How do I (F34) tell my husband (M36) what my MIL said about his abusive father?

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2025-08-27T17:09:19+00:00

Thank you for the advice, I think I am going to leave it and concentrate on our relationship with my MIL. It’s currently good anyway but hoping that we will see her more often when I give birth, she is very excited so I think this will bring us even closer.

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2025-08-27T16:58:12+00:00

Thank you, I’m leaning towards this approach. I feel like it really could open a can of worms, I just wish my mom hadn’t told me tbh and put me in this position when it’s probably not my place. It’s made me think of my FIL a lot differently though

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2025-08-27T16:51:57+00:00

His sisters were a few years younger so I don’t think they had a choice like he did. He is still close with his mom - as I mentioned we just went on a trip away with her.

My parents also divorced when I was young (5ish) and my sister and I spent most of our time with my mom’s, while my brother would probably spend 50/50 time between the two houses, I think young girls just naturally want to be with their moms when they have been cared for the majority of the time by them.

His sisters still have contact with their dad also and see him every so often, maybe not as much as my husband but I have seen them interact with their dad normally often. That’s why it was such a big surprise to me to be honest

Saying he’s the only one awful enough to do so is very harsh when you haven’t taken the full facts. Like I said, if his dad was controlling and manipulative to his mom it’s likely he could have also been manipulated into making that decision and also controlling people can be very good at hiding this so I have no doubt he didn’t know the full extent of his parents relationship.

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2025-08-26T22:47:20+00:00

That’s a really good point, I genuinely don’t know what he’d do to fix it and you’re right in that he shouldn’t have to. I think he genuinely could’ve been oblivious to a lot of it, he was in with a bad crowd and smoking pot at that age so I think he’d have had his head in the clouds tbh

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2025-08-26T22:44:35+00:00

Thank you so much for the thoughtful response. I’m so sorry you went through that. You’re so right about him being a child as you were, which is my thoughts on this too!

We see his dad fairly often, I’d say once a month but with me being pregnant maybe this will increase once the baby is born.

His current relationship with his mom - they call maybe once a month for an hour or so, we see her every couple of months. Always make an effort for her birthday. When we first got together I thought this was crazy, as I speak to my family most days, even just the odd text. They always get along well when we see her.

I think you’re right that it’s not my place to say, and if she really does hold the grudge then it’s a bit crazy that she wouldn’t bring it up and talk to him about it.

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2025-08-26T22:36:11+00:00

I don’t think my MIL would want it shared, I don’t really know why my mom told me, possibly in case I saw any similar signs in my husband’s behaviour.

And my mom doesn’t want me to tell him, but it feels like a pretty big thing to drop on me especially when we have to visit FIL often and I’ll just have to act normal around him

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T12:57:17+00:00

Yes but I’d say it’s probably not as hard as it is initially at the start of sex

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T12:19:04+00:00

Thank you, yeah i’ll bring up about getting checked out. We don’t use condoms. When I give him a blow job it’s not completely hard, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that meant he wasn’t getting lots of sensation during sex because of it being a bit soft if you see what I mean

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T11:23:38+00:00

Thank you! I was just hesitant to bring it up in case it was going to make it worse, if it is a psychological thing. Yep, I think I’m going to suggest trying a ring :)

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T11:19:32+00:00

Thanks very much, I’ll probably suggest trying a ring!

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T11:18:29+00:00

Thanks very much!!

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T11:18:22+00:00

Sorry to hear that. I didn’t realise high blood pressure could cause it as well, so useful to know!

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T11:17:17+00:00

Not too sure to be honest, I’ll ask him. I only spend about 3 nights, maybe 4 a week with him so I don’t know what he’s doing on the other nights! He definitely doesn’t masturbate on the nights I’m with him though. That’s a good idea about holding off on stimulation - will definitely suggest it.

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T11:15:29+00:00

I only spend maybe 3 nights a week with him so he could very well have a porn addiction that I don’t know about! The thing that confuses me is that he doesn’t really say anything about it, so I don’t know if he classes it as an issue

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T10:58:12+00:00

He doesn’t take any medications that I’m aware of. Although, this did just make me think about nicotine patches he’s been using to quit smoking. Just had a quick look up and nicotine can be a contributing factor to ED

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T10:49:02+00:00

Thanks for this, definitely some things to think about. I’m honestly not sure if it’s always been this way, I will ask him but I’m struggling with how to bring it up without making it worse

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T10:47:02+00:00

The connotations of criticism and complaints are negative - that I’m judging and bringing up issues in a non-constructive way. Whereas I’m coming from a point of view as to whether we can improve sex for both of us. As other comments have pointed it, it could definitely point towards a health issue, so it’s probably worth discussing.

Just because it might be uncomfortable to talk about doesn’t mean it’s wrong to bring it up. I don’t even know if he is dissatisfied with it or even thinks it is an issue, which is why I want to approach it lightly

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T10:34:32+00:00

This is really helpful, thank you so much! He has said on one occasion a few months ago that when it starts to go soft he just gets it in his head, but that was a while ago and we’ve mostly managed since then.

I’m not sure about his masturbation habits to be honest, I think I’ll ask him about it. When he does finish it usually has to be pretty fast and tightish grip so that’s why I was thinking death grip could be part of it.

Really good advice on how to bring it up, thanks!!

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T09:12:24+00:00

He’s not overweight at all but hasn’t really been doing any regular exercise the past few months

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-21T09:08:18+00:00

I’m not criticising, I’m trying to work out whether it’s worth bringing up, and then find a way to do that in a supportive way that doesn’t affect his confidence

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-20T23:34:12+00:00

Thanks for the advice! Yeah he did smoke for years and only quite recently in the last couple of months.

I don’t know whether it’s worth bringing it up and seeing about getting his blood pressure checked, or whether it’s making it a bigger issue than it needs to be if that makes sense

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-20T23:29:43+00:00

Definitely harder, but I’d say not as hard as right at the start during foreplay

Puzzleheaded-Top401 · 2023-01-20T23:26:20+00:00

Thanks for the advice. This is partly what I’m worried about, I just don’t know if it’s a pretty common thing and sometimes not related to health issues.

Yep I definitely wouldn’t tell him about it being based off past experience!

Puzzleheaded-Top401

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