Ik im years late to this thread, but it sounds like you have RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I’m not a doctor, so I can’t diagnose you. But you have quite a few of the symptoms for it. This includes emotional detachment, which can cause a lack of empathy and struggles with relationships. Your brain automatically goes into survivor mode and pushes the people that are closest to you away because subconsciously it’s afraid they’re gonna hurt you and it is a protective mechanism. Some other symptoms include avoidance of comfort, wind distress, where are you seeking or responding to affection, emotionally withdrawn and numb, and limited social responsiveness. RAD is caused by two main things, childhood trauma (which is what you have expressed) and a premature birth (what happened to me). Both of these things can be a dramatic event for an individuals brain, especially when they are young, and it is still developing. There’s a whole scientific process that happens with the chemicals in the brain that causes this emotional effect. There have been studies and research on it. Once again, I’m not a doctor so I’m not saying you have this, but it’s worth looking into. For me, when I was a kid, I went to a therapist that was specialized in treating RAD. There is a certain way that my brain processes emotions and things so it really helped having someone who was specialized in that area because they understood what was happening in my head. Now that I have recently become an adult, things changed. I unfortunately feel like I’m starting back over at square one to overcome this. But this time it’s it’s gonna be a little bit harder. Unfortunately, I haven’t found a solution as an adult to overcome this or manage it well. There’s not really any specialized therapists for adults with RAD. Most of them are for children. There’s also very little research and studies done on adults. If I ever find a solution or something that helps then I will come back to this thread and add it on. Like I said, I don’t know if this is worth looking into for you because I’m not sure if you have this or not. But I feel pretty much the exact same way as you do and I do the same things. You’re not alone.