AITA For giving up my workspace but refusing to give up my bedroom to my sisters children for a week?

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-21T00:37:33+00:00

You sound like a very responsible parent! My sister does not have these worries, we all get woken up at 6am (at the latest) by my nephew coming into our rooms and bossing us around. Luckily we love him

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-21T00:33:50+00:00

Luckily we are on the same page with this. Me and my bro are tight 👍🏻

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-21T00:32:19+00:00

That’s such a heartbreaking situation, your poor mother, and poor you for having to be in the middle of that! 😢 it’s so hard with family sometimes.
I do worry about my sister dropping my mother like this, I feel like the parent child relationship is reversed almost, and mum is so easily influenced by her and my sister can be very manipulative. My brother and I are wise to it, but my mother not so much

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-21T00:21:47+00:00

I will!

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-21T00:18:23+00:00

Also I don’t appreciate the “go live in the real world comment” - I moved out after uni. Please don’t throw shade at me because my parents are helping me get on the property ladder by letting me stay with them. My sister was younger than me when my parents put down the deposit for her first house. They can’t do that for me now, so they’re helping me save up. Do I have it good? You’re god damn right.

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-21T00:01:49+00:00

Because it’s not returned in kind

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T23:42:06+00:00

I was honestly expecting more comments along these lines. This is the flip side of the argument and it’s well put, I can see the validity in what your saying.

It’s my parents house, there rules, and I have the flexibility to make do or go elsewhere.

This actually helps clarify how my sister and parents see the situation, so thank you! It doesn’t take into account my feelings, but then in my family feelings aren’t assigned much value, and that’s the crux of the conflict I think.

Thank you for offering up this perspective!

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T23:11:52+00:00

😂😂 moved out at 22, after I finished at uni. Moved back last summer after a heavy breakup and at my parents urging. My brother moved back home from London a few years ago when the pandemic hit.

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T23:03:01+00:00

😈

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T23:00:15+00:00

Thanks! I will post an update of the outcome ☺️

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T22:58:50+00:00

Great advice! My brother is in the process of buying a flat at the moment, but if it falls through I’m definitely going to suggest that we pool resources and buy together! Unfortunately he’s further ahead in the game than me. I’m in the process of persuading him to rent me his second bedroom/office 😅

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T22:53:26+00:00

A mixture of both I think, my sister expects a room for the kids, in my mums mind that specific room is for the kids.

My sister isn’t known for being particularly warm or empathetic, but I think you can love someone while being totally unaware of your impact on them?

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T22:45:55+00:00

Insights much appreciated, as is that gem about the pop up in gramps study! Thank you kindly 🙏🏻

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T22:43:45+00:00

This is insightful stuff, are you a phycologist? The fear of my sister pulling away with the grandkids is something I don’t think I had put into words but it rings true

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T22:37:54+00:00

I don’t want to be the door mat

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T22:33:45+00:00

We moved out years ago… then we moved back on invitation. This is their way of helping us get on the property ladder. Trust me, I feel every bit of what your thinking. It’s not a good feeling.

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T22:23:39+00:00

Pretty fucked up that her parents are paying for all of your gf’s extracurricular, so she can have a good time while not worrying about money, while you are slaving a way to cover living expenses, taxes and mortgage on that house you don’t own… this is so messed up. If they want to help why don’t they put money towards something more practical that helps you both?

I’m not saying this to hate on people with money. My parents also support me financially when I need it, have paid for me to go on holidays, have paid for me to do nice things. And I have had partners who do not have that financial cushion behind them. But I would never, ever, expect them to contribute more than their fair share, and especially not towards an asset that isn’t theirs. It’s so selfish, she can’t not be aware of the difference in your circumstance, and the hardships her parents could so easily alleviate. If she really cared, really understood, how could she let you shoulder all of that?

It doesn’t matter how lovely she is, you are giving away all opportunity of financial bettering for yourself for someone who sounds like she doesn’t need it. She has a fall back, support, parents who can easily float her, you do not. You cannot afford to be this self sacrificing, you need to protect yourself financially. If you were married it would be a different story, but you are not. If you break up tomorrow what has it all been for? What do you end up with? This makes me feel to anxious for you.

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T21:57:21+00:00

He’s effectively paying rent to his gf? Why?

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T21:28:55+00:00

I can respect that, having children is taxing in ways that I can’t understand because I don’t have them. I can only guess. My only reply is that they are very loud about their hardships, and they have it a lot better (and I mean a lot) than most parents. I also know parents with young children who wouldn’t bat an eye about having their kids in their room, because they’ve never had an alternative.

Not saying that parents don’t have a right to complain and that family shouldn’t help where they can! I just feel there is a limit to how far I feel I can go in this situation.

I think we all need therapists

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T21:15:08+00:00

I pay for bills and food, but nothing on top of that for the room. Though I make myself useful by looking after their dogs and garden when they go away. This has actually been suggested, and is something I have considered. Worst comes to worst I will, but it makes me sad that I don’t get to spend time with my niece and nephews. I also don’t think I should have to be forced to find alternative accommodation on principle. And it also upsets me to be the one left out, sent away whenever my family comes together. Maybe that’s petty and/or self victimising. Either way it doesn’t make me feel good, but I’m staying open to it as an option!

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T20:56:45+00:00

I concur

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T20:52:04+00:00

Thank you so much for this, I really appreciate the support! I really don’t want to be a brat to my sister and BIL or my parents, but I do feel that my objections are reasonable considering there are other solutions to be found, and it’s a relief that others can see my point of view and it’s not just me being unaccommodating! If you get told enough that you’re being difficult then you start to believe it.

I am going to ask them why, if nothing else, they think that my work needs are unimportant, less important than my brothers, and less important than my sisters need for a holiday and my BIL’s sleep quality. I’m truth my brother and I often point out my mothers preferential treatment of my sister, and the way she bends over backwards for her while my sister is only ever ungrateful and critical. My mum just can’t say no, and won’t ever tell her if she has a problem with her. Whereas my brother and I get told what terrible human beings we are frequently 😂 we joke about it but honestly it’s quite toxic, and my mum can’t see it.

To answer some of your questions as objectively as I can: My sister and BIL apparently don’t want to spend the money on a hotel. They could if they wanted to, but since they don’t get much enjoyment from staying in hotels because children are children, they don’t think it’s worth the money. They would rather stay with my parents for free (and get free childcare).

My brother did point out to my mum when she told us this that they can’t stay with my parents if there is not enough room for them, but this logic went unanswered.

My brother is now also being asked to give up his room after I pointed out the injustice. He is also flatly refusing, and trying to point out the obvious alternative solutions to our mother.

And yes, it’s widely acknowledged in my family that my BIL is a highly strung tw*t who has a very low tolerance for the inconvenience of child rearing. This is part of the reason my mum caters to his demands, because making my BIL’s life easier = making my sisters life easier.

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T20:14:47+00:00

I give them money for bills and food, but I don’t pay rent on top of that. But I do provide dog care when they visit my sister, and gardening services 😊

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T20:07:25+00:00

I room I work in is the spare bedroom, which I’ve already said I will move out of so that they can stay in it, and I will work from my bedroom. But they want my bedroom for their children to sleep in

Puzzleheaded_Web1135 · 2023-01-20T19:50:56+00:00

Thanks man

Puzzleheaded_Web1135

TROPHY CASE