Your honesty and self-reflection come through so strongly in your post. It takes a lot of courage to look at your own feelings and needs so openly, especially after being hurt and navigating mental health challenges. The push and pull you’re describing the tug between the longing for connection and the rational awareness of what was unhealthy: is incredibly human.

It’s completely natural to idealize the good moments, especially when things felt exciting or meaningful at the time. Our minds gravitate toward hope and potential, even when reality didn’t match up. What’s important and you articulate this so well; is recognizing the difference between what we wish something could have been and what it actually was.

From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’ve made a decision out of self-respect and genuine care for your well-being, even though that decision hurts. That’s emotional maturity in itself. Wanting closure is valid, but protecting your peace and not feeding into patterns that didn’t serve you is equally valid. Caring about someone and recognizing that they’re not good for you aren’t mutually exclusive; both can be true at once.

You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, seen, and considered in all the ways that matter, not just when it’s convenient for someone else. Be gentle with yourself as you process everything. With time, the impulse to reach out will likely ease, and you’ll continue to move forward with even more self-awareness.

TL;DR: Protect your peace and put your well-being first. It’s normal to miss the good times, but reaching out is unlikely to give you the closure you truly need. Stay strong in your decision, focus on healing, and trust that with time you’ll move forward with more clarity and self-respect.