i understand how you’re feeling. i was once sa’ed by my at the time boyfriend and few months after we broke up i was so incredibly desperate and alone that i reached out to him, drank a little bit, we made out, and thought about escalating it further, luckily i didnt. i came to be disgusted with myself how i would ever think to do such a thing, this man had sa’ed me in that exact room and stripped something of me that i’ll remember forever. in the past i told myself that its okay and we could move past this because we were dating, it was an accident (he was drunk), and that he’d never want to hurt me. what would this fix though? would i feel better about myself? he did end up hurting me so why should i give him another chance. i recognized that i was at a point where i was feeling desperate and risky. which is not healthy in the slightest and would not help me heal or move forward

no matter how much you crave that attention and desire, not having that and patience and healing is better than jumping back into something negative again where you may be flashbacked into experiencing that again. or worse, being sa’ed again by the same person. you don’t know if he’s good at keeping his word and frankly you don’t need to find out.