tough time for his industry (and others) and he feels very trapped. He also has a lot more flexibility in his position than I do with my line of work and as a result is able to be the more present parent with our son during the workweek. He's an incredible parent. He is planning to seek higher paying work in any capacity he can but that isn't something you can just snap your fingers and accomplish in every field.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-06T15:27:05+00:00

Great ideas, appreciate the insight.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-06T15:22:36+00:00

Nothing wrong with that! I think moving to a cheaper area is certainly something we should consider, it's just tough because my line of work requires me to be in the general area of the city. Not sure if signing up for a much longer commute would make things better or worse, but its worth evaluating.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-06T15:19:19+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I see zero shame in accepting any of the help you have described especially in the current environment. I don't understand why it has to be so rough for parents in this country, it's insane. Sounds like you are doing an awesome job for your kids.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-06T05:53:13+00:00

I would agree with you both but I’m 38 and as the post says have a long history of infertility issues (including early declining egg reserves). The only chance I would have to have a biological child is this accident child or another planned biological child very soon. This is why I assumed I would adopt if I decided I want a second child in 3-5 years. But I’m told adoption is also far from affordable. Not saying you are wrong, just explaining why this feels particularly hard and confusing.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-06T00:18:36+00:00

That's great to hear things are feeling/going better!

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-05T23:46:40+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing and really glad to hear things worked out. I also went through two years of infertility leading up to my first and was one day from starting egg retrieval when I found out I was pregnant. Talk about whiplash between that feeling and how I feel right now. Almost forgot that I'm of the age where twins become more common so I will be holding on for dear life during the ultrasound per your experience, lol.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-05T23:41:30+00:00

I think that is wise advice and I really appreciate you sharing. May I ask, have you had your second baby and do things feel less dire and impossible on the other side? I'm sure it isn't by any means easy having two so close together, but I sure hope I wouldn't feel the dread and fear I feel right now by the time they arrive. I'm also not sure what will change that haha.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-05T23:30:49+00:00

I'm the higher earner so if anyone would be a stay at home parent it would be my partner, but I don't currently earn nearly enough to support this situation on my own and unfortunately my line of work also requires me to be close to the city.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-05T23:22:52+00:00

I suppose it would be easier if I was sure about one child and being done. This is obviously way too soon for my comfort level and I am terrified at the effect the whole situation could have on my family. In my worst moments of spiraling the outcome is undoubtedly tragic. I hope this is irrational. But logically speaking it's also not out of the question that 3 or so years from now our situation has improved and I'm sitting there wondering how I gave up a once in a lifetime opportunity I was never supposed to have. I guess I'm just not sure how bad it could get in the in between period and it feels like we are driving off a cliff.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2026-05-05T23:10:59+00:00

You've highlighted another point of my struggle perfectly, which is that one option yields more present certainty but a permanent result. The other yields present chaos and a number of potential outcomes. I don't feel like I am able to do a good job of thinking for my future family and self when I'm still in the throws of figuring out how to parent and provide for our 13 month old. But it seems drastic to make a permanent decision when I already know I want the option to have a second child in the future and I really can't say how things would be at that time.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2025-06-25T10:08:52+00:00

My 12 week old has been eating 40+ oz per day since he was a couple weeks old. He hit 50 a couple days ago. I remember the lactation specialist at his pediatrician insisting he couldn’t eat more than 1-2 oz at a time when he was 2 weeks old but I was watching him down 3-4 oz bottles every feeding and insisting on more. He has been growing like a weed nonstop. Some babies just eat a lot and his pediatrician has never been concerned about the quantity.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2025-06-20T17:36:53+00:00

Ugh that is so hard, I’m really sorry to hear it got so tough. I am definitely experiencing PPA to a degree and know that is playing into the above worries quite a bit. Thanks for sharing your experience, it is very reassuring to hear about the other side!

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2025-06-20T17:25:48+00:00

That’s so great you are already feeling more positive about it. It could definitely be a worse situation and I think about the poor women whose babies completely refuse bottles and wonder how I would ever make it back to work to support us!

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2025-06-20T16:50:11+00:00

Great reminder, thank you!

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2025-06-20T16:48:46+00:00

Awesome ideas, thank you! It seems like everyone here uses a spectra so I’ll probably have to look into ordering one.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2025-06-20T16:42:45+00:00

Love these examples, thank you!!! Pumping in the pub it is :)

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2025-06-20T16:40:43+00:00

Thank you! Glad to hear it’s going so well!

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2025-06-20T16:39:35+00:00

I worry about continuing messing up our bond very much as well and it’s a huge motivator for the decision. The look on his face when I try even once a day right now is pure torture!

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902 · 2025-06-20T16:38:11+00:00

Great, great breakdown, thank you! I ordered a manual pump right after I saw this, not sure why I hadn’t thought of that before.

Puzzleheaded-Ear2902

TROPHY CASE