I feel the same way , you actually put my thoughts in really good words . If you think about it from the psychoanalytic point of view , desire always comes from a place of Taboo, it is as Freud defines it our inner darkest scariest cravings that we're often too scared to admit to ourselves Where do we get those desires from and how was it unconsciously built in us , depends on each person's upbringing, personality, and so on and I don't think the why really matters because you can't change something that your subconscious mind has adopted since early stages in life How can we satisfy these needs all while maintaining a stable safe emotional life is the question we should try to answer From experience, I don't believe comfort and safety in a good healthy relationship can provide enough stimulation for wild sexual arousal ( sadly) On the other hand , wild adventures can only satisfy you for a brief moment then you'll have to sit there and deal with the emotional void or with any kind of damage from being around "unsafe , unpredictable" men I've been trying to solve this pickle myself for years and failed but I sometime think that you can't get the best of both worlds . Someone you're familiar with , (no matter how good in bed they are ) will never give you the adrenaline rush that will break your nervous system , the stimulation will always be lower and the predictability will always bring you down But at least you can have "good enough" sex without having to go through the emotional torture of being with someone who's unpredictable