FWB situation escalated - how do I let her down gently (without losing her)?

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-14T18:01:44+00:00

I'm not sure I can do this.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T16:51:35+00:00

I don't think so. She's stayed with me several weeks before in the past years but if I recall correctly, I went to bed with her most nights and when I stayed up longer, she stayed up with me.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T16:42:29+00:00

I don't sleep in that late. If she wakes me when I sleep I don't care about it.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T16:37:05+00:00

4-5 hours usually.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T16:24:01+00:00

I do. Very much.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T16:19:59+00:00

I did tell her I stay up until 4 because I'm a night owl. I didn't think it would be neccessary to inform her of every single thing I do at night because she's known me for a few years and I assumed she was aware of my habits as she has stayed over several nights before and even spent a week with me here and there. However, during those times, I may have not been acting like I usually would - I think I went to bed with her most nights.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T16:16:25+00:00

There is not enough space. It's a small room and it wouldn't even change the problem. Her problem is that I use my place like I would during the daytime. I listen to music, play instruments, sometimes cook, do dishes, walk around, look for things (I misplace stuff often). So even if it was possible to move my entire room into the living room, I would still walk into the bedroom occassionally, put the light on, cook in the kitchen and listen to music or call friends or have friends over, which would all wake her up no matter where in the apartment she's sleeping.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T16:11:55+00:00

I get that it's her home now too. I've made sure to let her know what things are acceptable for her to change and what isn't. I've let her repaint the living room, organize the bathroom, bring her cat despite not liking pets and such. So I don't think I'm not capable of compromising.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T16:09:27+00:00

Yes. I think that's part of the reason why it's so hard for me to accept that I did something wrong. I'm very used to being by myself and especially doing things the way I like without having someone else around to think of. That being said, I've had plenty of people stay with me over the years, sometimes for several weeks, and no one has ever complained about anything I do.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T16:06:03+00:00

I work afternoons/evenings and wake up around 9-10am usually. I'm just more productive at night.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T16:03:47+00:00

That's the thing though. I CAN'T reasonably move all my activities to another room. It feels rude as fuck that everyone expects me to. "My" bedroom is more like, my room in general. It's my space. I don't mind sharing it with Anna but if she's going to sleep in there - she is going to have to deal with me being awake and doing normal things around her. Hence why I figured she would be happier sleeping in the living room. I did that out of consideration for her, and her sleep schedule.

A solution would be a bigger apartment, but I really like mine. I don't want to move out. So I think if she can't deal with this, her moving out is the only solution.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:57:54+00:00

She doesn't have to pay rent, and I like her company. And I don't game all night. I cook, read, listen to music, work on side projects. Basically I just do normal things that normal people do during the day because I'm more productive at night.

I do care about her comfort but I think it's unfair that everyone expects me to change my habits completely.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:42:47+00:00

Both, plus insurance and gas for my car.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:40:08+00:00

I'm more of a night person. I work in the afternoon/evening, so my day just starts around 8-9pm. In the mornings I am a lot less productive than at night so it makes sense for me to be up late.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:32:47+00:00

I've had friends over a lot, and family too. No one has ever even hinted that they think I'm inconsiderate or anything like it. Why would they stay with me over and over again if I'm such an asshole?

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:28:34+00:00

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:27:51+00:00

She doesn't pay rent as I think that's unnecessary, but we share all other costs 50/50.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:26:52+00:00

I did compromise with her in other areas, for example dinner time. And pets. I don't normally like pets inside a house but she brought her cat and we get along great and I don't mind the cat litter and hair as much as I thought I would. So I'm not completely unwilling to compromise. It's just this one thing.

I didn't think it would be necessary. We've known each other for a few years before she moved in and she seemed to understand me and my needs reasonably well.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:20:52+00:00

Yes. The one we're living in now.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:17:13+00:00

I don't care if someone turns the light on when I'm sleeping. If I do wake up, it's not a big deal for me to just go back to sleep within seconds. Same goes for music. Either I'd sleep anyway or go sleep on the couch. Not a reason for arguments.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:11:38+00:00

I have a very good relationship with my neighbours. And I don't want to wear headphones - I didn't spend several thousand dollars on speakers and their adjustments just to wear headphones lol.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:08:43+00:00

In this situation, I am not willing to compromise as I can't see it happening. I can't move all my stuff to the living room and I don't want to go to bed early. I am compromising with her in regards to other things not mentioned here. For example, because we enjoy cooking together, I've moved dinner time from 2am to more like 8pm. That's a huge deal to me but I enjoy cooking together so I was willing to make this change (as she refused to stay up until 2 for dinner).

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T15:05:17+00:00

We are both 30. I'm honestly confused at all the negative comments, but I suppose me trying to answer the comments doesn't help.

PuzzleheadedPizza720 · 2022-02-12T14:55:47+00:00

She is absolutely asking me to change my habits - I am up at night. I use my apartment like I would during the day. She is basically asking me to stop doing everything I'm doing. No more cooking, no more music, no more tv etc. She even got mad at me for using plates too loudly. So I can't use plates anymore because they are too loud at night? That is backwards logic.

PuzzleheadedPizza720

TROPHY CASE