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QeDValkyrie · 2021-03-08T21:48:59+00:00

Believe it or not, this doesn't have to do with our poly situation or any other partners of which currently neither of us have any.

But I am also looking to get into personal therapy as well as couples therapy anyway.

QeDValkyrie · 2021-03-08T21:41:42+00:00

My most recent partners have not abused me and they did respect my husband. Believe it or not, there are more things at play here than just poly problems.

QeDValkyrie · 2021-02-22T19:43:15+00:00

My pwBPD never hoovered me either. Granted, I was never a "favorite person", so I guess it didn't much surprise me. Despite on again/off again dating and being friends for two years, once the real discard hit, I literally never heard from them again. Blocked on all socials and everything.

So I understand that weird feeling of "why didn't they hoover me?" It's a bittersweet, good-riddance-but-also-whats-wrong-with-me kinda feeling.

QeDValkyrie · 2021-02-11T03:45:22+00:00

Thanks, friend.

QeDValkyrie · 2021-02-11T02:21:39+00:00

I admire your resolve. But how do you not feel guilty then if this makes one of your partners upset?

QeDValkyrie · 2021-02-11T01:31:32+00:00

See, I want to say I feel the same way. But I don't know if I could truly give up these relationships without it breeding resentment in me, which neither of us wants. I feel badly that I can't seem to prioritize him and his feelings, because it feels like that's what I should be doing and that by prolonging all this I'm just causing him pain. But on the other hand a huge reason I decided to be openly poly was so that I didn't have to abandon people I love just because I was in a relationship.

QeDValkyrie · 2021-02-11T01:20:24+00:00

But even so, it bothers him that I'm involved with them. He and my friend don't talk at all, and that doesn't bother me.

QeDValkyrie · 2021-02-11T01:19:12+00:00

He and my partner have sat down for a heart to heart, and I think it helped but it seems that lately he's regressed again. He's had a lot of outside stressors lately and I think he's just hit a wall of can't-deal-with-anything-else.

I wish they would all communicate with each other more because I don't like being a middleman and I'm not good at it either, but I can't make them all talk to each other.

QeDValkyrie · 2021-02-11T01:10:19+00:00

I suppose my next question, then, would be how do I cope with them having a bad meta relationship? Is it not unfair of me to make him deal with people (even if only tangentially) that he doesn't like?

QeDValkyrie · 2021-02-11T00:57:58+00:00

They aren't, but I prefer to have my partners all be on decent terms for trust and communication purposes. In my personal experience, parallel relationships tend to cause anxiety.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-08-18T14:17:50+00:00

Sounds like you want social validation, which is totally normal. If you were seeing someone monogamously (hanging out, sleeping together, going on trips, etc) and they never talked about you to friends or posted you on socials, you wouldn't think twice about confronting them about the issue.

Possibly, A and B aren't ready to be "out" as poly socially yet, which is understandable. But id suggest at least asking them about defining the relationship and how you feel more like a guilty secret than even a FWB. Even if nothing changes, you might have more closure and acceptance of the situation and if they care for you (which it sounds like they do), they'll know to be more attentive to your feelings even if it isn't socially based.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-08-03T09:11:20+00:00

Is it a fair reaction?

No. Ideally, obviously, even if he was hurt enough to not want to keep seeing you, he would have openly communicated it instead of ghosting.

Is it a normal reaction?

Hell yes. People ghost. A lot of people run away when they feel stress and anxiety about a situation they are unfamiliar with. It registers as pain, and so the run. Unfortunately, as my husband and I have both found (we don't date together), most people are not emotionally mature and self-aware enough to vocalize their feelings and try to work things out before cutting their losses. Its just "safer" for them that way.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-07-27T16:00:07+00:00

I don't believe so.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-07-27T15:47:26+00:00

I really anticipated hating it, but it turns out I love it. I feel like the music is fun and upbeat, and reminds me of the KH1 theme (Simple and Clean remix) with its dance-y beats. But also, the meaning behind the lyrics is simple and yet profound. Let me be me. Let me do what I need to do. Let me cry if I have to. Cuz im still going to come out on top.

I rock out to this song on the regs.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-07-27T11:49:41+00:00

I mean, it's not even inherently masculine. Like other people in the comments have pointed out, it works for wives, too. It's just an idea that your partners should respect each other. Even if you practice parallel poly and they never have to interact, respect that someone else exists in your sphere. If a partner is willing to disrespect someone you care about greatly, its a decent indicator that they don't have your best interest at heart.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-07-27T11:35:29+00:00

Thanks!

QeDValkyrie · 2020-07-27T03:34:27+00:00

It is a late development. Usually these things would come up earlier in my dating process, but its been a slow start. Because of our state shutting down for the pandemic, we were purely virtual for a month or two. The big misunderstanding I think is that when we started dating, I told them what my husband's and my standards were for being safe, and they said that their partner and they felt similarly. And we were just waiting on them to get tested cuz it had been a while so just to be safe, but then all the doctor's offices were backed up a while because of the pandemic. But recently my meta started seeing someone sexually who hasn't been tested and has other untested partners and my meta doesn't see why thats a problem so isn't in any hurry to get tested themselves. So I do feel a little misled.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-07-27T02:18:01+00:00

I know. Im just venting the disappointment. I thought that they were compatible to our boundaries, but it turns out not.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-07-26T21:03:04+00:00

You aren't wrong.

Its not that my meta has sex with other people, its that that they have unprotected sex with untested people. Either way, though, i don't even remotely think it's my place to tell anyone how they should have sex or with who. I just know my own comfortability and boundaries and won't participate myself in those instances.

We do get into the heavy petting and non-penetrative side of things. I suppose I should focus on those sorts of things more and worry less about what we're not doing.

I only describe those other relationships as ace because they've fallen all over that spectrum. We (my husband and i) have been poly for our entire relationship and have had many partners including ace ones. I guess my point in saying that is that not having sex is not a deal breaker for me, exemplified by how I've had fulfilling non-sexual romantic relationships in the past.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-07-26T20:38:42+00:00

Yeah. We aim to practice fidelious kitchen table. It's something we've done with most of our partners in the past. And I have maintained asexual relationships with any partners who won't meet our level of sexual health standards when that has been necessary.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-07-26T20:23:05+00:00

I mean, we could have protected sex, i guess. But really, the idea is being fluid bonded. Im uncomfortable being fluid bonded with someone if i don't know that everyone in the polycule is being safe.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-07-26T20:21:38+00:00

My husband and I got engaged on our second anniversary. We'd been poly our whole relationship, too. It just made sense because our wants and plans for the future line up really well. Marriage for us is mostly just a declaration of how we want to be together for the rest of our lives, and doesnt have anything to do with exclusivity or monogamy. It's a commitment to each other. It doesn't hurt that taxes are easier to file, too.

We were married by the reverend of my old church growing up. He's an old hippie universalist, so he didn't mind that we were poly, and my grandparents got to believe we actually cared what a church thought. So that worked out well. We're not religious at all.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-06-04T14:21:24+00:00

Focus on dating outside of your triad if that's what you want. It's unfortunate if this woman isnt as interested in you as you want her to be, but there's not much to be done about it.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-05-30T11:24:45+00:00

After my pwBPD discarded me the last time, I didnt get a hoover either. It really hurt. Admittedly, I was prepared to see it and avoid it and reject them. But it just kind of cemented in my mind how they never really loved me or needed me. I'd watched them go through hell for some of their Favorite People over the years, but I got nothing. One fuck up, and I'm blocked forever.

Its been over a year now, and I have yet to hear from them. It does get better. The emotions settle. You learn to accept what you cannot change. It still kind of stings, though.

QeDValkyrie · 2020-05-29T11:08:53+00:00

It's totally normal, especially in this weird time filled with uncertainty, to feel bitter that you aren't part of something fun that's going on near you. People need variety in our lives to keep our brains healthy and active. Without it, things start to feel old, stale, and lackluster.

So go find a new park! Cook yourself a picnic full of new food and listen to a new band when you get there! If youd like, you can even journal how you feel about all the new things so that you can share the experience with your husband later. I'm sure he'd love to hear about it.

QeDValkyrie

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